


Two Comedians Walk into a Bar

by SchrodingersShanu



Series: Two Comedians Walk into a Bar [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Office, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-11-07 13:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 58,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20817866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchrodingersShanu/pseuds/SchrodingersShanu
Summary: Hyungwon breaks Minhyuk's heart in high school and then spends years getting over it.





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This is a multi-part series. 
> 
> Other relationship and characters will be introduced throughout the series but the main and eventual pairing will be Hyungwon/Minhyuk.  
This fic is Hyungwon-centric and is told from his point of view.

When Hyungwon casts his memory back, he can vividly remember the first time he had talked to Minhyuk.

They had just won the semi-finals and were riding high on their win. In an uncharacteristic gesture, Kihyun had planned a huge party at his house. He arrived there with a beer pack in his hands and pushed his way into the crowd to look for Kihyun. He spots him on the couch making out with some girl and almost instinctively as if to evade that sight his eyes slide to another figure huddled in the corner. Soon his brain gives the figure a name - Minhyuk - and absolutely intrigued, his eyes couldn’t help but stare at him. 

He was standing in a corner with a coke can in his hand, taking slight sips from it as if just going through the motions. His eyes were fixed on the floor, and in the euphoric bliss of the grinding crowd that surrounded him where everyone went out of their way to look into someone’s eyes, he looked painfully out of place to Hyungwon.

It wasn’t the first time that Hyungwon had seen Minhyuk. Kihyun and Minhyuk were acquaintances, or maybe friends? Hyungwon had never managed to figure it out.

They both worked for the school newspaper, Minhyuk as a writer and Kihyun as a photographer. No matter how many times Hyungwon had teased Kihyun about this, Kihyun had just shrugged it off as the school newspaper needing a photographer, and him needing something to show for his college application other than being a member of the school’s volleyball team.

Even though Hyungwon knew that it was more than that, he never pried, and his questions were answered a few months later when Kihyun told him that he was taking a gap year to save up for his degree in Photography because his parents were refusing to pay.

Even years later, Hyungwon can’t pinpoint the exact reason for him going up to Minhyuk that evening. He had seen Minhyuk around many times, and while the boy did intrigue him sometimes as acquaintances of your best friend do, it was just simple curiosity and nothing more. For him, the only thing Minhyuk represented was this other part of Kihyun’s life that wasn’t intertwined with Hyungwon’s.

So, what compelled him that evening?

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush coursing through his veins that made him feel invincible. They were the underdogs, so their win was that much more addicting. He felt greater than the small town and the smaller people that lived in it. He felt if he just reached out for it, he could have anything. So, that’s what he did.

He reached out.

Hyungwon put down the beer pack on a nearby table and walked towards Minhyuk. The height difference that should’ve been barely noticeable was shockingly conspicuous. In an impressive feat, Minhyuk had managed to fold himself enough to make his body as unnoticeable as someone with an inconvenient corporal form can aspire to.

Minhyuk was raising the bar for the wallflowers around the world, and he was so good at it that no one even managed to notice the seemingly improbable feat done among them. As if that wasn’t enough, Minhyuk had somehow managed to find the darkest corner in a house that was drowning in fairy lights.

Hyungwon really ought to stage an intervention with Kihyun regarding his obsession with lights. Almost every bare inch of the walls was covered in some kind of light. A vintage disco ball was dribbling on their skins while fairy lights of every color laid there static, unbothered by the writhing mass they twinkled at.

Even in this lets-blind-you-with-cute-lights extravaganza, Minhyuk had managed to find the darkest corner and had become one with the shadows but he spotted him easily and almost fatefully because Hyungwon was invincible and bigger than the small people that filled this small town. He saw all but at that moment, he put his blinders on and only looked at Minhyuk.

Minhyuk was still staring at the floor as if he stared hard enough, he would be able to decipher everything wrong he did that led him to this moment. Hyungwon mimicked him and pondered for a minute about the first sentence in his and Minhyuk’s story.

Now every person ever who had seen even a single teen romance movie or read a romance novel would tell you the significance of the first line spoken by the protagonist to his love interest. Hyungwon had to be cocky and witty but without being douchey. He had to balance his Darcy with Elizabeth and deliver the grandest opener of all time.

So, of course, Hyungwon managed to fuck it all up.

“They say that for every shy nerd looking at the floor in a party, there is a handsome jock to make them fall in love, break their heart due to a misunderstanding, then reconcile and ride into the sunset. Would you allow me to introduce you to yours?”

Years later, when his brain is torturing him with all the times he managed to embarrass himself in public right before going to sleep, this moment would be in his top twenty.

But, at that moment, it didn’t matter because Minhyuk looked up and gave him a shy confused smile which made Hyungwon feel even more invincible.

Until he left for college, which was in six months, he was the king of this small town.

“Am I going to be the nerd to your jock? I am afraid that I am not smart enough.” Minhyuk said a tad bit louder than Hyungwon expected.

As perceptive as Hyungwon was, he saw it for what it was. He read it in the tremble of Minhyuk’s hand, he heard it in the slight quiver in his voice. Minhyuk was putting his best foot forward trying to exhibit confidence that he didn’t have. Minhyuk must have seen a teen romance movie or read a romance novel as well because he knew that the nerd had to intrigue the jock with his charm and wit if they intended to keep his interest.

He had nothing to worry about though because Hyungwon was enamored and too lazy to look for someone else. For the next six months, if Minhyuk allowed, he was going to be the queen to Hyungwon’s king.

“Doesn’t matter. You have the looks for it. I’ll take it.”

“Thank you for sacrifice but are you sure? I am afraid that this it. This is what you’ll get in the looks department. I won’t become ten times hotter if I straighten my hair and take off my glasses.”

The quiver was still there, and the false bravado was apparent to Hyungwon but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t absolutely endeared.

Invincible he might be, but he wasn’t omnipotent. He was the king of this small town but he was still lower than God. So even though Hyungwon’s heart skipped for someone else, and he was merely settling for Minhyuk that didn’t mean he was smitten any less.

He tapped his chin in a mocking thinking gesture and then moved his hand towards Minhyuk’s glasses. “May I?” Hyungwon took off Minhyuk’s glasses as Minhyuk gave him an affirming nod.

He deliberately looked at Minhyuk, and then gave an overdramatic sigh while shaking his head. “You’re right. A ten stays a ten even after taking off his glasses. They are right when they say that mathematics is a cruel mistress.”

Minhyuk gave him a wide smile and shook his head. “The last sentence makes absolutely no sense. Can’t you do better? They say that there is a charming jock for every shy nerd, can I replace mine with a less lame one?”

Hyungwon was smitten with that smile, that husky voice, that cadence, and even Minhyuk’s cruel words.

With one hand still holding Minhyuk’s glasses, and the other on his heart, Hyungwon gave a deep sigh as if the burden of the fight for world peace was solely on his shoulders. “You wound me with your words, Minhyuk. Do you have any idea of the pressure I am under as a jock in this scenario? All you have to do is stand here looking all shy and adorable in your oversized sweatshirt with your fluffy hair and just react to my attempts at flirting.”

Minhyuk’s smile widened even more. He crushed the can he was still pretending to sip from and put it on the shelf beside him. Then, he took his glasses back from the other’s hand and put them on Hyungwon.

“Can I try?” said Minhyuk all the while smiling at Hyungwon.

Hyungwon put his hands on Minhyuk’s waist and switched their positions. "Go ahead." Now Hyungwon was standing against the wall with Minhyuk hovering in front of him. Hyungwon gave a gentle squeeze to Minhyuk’s waist before removing his hands but Minhyuk caught them and put them on his waist again and took a slight step forward. They were standing close enough that Hyungwon could smell coke on Minhyuk’s breath.

For a second, Minhyuk just breathed while looking at Hyungwon. “You came out of nowhere spouting all these charming lines and I have no idea why. We’ve known about each other for about a year now, so I don’t know why now. But, I don’t really care." His eyes move down to Hyungwon's lips and Hyungwon already knows what's coming. "All I see is your lips. We can leave the repartee for later, for somewhere quiet. For now, I would like to kiss you, can I?”

“Yes, please” and then they meet.

It wasn’t Hyungwon’s first kiss, and the way Minhyuk was kissing him, it probably wasn’t his first either.

Hyungwon had kissed other people before, and all of them were unique. Some in a good way, some in a bad way, some made Hyungwon better, and some Hyungwon made better.

Some six months ago when Hyungwon and Kihyun had made out in the empty locker room, drunk on a win just like this, and vodka, definitely vodka, they had clashed.

Their tongues had fought, battle after battle, some Hyungwon won, some he let Kihyun win. They had made out against the wall with Kihyun grinding on Hyungwon’s leg and Hyungwon’s hand wrapped around Kihyun’s waist, pulling his smaller frame into him until they were one. He had put all his restraint into not picking up Kihyun and taking him right there. He didn’t want to interrupt the flow and let Kihyun regret anything, so he gave the reins to him and let him lead Hyungwon. As Kihyun came first, Hyungwon thought he won another battle.

Then, came the next morning and Hyungwon lost the war when Kihyun came into his house with red eyes and told him that he wasn’t himself last night, that it was all a misunderstanding, that he was straight and oh, god, he doesn’t want to lose Hyungwon, his best friend, to this stupid mistake.

Hyungwon had looked at the tears streaming from Kihyun’s eyes and pulled him into the fiercest hug he could manage. He didn’t allow his own tears to flow until Kihyun had left and he had assured him that he wasn’t going to lose Hyungwon because of this.

Feeling eyes on him, Hyungwon opens his while looking over Minhyuk’s shoulders, lips still fervently moving against Minhyuk, and finds Kihyun looking at him with a strange expression on his face. As Kihyun’s eyes meet Hyungwon, he immediately gives him a cheeky smile with a thumbs up and Hyungwon closes his eyes again, pouring his all into Minhyuk.

If I don’t open my eyes, Hyungwon thinks, I can delude myself into thinking that this isn’t about Kihyun as everything in my life has been for the past three years.

This is about me and Minhyuk, Hyungwon repeats in his head like a mantra, and to an extent, it is.

Kissing Minhyuk is completely different from kissing Kihyun or anyone else for that matter. Minhyuk caresses Hyungwon’s face and hair while kissing him. He doesn’t use his tongue as if it was too much for a first kiss, and he gives the most passionate but gentlest kisses to Hyungwon.

He kisses like he wants Hyungwon to remember him, not just his taste, not just his touch but all of him, and Hyungwon does. For years, before the beginning of a new relationship and after the end of an old one, Minhyuk haunts Hyungwon’s thoughts: his touches, his kisses, his sunshine smiles, and his last heartbroken one, all of him haunts Hyungwon.

But the younger Hyungwon doesn’t know this, and in an attempt to forget about Kihyun for a moment, gives his all, and lets Minhyuk mark his lips and his soul.

After giving one last peck to Hyungwon’s lips, Minhyuk pulls back and lets his forehead lean against Hyungwon’s. They both catch their breath and then Minhyuk moves on to kiss Hyungwon’s nose and then his cheeks and when Hyungwon starts smiling because he can’t help but do, he pinches Hyungwon’s cheeks, and Hyungwon’s smile widens even more. He starts giggling because he is absolutely infatuated with Minhyuk, with his distraction, with his escape, with his queen for the next six months.

Minhyuk is smiling as well as he takes a step back. "I've wanted to do that since the first time I saw you.”

“What? Kiss me?” Hyungwon asks, surprised.

“No! Pinch your chubby cheeks." Minhyuk laughs.

“That was a very defensive 'No'. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

Minhyuk groans, laugh still evident in the crinkle of his eyes. ”There you go ruining all my hard work with your lameness.”

With his hands still on Minhyuk’s waist, Hyungwon pulls Minhyuk into him so that they are just barely not touching, “Am I hard…” with a deliberate pause here that makes Minhyuk roll his eyes, Hyungwon continues whispering, "..work, Minhyuk?”

Minhyuk pushes him off and hits his arm lightly but still doesn’t attempt to move his arms from his waist. “Why can’t you be more smooth like me? I should be the jock here.”

“Smooth, you say? You just kissed me! Granted it was a great kiss but you were able to do that because I laid all the groundwork with my flirting. Imagine if I had just come up to you and started kissing you!”

“Well, okay, but now that you’ve done it, can’t we kiss some more and talk later when we are alone?"

“So, you want to make out in public but talk in private? Kinky. Funny how it’s always the quiet ones.”

Blushing furiously, Minhyuk hits Hyungwon’s chest, with a tad bit more force than before and then lets his head fall there, hiding his face. Hyungwon laughs slightly with Minhyuk’s blushing face seared into his brain, and he is even more enamored than before.

As Minhyuk pulls back, Hyungwon dives in for another kiss. Unlike the previous kiss, he takes the reins in his hands this time. He sucks Minhyuk’s bottom lip and then lets his tongue in Minhyuk’s mouth and as Minhyuk gives a low moan and steps even closer to Hyungwon, he dives in even further. He gives the most obscene kiss to Minhyuk, a kiss that is not meant for the public, a kiss that is a stop in a short journey leading to other even more obscene things.

Minhyuk takes Hyungwon’s hands that were still on his waist and puts them under his sweatshirt, and as Hyungwon rakes his fingers on Minhyuk’s naked skin, and is getting ready to devour Minhyuk in whatever capacity he would allow him to, he feels some taps on his shoulder.

Annoyed, he gives Minhyuk a quick peck, and a promising touch on his lower stomach before removing his hands, and then turns around with a bitchy expression on his face.

He comes face to face with Kihyun who looks at him as if he is looking at a stranger, and immediately he drops the resting bitch face and molds his lips into a soft smile reserved for Kihyun. Finally recognizing the Hyungwon that he knows, Kihyun looks over his shoulder, probably at Minhyuk, and gives him his impish smile.

“Sorry for interrupting but you guys looked ready to hump each other, and I don’t want the young’uns to be scarred or getting any ideas, so would you guys mind going upstairs? Hyungwon can take you to the guest room, I don’t mind.”

Kihyun is addressing Minhyuk, and doesn’t look at Hyungwon even while saying his name, and that irks Hyungwon more than he would like to admit, so he replies with, “You are one to talk. I just saw you making out with a girl with your hand practically under her skirt."

As soon as he is done speaking, he realizes his mistake. In an attempt to mask a jilted lover’s jealousy with friendly teasing, he hurriedly adds, “Besides, my favorite nerd here has an exhibitionistic streak, and as a man after his heart, it’s my duty to fulfill his kin-” Minhyuk groans and hits him from behind and Kihyun laughs.

He finally looks at Hyungwon and Hyungwon is a man parched, so he drinks it all in.

“It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?” Kihyun mutters.

“As a quiet one yourself, you would know, wouldn’t you?” he teases back, almost flirting and Kihyun oblivious as always just smiles at him.

He points towards the kitchen, “Take some food and go upstairs. Have fun!” He smiles at Minhyuk and winks at Hyungwon before taking his leave.

Hyungwon takes a deep breath and turns to face Minhyuk, only to find the boy hiding his blushing face in his hands. Hyungwon, if possible, is even more smitten.

He wraps Minhyuk in his arms, swaying him left to right. When he feels Minhyuk removing his hands from his face, he asks, “Would you like to go upstairs? We can continue our obligatory banter or eat food or watch movies or make out or all of the above.”

He feels Minhyuk putting his ear against his chest while he continues swaying him in his arms, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah.”

Hyungwon holds Minhyuk’s wrist and starts leading him to the kitchen where they take a pizza box and then go upstairs.

Once inside the room, Hyungwon turns the lights on and sits down on the bed with his feet touching the floor. As soon as Minhyuk closes the door, and turns, he is ready to pounce on him, but he doesn’t. He removes Minhyuk’s glasses from his face and just looks at Minhyuk.

If Minhyuk was beautiful then with shadows curving around his face, he is even more beautiful now. The lights allow Hyungwon to looks at Minhyuk’s high cheekbones, his swollen bottom lip, his natural blush, and his fluffy dark brown hair.

Minhyuk doesn’t move, and even after drinking him in, Hyungwon doesn’t pounce on him because he looks scared. He is looking at the floor again as he was before Hyungwon decided to barge in his life. Hyungwon takes a deep breath, gets up, and pretends to not notice Minhyuk flinching slightly. He opens the almirah and takes out his backpack because he is a masochist and had spent the previous night at Kihyun’s house.

He takes out his laptop and a blanket as well and puts all the stuff on the bed. After that he removes his shoes and settles in.

Afraid of scaring Minhyuk away, with a slice of pizza in his hand, as casually as he can, he says, “Turn off the lights and come here, let’s watch a horror movie.”

Minhyuk who had been watching him in confusion up until now gives him a shy smile. He removes his shoes besides Hyungwon’s, and pushes both pairs under the bed with his feet and then turns off the lights. Considering his sudden shyness and the almost scared expression on his face, he was expecting Minhyuk to maintain a considerable distance but Minhyuk surprises him as he snuggles into Hyungwon and puts his head on Hyungwon’s chest.

Cheeks red and eyes resolutely on the screen, it looks like MInhyuk has finally let go of both: his bravado and fear. Hyungwon passes Minhyuk's glasses to him, pulls him further into his chest, and selects the first movie of the horror genre on Netflix.

Hyungwon doesn’t talk and finds himself lost in the movie, not because the movie was particularly scary or interesting but just because Hyungwon gets enraptured by stories, and maybe Minhyuk does as well because he doesn’t talk either.

So, there they are, practically strangers but almost glued together with Hyungwon running his hand through Minhyuk’s hair and Minhyuk snuggling even deeper into Hyungwon’s chest.

As the movie ends, Hyungwon rubs his eyes, “The ending was so predictable.” As he gets no answer, he looks down, only to find Minhyuk sleeping.

A fond smile finds its way on his face, and he puts his laptop and the now empty pizza box on the bedside table while trying not to jostle Minhyuk. With that done, he lies down and takes Minhyuk down with him. Minhyuk turns in his sleep, his back against Hyungwon’s front. He takes Hyungwon’s arm and drapes it over himself.

Hyungwon can’t stop smiling and holds Minhyuk even tighter with no intention of letting go and that’s how their first night among many goes.

In the morning, there is no warm body beside him but as he turns to the other side, there are a few sticky notes on his laptop, marked in order by 1, 2, 3 and 4. Written in the tiniest scrawl as if Minhyuk had too much to say but too little space with four sticky notes, he reads the notes, and sleepy as he is, feels content.

“Hey, Hyungwon. My mum is going to kill me for not coming back on time, so I had to go back before she returns from her night shift. You sleep like a dead man. Even pinching your cheeks didn’t wake you up, so I had to leave without saying goodbye. I am a bit disappointed that our time had to end this way but I am also secretly glad because, who knows, you could be one of those cheesy people who insist on making out in the morning even with the bad morning breath.  
Anyway, I had a great time yesterday because of you, and if you would like to hang out in the future with me to 'continue our obligatory banter or eat food or watch movies or make out or all of the above' I am leaving my phone number, text me.

(DON’T CALL ME, TEXT ME!!)

P.S. You didn’t hear it from me but you look really adorable while sleeping and I just had to kiss and pinch your cheeks many times before leaving.  
Bye!”

Hyungwon smiled, and reread the whole note and felt the tingling that comes with a new infatuation, and then Kihyun knocks on his door and barges in without waiting for an answer and looking at his bed hair, crusted eyes, and his sweatpants hung low on his waist, he feels the tingling that comes with love.

“You didn’t even wait for my answer, what if I was naked and jerking off or had Minhyuk naked with me and jerking him off?”

“Urgh. Thanks for that mental image, you fiend! I wasn’t expecting an answer, I thought you were sleeping, and I knew Minhyuk wasn’t with you because he is a responsible person and woke me up at ass o’clock to lock the door after him.”

“That’s Minhyuk. Responsible. He couldn’t wake me up so he left me a note, well, notes actually.”

Kihyun sits on the bed beside Hyungwon and shuffles awkwardly. Hyungwon, the lovesick fool that he is, finds it adorable. He rolls his eyes and opens his arms which Kihyun looks at, hesitates for a second, but then lies down in between. He has Kihyun on his chest in almost the same position as he had Minhyuk last night, but unlike last night, he sniffs Kihyun’s hair and doesn’t let himself feel.

“I am happy for you. Minhyuk is a great guy. You’re lucky.”

“Well, what about me? I am great too. In fact, I am the greatest. Doesn’t that make Minhyuk the luckiest?”

In lieu of an answer, KIhyun just laughs slightly but they both know that stuck between them Minhyuk was the unluckiest person there could be.

When Hyungwon returns home, he finds his mom sitting on the couch, eyes glued to the T.V. He greets her, and his mom asks him to brush his teeth and take a bath and then come for breakfast. While brushing his teeth, he thinks of bad breath and starts thinking of what text he should send to Minhyuk. Before taking a bath, he sits on his bed and thinks, fuck it.

To: Minhyuk  
What do you mean by “bad breath”? I’ll have you know my morning breath smells like roses. To verify this, we need to have a sleepover. I’ll not let you slander me like this! So, let me know when would you like to have the said sleepover(for verification purposes, of course).

Satisfied, he goes for a bath. As he is eating his breakfast, he still hasn’t gotten a reply from Minhyuk. He keeps looking at his phone in anticipation, which, in turn, makes his mom give suspicious looks to his phone. Cautiously, he puts down his phone on the table and starts pretending that all of his focus is on his food as his mom wants him to because “Hyungwon, you are getting skinnier!”. For a whole minute, he puts on a show. The food is his lord and savior and Hyungwon is a religious devout in this food cult but then his phone buzzes with a notification, and Hyungwon only manages to see Minhyuk’s name before his mom snatches the phone.

“Aha!”

“Mom!”

“Obviously, you are waiting for something. So, Hyungwon if you want your phone back, you’ll take me shopping today.”

“Mom! I am sore from the game on Friday. Let your poor son rest this Sunday, can’t we go next weekend?”

“You weren’t 'sore' when you had a party at Kihyun’s yesterday. Yeah, I know about the party but I am not holding a Spanish inquisition because I trust you. I am a great mom. So, in return, you should be a great son.”

“What did I tell you about emotional blackmailing?”

“That I shouldn’t do it. But, I have your phone hostage, you started the emotional manipulation with your ‘I am sore’ act.”

“Ugh, fine! You got it. Now give me my phone back.”

With a satisfied smirk on her face, Hyungwon’s mom gives him his phone back. Not daring to open the text in front of his mom, lest she finds even more material to blackmail him, he stuffs the remaining sandwich into his mouth, and quickly drops the dishes in the sink, promising to do them later, he runs into his room and finally opens the text.

From: Minhyuk  
I don’t know. I like being wined and dined before smelling people’s morning breaths for verification purposes.

Hyungwon smiles and his Sunday passes with texting Minhyuk and taking his mom out for shopping.

At school the next day, during lunch, he spots Minhyuk sitting with another boy, a boy he often sees with Minhyuk and makes a gesture to his table to let them know that he is sitting with Minhyuk. His teammates give him a thumbs up and a wink while Kihyun merely rolls his eyes. Hyungwon plops down on the chair beside Minhyuk and introduces himself to the other boy who gives him a dimpled smile in return and introduces himself as Jooheon. Minhyuk gives Hyungwon a blinding smile of his own and the countdown to the next six months begins.

***

Over the next few months, Minhyuk and Hyungwon text each other a lot. They spend a lot of time with each other and consequently share a lot of things. Hyungwon finds that Minhyuk is a part of the drama club, and plays Ukulele and piano, that his father is a construction company owner and his mother is a hospice nurse and often takes night shifts. Minhyuk has an elder brother who lives in the city and is six years older than him, and they aren’t that close.

In the beginning, there is a lot of banter but no actual sharing. Minhyuk is quite shy and reserved, Hyungwon finds. He doesn’t let his guard down, and he is so shy, almost anxious over everything that if he even mispronounces something, his face goes all red, and Hyungwon doesn’t call him out on it, doesn’t tease him. Instead, he lets Minhyuk correct his own mistakes and acts as if he didn’t hear anything before. With all the anxieties that he now comes face to face with as he spends more time with Minhyuk, he understands their first meeting better. The false bravado in public but shy and scared demeanor in private, Hyungwon starts to understand Minhyuk’s facade better.

When they have sex for the first time, three months into their relationship, Hyungwon goes out of his way to make sure that Minhyuk doesn’t feel vulnerable and mocked. So, when Minhyuk gives him a striptease when Hyungwon jokingly asks for it, instead of laughing, even though he feels silly, Hyungwon wolf-whistles. He kisses Minhyuk all over when Minhyuk allows him, and when Minhyuk wants to do something but doesn’t know how to ask for it, he asks Minhyuk if he can do it for Hyungwon to make it look like it was Hyungwon’s idea and not Minhyuk’s. Their first time is everything that first times are: exciting, nerve-wracking, awkward, euphoric, just everything and more.

Even if Hyungwon feels content and giddy with as Minhyuk is, Minhyuk changes. He becomes more open. His laughs become louder and unapologetic. Earlier, whenever he sent a too long text, he would tack on an apology in the end for being verbose, but now he sent huge texts and pestered Hyungwon until he responded to everything in the text.

Formal ‘please’ and ‘thank yous’ became replaced with pecks and hugs. No longer scared of rejection, Minhyuk started initiating more contact and became physically clingier, until he just casually started latching onto Hyungwon like an octopus even while Hyungwon did casual things like reading a book or using his phone or just breathing.

They start spending their lunches together, sometimes Hyungwon brings Minhyuk and Jooheon to his table and sometimes Hyungwon goes to their table with Kihyun but most of the time, he goes to their table alone. If Hyungwon doesn't have to stay for volleyball practice and Minhyuk doesn't have drama practice, they would walk home together with Kihyun and Jooheon.

With Jooheon holding Minhyuk’s one hand and sometimes Hyungwon holding his another, they would walk home together. They become more compatible and their sex life became more raw and exploratory. No longer afraid of being mocked for his inexperience, Minhyuk tried things in the bedroom without needing Hyungwon to make it sound like his idea. In case of a misstep, and when things ended in a blunder, as something as physical as sex does, they freely laughed. Sometimes at each other and sometimes with each other.

In a few months, their lives became intertwined. Sometimes Hyungwon visited Minhyuk in the theatre room while other times Minhyuk came with Jooheon and cheered him on during practice. Through Minhyuk, Hyungwon got to know a little about Jooheon as well. Jooheon and Minhyuk were neighbors and childhood friends, and according to Minhyuk, Jooheon was his baby, his precious child that he adored. Minhyuk claimed that his honey bee was the cutest guy that he had seen and Jooheon claimed that Minhyuk was the prettiest guy that he had seen. They were both so clingy with each other, often there were kisses on Jooheon’s dimples and as much as Hyungwon’s cheeks suffered from Minhyuk’s pinches, Jooheon’s cheeks suffered more.

When Jooheon and Minhyuk had shared a table with Hyungwon’s teammates, the whole table except Kihyun and Hyungwon had observed Minhyuk fussing over Jooheon; feeding him, pinching his cheeks, cleaning his face and hands and then kissing his dimple. Hyungwon just looked at them fondly and kissed Minhyuk’s forehead before they left the table.

A teammate asked Hyungwon if he got suspicious or jealous over their closeness, and Hyungwon just shrugged because he didn’t. He knew what romantic love looked like, and this wasn’t it. He knew Minhyuk, he knew that Minhyuk knew no other way to live his life other than being honest. Minhyuk didn’t lie, not because he was set out to become a noble idol but because he found it burdensome and inconvenient. While Minhyuk wasn’t above white lies, he was the kind of person who found the truth easier.

Next day, when Hyungwon was sitting with Minhyuk and Jooheon and Minhyuk had just finished cleaning Jooheon’s face and ended the whole ritual with his traditional parting kiss on Jooheon’s dimple, he had asked if he could kiss Jooheon’s dimple too, and Jooheon had given him a hesitant, “Umm, yeah, sure.” He kissed Jooheon’s dimple, and immediately Jooheon had blushed a deep red and hid his face in Minhyuk’s arms who was giving him a stink eye.

MInhyuk gathered Jooheon in his arms and declared that he will not share his child with anyone and that included Hyungwon as well. Promptly, he held Jooheon’s face in his hands and gave him a peck exactly where Hyungwon had kissed him, and amidst Jooheon’s protests over being coddled, Hyungwon couldn’t stop his laughter.

The weekends often saw them having sleepovers with the door open for their parents. But that didn’t stop Minhyuk from snuggling into Hyungwon, and using his chest as a pillow while watching a movie. Afterward, they would dissect and analyze the movie they just saw, and each time Hyungwon was amazed by Minhyuk’s opinions.

From subtle metaphors to the significance of a camera angle, Minhyuk told Hyungwon many things, things that Hyungwon never thought about. Often their discussion about movies led to other things: from politics and religion to pets and their pet peeves, they discussed it all deep into the night.

MInhyuk wasn’t religious because he thought if such a powerful entity existed that surely It wasn’t petty enough to grant heaven to only those people who worshipped It, and if It was this petty, then Minhyuk had no need for it anyway. He would rather put his money and efforts into making the earth heaven rather than running after an imaginary entity and a promised land that no one could verify. When Hyungwon asked if Minhyuk believed that God existed, Minhyuk replied that he didn’t care if it existed or not.

Minhyuk wanted to have pets but his parents didn’t and since he didn’t want to burden his parents, he was waiting till he moved out to have a cat and a dog, but Jooheon had two cats, Yoshi and Gucci, and a dog, Sanche, and Minhyuk often went to his house to play with them. Minhyuk had applied for experimental theatre with a minor in creative writing for college. Even though he felt ridiculous over choosing such a degree, and was anxious about his future, his mum had asked him to be selfish and had assured him that if he didn’t find a job in the future with this degree, she had his back, and they would figure something out as long as Minhyuk didn’t give up.

He told all of this while clinging to Hyungwon as if he didn’t hold him tight enough that he would escape into the night. In the morning, there are no make-out sessions until they have brushed their teeth. Minhyuk is adamant about it and the peppermint fresh kisses that follow make Hyungwon’s sacrifice worth it.

For all his clinginess, Minhyuk never invaded his space though. Whenever Hyungwon told Minhyuk that he had to spend time with his friends or Kihyun, he never whined but instead gave him a peck as a goodbye. Whenever he had to cancel his plans with Minhyuk as something came up, Minhyuk would just give him a sad pout and would ask Hyungwon to kiss him all over the face and give him a hug, which Hyungwon happily obliged with, after that Minhyuk would just go on his merry way skipping and shouting overdramatic good-byes.

They both spent significant time alone, doing their own things. In his previous relationships, Hyungwon found himself trying to explain to the people he was dating, his need for personal space, his need to spend some time alone and do something or just nothing. In those terms, Minhyuk understood him completely because much like Hyungwon, he too liked having time to himself. Taking a walk alone, or just laying in his bed, thinking, Minhyuk liked spending time alone as well. They didn’t need each other, they just wanted each other. As they became more comfortable, they began enjoying comfortable silences and didn’t feel the need to text each other all day, every day.

Everything wasn’t smooth-sailing though. Two months into their relationship, they have their first fight.

It’s about Minhyuk bottling his feelings up. Minhyuk, Hyungwon finds, doesn’t like discussing his problems until he has a solution. He realizes this when Minhyuk looks low and lost for two days, and even Jooheon’s persistent inquiries don’t yield any answer, and suddenly, the next day, Minhyuk goes back to his sunshine self.

It leaves him baffled and this time when he asks, Minhyuk tells him and Jooheon about how he got the lead role in the play for the first time, and he suspected that he might have gotten it out of pity, and it left him doubting his own skills but noticing his face of gloom-and-doom, their drama teacher asked Minhyuk to stay back after the morning rehearsal, and explained her reasoning behind it. She told him, that for the role that she gave Minhyuk, she needed someone who had a voice that was unique and melodic.

She needed an actor who could pull off a character that appeared bubbly and harmless, that no one in the audience could suspect of being the villain, but at the end, when the twist was revealed could exhibit his innate insidiousness that would leave the audience baffled on why they didn’t pick on it sooner, and she chose him because she felt that the Minhyuk too had a duality. Behind his smiles, he often surprised people with his passion. They then both discussed the significance of other such popular characters in media, and the discussion left Minhyuk ashamed to doubt himself but overall, he felt much better and fired up to give his all to nail this character down.

While going back home, Hyungwon asks Minhyuk why didn’t he tell him about this, if he had, Hyungwon could’ve helped him feel better sooner. Minhyuk just looked at Hyungwon strangely and said, “I didn’t need your help though, and I don’t know how you could have helped me?”

Kihyun is walking behind them. Besides him, Hyungwon notices Jooheon’s grip getting tighter on MInhyuk’s hand. When he looks up from their hands, Minhyuk is looking forward with a stoic expression on his face while Jooheon is giving him a nervous expression as if pleading him not to continue this discussion. But, Hyungwon is stubborn and places the utmost importance on communication in a relationship. So, he continues. “Well, you wouldn’t find out how I can help you if you wouldn’t let me know your problems in the first place.”

Minhyuk sighs. “I don’t know, Hyungwon. I still don’t see what you could have done if I had told you. You would have just told me that I am amazing, that I shouldn’t doubt myself or some fake motivational shit like that. I don’t know about you Hyungwon but lies told to console don’t make me feel better, it would have just made me feel even worse. Anyway, the problem is solved now, so I don’t see what’s all this fuss about.”

Hyungwon who doesn’t like being told about what he would have done takes offense and in the heat of the moment raises his voice slightly, “Don’t tell me what I would have done. You don’t know me well enough, Minhyuk, so don’t go out there predicting my behaviour. If you had come up to me, I would have just held you and let you talk out your feelings and then told you to see your drama teacher and discuss your concerns with her. But, apparently, you would rather roleplay me in your life rather than actually talk to me.”

When he looks at Minhyuk, he is looking back at Hyungwon, and there is a fire in his eyes, the hand that is not holding Jooheon’s clenches into a fist and then unclenches. He is probably counting to ten in his head because that’s how many seconds it takes for him to reply.

“I don’t want to say things that I don’t mean, so let’s talk when we both have calmed down a bit,” all this is said with clenched teeth.

Hyungwon who had never seen Minhyuk like this, never even thought Minhyuk capable of such anger, almost wants to instigate him further to uncover another layer of Minhyuk and look under it, but he holds back. “Whatever.”

When the crossroad appears from where they both have to separate, there are no hugs and shy kisses or giggly smiles, Minhyuk face is still stoic, and his eyes are still burning with infinite rage, as he just says, “Bye.”

Now it’s just him and Kihyun. They are walking towards Kihyun’s home and Hyungwon can’t stop thinking about Minhyuk’s expression.

“He doesn’t like it when people raise their voice at him,” Kihyun says suddenly.

“Hmmm?”

“Minhyuk is a very well-behaved person and student, so imagine my surprise when he talked back to the teacher that was handling our newspaper last year.”

“What happened?”

“In one of the columns, Minhyuk writes the experience of a student he chooses. This time, Minhyuk had written an article on a transgender student’s experience, one of his classmates, and the teacher refused to publish it. She told him that it might give other students “ideas”, and if the parents saw it, they might complain.

Minhyuk argued that the newspaper is by the students and for the students, so if he is writing about a student, he doesn’t see any rational reason behind such biased censorship. They went back and forth and things took a turn for the worse when the teacher got frustrated with Minhyuk’s counterpoint to her every argument, and she screamed at him that he was merely seventeen, and he didn’t know how real-life worked, that his ideas were only feasible for the make-believe world he is living in, and he was just some stubborn kid who had no respect for his elders.

You should have seen him Hyungwon, up until now even when the teacher’s arguments were bordering on discrimination, he was calm and collected in his replies but once she raised her voice, it was like some switch flipped and his whole demeanor changed.

He stared right into her eyes and said, “Why should I respect you? Just because your parents banged before mine? Do you think that’s enough for you to warrant respect from people younger than you? If I am an idealistic kid, then you are a bigoted old hag but you don’t see me raising my voice, now do you? Screaming your bigoted opinions, won’t make them facts. I won’t allow such disgusting censorship just because old people who have their one foot hanging in the grave can’t bear with the world progressing.”

I still remember each word because I was in such awe, this shy kid who always apologized to me when he asked me to click some pictures for his article even though it was my work, had just called a teacher a ‘bigoted old hag’ among other things. I think everyone, including the teacher, was just as surprised because we were all looking at him with our jaws hanging. The teacher was just so taken aback that she just walked out of the door and then Minhyuk closed his eyes and started rubbing his forehead with a universal I-can’t-believe-I-just-did-that expression and ran after her.”

“Did the article get published?”

“I don’t know what happened but yeah, the article got published. No parents came with complaints because I guess the students weren’t going around showing it to their parents. I doubt that they even read it themselves. After that, no one took Minhyuk for granted, as we used to do, but I don’t think Minhyuk intended that effect. He just looked embarrassed and ashamed that he went off.”

“Well, from today’s display, I guess he has become better at holding himself back. But, is it bad that I almost wanted him to go off?”

“I don’t know. Why did you want him to snap?”

“He is always so collected. When he says or does something spontaneous, he immediately gets embarrassed and stops. I guess if he was angry, he wouldn’t stop until he let that anger out. I want to see what he would say and do when he is not putting his emotions on a leash.”

“People are not toys, Hyungwon. You can’t push them to their boundaries hoping to incite a reaction that you want to see.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t push him. You really think highly of me, don’t you?”

Kihyun doesn’t say anything, not until they have reached his home, Hyungwon is heading towards the fridge when Kihyun’s voice stops him.

“I don’t think we are good people, at least, not in the way Minhyuk is. I’ve known him longer than you. We aren’t close but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know him. Probably, by now, you’ve figured it out too. He doesn’t like hurting other people until he is pushed to the edge, he will not hurt the other person. This doesn’t mean he lacks the self-preservation instinct, it just means that if the other person is hurting him, he will not hurt back, he will just cut off the other person from his life. He certainly isn’t the kind to hurt other people because of his own selfishness,” at this, he looks at Hyungwon, “or his own cowardice.” now he is looking at his own hands.

Hyungwon knows what Kihyun is implying about them both, unfortunately, he knows exactly what it means. All he has to do is push Kihyun by asking him what he means for Kihyun to finally confess his feelings but he doesn’t because people aren’t toys and unless KIhyun comes to him without any manipulation, he doesn’t want it.

But, right now, they both know what Kihyun means, so he holds Kihyun’s smaller hands in his larger ones, and says, “Between Minhyuk and I, I don’t think Minhyuk is the weaker one. That boy’s core is steel, he in ungiving if the situation calls for it. He isn’t selfish or a coward but he is strong, and he’ll come out stronger of any adversity that is thrown his way.”

Kihyun just hums and hugs Hyungwon, his face squished against Hyungwon’s chest, and Hyungwon tells himself that he believes what he said, that his selfishness and Kihyun’s cowardice wouldn’t break Minhyuk.

MInhyuk doesn’t text him, and Hyungwon in all his stubbornness doesn’t text him either. The next day, he doesn’t even glance at Minhyuk and Jooheon. He is just sitting there while his teammates are bantering and eating, he is almost nodding off when suddenly someone sits in his lap, and he recognizes Minhyuk’s smell, some deodorant with a mild but heady smell, and instinctually his arms go around his waist, holding him.

“Hi.” Minhyuk grins.

“Hello.” Hyungwon grins back.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course, baby.”

Minhyuk playfully scrunches his nose at the pet name, and Hyungwon has no choice but to kiss it, so he does, and he is rewarded with that shy smile of Minhyuk that he just adores so much.  
Suddenly, there are gagging noises from his table, and Hyungwon laughs. He stands and pulls Minhyuk up with him. He is looking for an empty table when he spots Jooheon sitting at his table alone, looking, for lack of a better word, huffy.

“Jooheon looks upset.”

“He is upset because I wasn’t talking to you and I was upset which made him upset.”

“That’s a good son. You’ve raised him well, Minhyuk.”

“I know!”

They stop at an empty table and sit down, side by side, Minhyuk’s hand still in Hyungwon’s.

“I am sorry, I..I..err..,” Minhyuk begins, his cheeks warm.

“Take your time.” Hyungwon is rubbing Minhyuk’s hand, and he has all the time in the world.

Minhyuk takes a deep breath and begins again, “I hate it when people presume stuff about me, so I shouldn’t have just assumed your reaction and I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“Apology accepted. I am sensing a ‘but’ though.”

Minhyuk laughs, ”Yeah, but I am not sorry for not sharing my problems. That’s not who I am, Hyungwon. If I share my problems, they become much bigger than they are in my mind and I get stuck in them. I don’t like getting stuck in things, I like keeping my problems at the back of my mind and move on. I don’t want to be defined by my problems. I know people say that you should share your problems with your partner but I didn’t receive the relationship handbook.

So, if you are looking for someone who can share their problems with you, then you should look for them. I don’t believe that we should change people to make them fit into our lives, if the change is forced, then I don't think that's good for that relationship or that person. I think you should look for a person that is compatible with you rather than changing a person to be compatible with you.

Not only am I bad at expressing my problems and emotions, but I am also very opinionated, and if you ever came to me with your problems, I will listen to them thoughtfully but I won’t pretend that I know the solution to your problems if I don’t. I also have wild mood-swings like sometimes I would just start crying while arguing, and I am not crying to make the other person feel guilty but it’s just that I can’t control it. I am not proud of this and I am working on it but it’s a work in progress.

There are many things that you must want from the person you are going out with, and I can’t promise you all of that but I do know that you want to communicate, and so do I. I promise you that I will do my best to communicate my feelings to you. If I have a problem, then I won’t tell you what the problem is until I feel like it but instead of leaving you wondering, I will tell you that I am facing a problem but I won’t tell you what the problem is if I don’t want to.”

Minhyuk must have rehearsed his monologue or must have said it to someone else before because it’s articulated well, and said in a different cadence than Minhyuk’s usual rhythm, but Hyungwon is glad that he did because now he understands Minhyuk better, and he is so proud of Minhyuk for being honest and so brave.

Hyungwon brings Minhyuk’s hand to his lips to let him know that he heard him, and is now processing it. Finally, he speaks up. “I do agree with your idea that if the change isn’t natural but manipulated, then it’s neither good for that person nor that relationship,” He thinks of kissing Minhyuk in front of Kihyun and internally laughs at his own hypocrisy, “and, yeah, I am not looking to change you, Minhyuk, all I am looking for is you to communicate your feelings to me even if it’s to say that you don’t want to talk about your feelings right then.” He holds Minhyuk’s hand tighter, “and you are so good at it. You are so eloquent and articulate when you express yourself, so you don’t have to worry about it. If you have a problem, just let me know that you have a problem and how serious it is, and that will be enough for me. I do get where you are coming from though, when it comes to my problems, I just want people to listen to me, unless I ask otherwise, instead of trying to solve it for me because most of the time, it’s nothing that I haven’t thought of myself.”

“Yeah, I love listening to you, so, whatever it is, stories or your problems, I promise to listen to them as long as you would allow me to. And, I..I, I know it sounds silly but my mum faced the same problem with me, and then she came up with this thing where all I have to do is tell her that I have a problem and how serious it is on a scale of 1 to 10, and until it crosses 8, I don’t have to tell it if I don’t feel like it. We did this since I was a kid, we can do the same thing if you want. Would that work for you?”

Minhyuk is so sweet and wonderful and almost has his shit together and Hyungwon loves that for him, so he smiles,. “Yup, it more than works. Now, come on let’s go and sit with your honey bee.”

***

For the six months that they spend together, they don’t say 'I love you'. Hyungwon doesn’t say it because he doesn’t think that he is in love with Minhyuk, he is infatuated with him, he is smitten with him, he cares for him, he adores him but how can he love him when it’s reserved for someone else, so he doesn’t say 'I love you' to Minhyuk, and Minhyuk doesn’t say 'I love you' to Hyungwon because...Hyungwon doesn’t know. Maybe he didn’t love Hyungwon, maybe he was waiting for some time to pass, maybe he was scared of saying it and being rejected or maybe he was scared of saying it and being trapped. Minhyuk says I love you to Jooheon in lieu of hellos and goodbyes and almost whenever he feels like it but when it comes to both of them there are no outspoken I-love-yous but that doesn’t mean there is no love in their actions.

***

Four months into their relationship, Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Jooheon sit together in a row and look at Minhyuk on stage in awe.

The drama is about a circus that travels from town to town. There is a young idealistic boy who stays back after the show, and Minhyuk is the host who introduces the boy and the audience to each character's story. Minhyuk plays the naive and airheaded Ringmaster and host well, and then when the Ringmaster reveals his true color, his deranged cynicism, Minhyuk plays that well too, and like Minhyuk’s teacher had said, he finds himself thinking, the clues were there all along, how did he not see it before.

The play ends with Minhyuk capturing the young boy into the circus while justifying it to him and the audience as him trying to save the young boy from the vagaries of life, and the cruelty of society. Finally, the end scene is of another young boy staying back, and this time the sickeningly sweet Ringmaster is the previous young boy himself, he smiles at the young boy much like Minhyuk’s character did and that’s where the curtain drops.

They all are clapping wildly with the audience, and Hyungwon is completely enchanted by Minhyuk’s transformation, how he changed his mannerisms and way of speaking for the first character, and then how he changed into his deranged counterpart so subtly yet so powerfully. All of them go backstage to congratulate Minhyuk who hugs all three of them and blushes at their compliments.

***

Four and a half months into their relationship, Hyungwon receives a rejection letter from his dream college, and a letter telling him that he is waitlisted from another. The next day Hyungwon’s team captained by Kihyun loses its winning streak in the final match, and the underdog story that they set out to write remains unfinished. Hyungwon switches off his phone and crashes at Kihyun’s house for the weekend and for two days their bodies stay tangled with each other.

Kihyun tells him that he wants to major in Photography but his parents are refusing to pay for it so he might take a gap year and do some jobs to save some money to prove to his parents that he is serious about it. Hyungwon just hugs him tighter and tells him about the rejection letter. He tells Kihyun about his frustration, he tells him that he feels defeated, that maybe he will just rot away in this small town and he isn’t meant for bigger things, Kihyun shakes his head rapidly in disagreement and tightens his hold on Hyungwon.

On Monday, he sees Minhyuk who just walks into his arms and hugs Hyungwon tightly. He doesn’t even pry into the MIA that he pulled over the weekend. He just assumes that Hyungwon has taken the loss a bit too hard, and Hyungwon just holds him tightly, his nose in Minhyuk’s hair, calming him, and doesn’t bother to correct Minhyuk on how it’s so much more than that.

***

Five months into their relationship, Hyungwon for the first time believes that maybe this thing between him and Minhyuk wouldn’t just stop at the six-month mark. Hyungwon receives an acceptance letter from the third college in his list, and when his text to Kihyun doesn’t receive an answer, he texts Minhyuk about it. Minhyuk tells him to come over to receive his congratulations and bring his acceptance letter.

As soon as he enters, Minhyuk is there putting a hand on his eyes and asking him to give his acceptance letter to him, so he does. The hand covering his eyes is gone and there is something in his hands as well. He looks at Minhyuk who is grinning from ear to ear in his oversized yellow sweater and round dorky glasses.

“What is it?”

“My acceptance letter!”

And, even before Minhyuk is done saying it, Hyungwon is there swinging Minhyuk in his arms because he is so happy for himself and Minhyuk, and then he puts him down. They open each other’s acceptance letters and then they are looking at each other with wide eyes.

They both got into the same college and Hyungwon who insists on saying 'accident' and 'coincidence' instead of 'fate' finds himself speechless. They never discussed their future, they didn’t even discuss the colleges they were applying for but here they were going into the same college. So, Hyungwon jerks Minhyuk towards him because he feels so light as if he just needed to jump and he could fly.

For the first time, he thinks that their story wouldn’t end in just six months. He could grow to love Minhyuk, but even then as selfish he is, his thoughts circle back to Kihyun, and he selfishly thinks that maybe his and Kihyun’s friendship is redeemable, and all he has to do is let himself fall for Minhyuk and then he and Kihyun will be free from each other. Even then he is not thinking of Minhyuk.

Later, he sees Kihyun’s text congratulating him and thinks, everything will go back to normal, Kihyun, I will fall for Minhyuk for you, and we’ll be golden.

Exams go by and the communication between Minhyuk and Hyungwon halts for a while because they both are ambitious, and they give it their best shot.

Soon all of them are celebrating their last day while Jooheon is throwing a tantrum because he is a year younger, and won’t be able to follow them. Minhyuk is poking Jooheon’s dimple and whispering something in his ears when Hyungwon catches Kihyun’s eyes, they smile at each other.

***

The sixth month of their relationship sees them at their peak, all Hyungwon can remember is laughter. They had a month and a half to be as reckless and careless as they wanted to be and the world was waiting for them. They go out a lot, to different cafes, to arcades, to the zoo, to every place that their little hearts desire.

One day, when Minhyuk’s house is empty, they end up making out on the dining table. Minhyuk is sitting on the table, and Hyungwon standing between his legs, hands beneath Minhyuk’s now unbuttoned white shirt.

Minhyuk pushes him, breathing heavily, and suddenly acts all coy and whispers, “I don’t want you to fuck me.” Hyungwon can’t help but look at Minhyuk’s hard on and raise an eyebrow in disbelief. Minhyuk blinks his eyes rapidly, and in an obviously cloying voice, simpers, “I want you to make love to me, Senpai.” Hyungwon is laughing so hard, and no longer able to restrain his laughter, Minhyuk is laughing too, and then they are laughing and kissing.

Minhyuk drags Hyungwon’s head back by his hair and asks Hyungwon to fuck him as hard as he can, and, suddenly, all the laughter is gone. They both run into Minhyuk’s room and lock the door behind them, and as soon as Minhyuk takes out the lube and a condom from his bag, Hyungwon is on him. He blows Minhyuk against the wall and then fucks him against the same wall. Lying in the post-orgasmic bliss, he thinks about how maybe in college, when they are not in this town, and he is away from Kihyun, maybe he’ll fall for Minhyuk because it’s so easy to love him.

So, it’s obvious that it all implodes in his face.

***

Fifteen days before Hyungwon and Minhyuk are set out to leave, Hyungwon’s teammates organize a sort of going away party. Hyungwon invites Minhyuk but Minhyuk declines saying that he would feel out of place, and Hyungwon, remembering the first time he had talked to Minhyuk, doesn’t insist. He leaves his favorite grey hoodie there intending on taking it back the next day to protect it from all the alcohol spills and puke that he is expecting from the party.

Just before leaving, he tells Minhyuk to come in just for an hour and if he felt out of place, he is free to leave. Minhyuk just shakes his head and kisses him goodbye and gives him his blinding sunshine smile, the last one that Hyungwon will see for years.

At the party, among the flowing alcohol and many mistakes being made, he doesn’t find Kihyun who had promised him that he would meet him directly there. So, he is just going around talking to people when suddenly there is a tap on his back, and as he turns, there is a smaller body hugging him. Hyungwon hugs Kihyun back and says, “Hello to you too, little one!”

Kihyun grins at him. “Hi!”

“Are you drunk, Yoo Kihyun~?” he singsongs because Kihyun looks giddy in the way only people not in their senses do.

“Nope,” says KIhyun popping the ‘p’.

Before Hyungwon can ask what is he so happy for then, Kihyun takes his face in his hands and makes him bend down, “I got a partial scholarship in the same college as you. I didn’t tell you because I still couldn’t go but seeing my persistence or I don’t know my sadness, my parents finally agreed to pay for it, so I am coming with you! And I get to study what I love!”

Kihyun’s smile is infectious and now even Hyungwon is giggling. He is drunk on Kihyun’s happiness, and just drunk on Kihyun in general. They are staring at each other with wide grins, faces so close to each other. Suddenly Kihyun is leaning towards him and then they are kissing.

They are kissing after a year, and this time the kiss is just as wild and passionate as it was then. Their tongues are battling for dominance much like that time, and Hyungwon has everything in his palms, on his lips, everything that he had wanted for the past three years and he feels ecstatic. He is giving his all to Kihyun, his hands are roaming over Kihyun’s body, touching every plane now that he has the permission and he feels like an immortal among mortals.

Much like at the last party that he attended when he was kissing someone else, he feels as if someone is watching him. So, he opens his eyes, and there is Minhyuk in front of him, looking at them in complete shock. He is wearing that oversized yellow sweater that Hyungwon had once told him looked the best on him, shocked eyes behind his round-frame glasses.

Their eyes meet, and Hyungwon who couldn’t bear the weight of guilt, who couldn’t allow this moment to be about Minhyuk and Hyungwon instead of Hyungwon and Kihyun, closes his eyes again and continues kissing Kihyun. He opens his eyes again after a second because he can’t help it, and everything circles back to when he saw Minhyuk with his head down mimicking the same scene that had compelled Hyungwon to go talk to him. Except this time, there is a heart-breaking smile on his face and he is shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe that he didn’t see this coming, that he didn’t anticipate Hyungwon’s betrayal, that he trusted him so easily and so blindly.

As Hyungwon keeps looking he realizes that this is a pivotal moment in their lives, he doesn’t know how it will affect his future but he does know that he broke Minhyuk. Sweet Minhyuk who put his complete trust in him from their first meeting itself, brave Minhyuk who bared himself to Hyungwon and just asked for honesty and nothing less, he broke him, and from this moment on, Minhyuk’s every relationship will suffer, there would be no blind trust from now on, there would be no opening up to anyone.

Hyungwon proved every nightmare of Minhyuk when it came to relationships true, and now every future relationship of Minhyuk will suffer because of Hyungwon’s selfishness. He closes his eyes again, and swallows down his guilt and just keeps kissing Kihyun in an attempt to block that broken watery smile that he saw on Minhyuk’s face, and it works because he has Kihyun who he has pined after for a long time, he has him in his arms, and Minhyuk is strong, he will move on, but Hyungwon tells himself that he isn’t, and he needs Kihyun and justifies his selfishness to himself.

Finally, they break apart and Hyungwon looks over Kihyun’s shoulder where Minhyuk was standing but there is no one there and then Kihyun has all his attention.

“I think..I think that I love you,” Kihyun whispers, their foreheads against each other.

“Yeah? I love you, I’ve loved you for a long time now.” Kihyun’s eyes are watery and he doesn’t blame him because all his dreams are coming true, and he feels like crying too.

“I am sorry for making you wait so long but I was so confus-” Hyungwon interrupts him with a finger on his lips, and says what he had wanted to say for a long time, “It’s okay. You are worth it. We are worth it.”

Kihyun closes his eyes and for a moment they just breathe each other and then Kihyun asks what Hyungwon hadn’t allowed himself to think. “What about Minhyuk?”

Hyungwon is selfish and a coward and Minhyuk should have gone for someone better, but this moment is his and Kihyun’s and he has waited for a long time, and he can’t let it be hijacked by Minhyuk, so he doesn’t tell Kihyun that the deed is done, that Minhyuk has already witnessed his betrayal and Hyungwon has witnessed his heart break and then harden forever, so he lies, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to him. I am sure, he’ll understand. He is strong, he’ll get over it.”

Minhyuk doesn’t try to talk to him. There are no knocks on his door, and no long text messages waiting for him. Hyungwon, the huge coward that he is, doesn’t try to talk to Minhyuk either. Kihyun, who must be drowning in guilt as well and trying his best to repress Hyungwon’s relationship with Minhyuk doesn’t ask him either about what happened. He just notices that there is no Minhyuk in Hyungwon’s life and assumes that Hyungwon must have broken up with him over text.

Hoping for a new beginning, they lose each other to themselves and take everything from each other as they had always wanted to but couldn’t before. Kihyun is pliant under him as Hyungwon kisses his neck, and the next moment, their positions have been switched and then Hyungwon is whimpering as Kihyun jerks him off.

The nights that were spent watching independent movies and animes with Minhyuk in his arms get replaced with nights spent with binge-watching Parks and Recreation with Kihyun in his arms. Their mornings begin with a make-out session and no one scrunches his nose at him and tells him to brush his teeth before kissing. The melodic husky voice that permeated his life for the last six months isn’t there anymore but Hyungwon doesn’t mind and instead drowns himself in everything that is Kihyun.

It isn’t until the day before Kihyun and Hyungwon are planning to leave their small town for their college in the buzzing city that Hyungwon finally dares to send a text to Minhyuk. Not knowing what to send to a guy whose heart you broke, he sends a simple ‘Hey.’

He doesn’t get a reply and two hours later, there is a persistent knocking on his door. Hyungwon’s heart is thundering because he thinks Minhyuk is there and he has no idea what he could say to Minhyuk to justify his actions and give closure. He still doesn’t have any idea when he opens the door and comes face to face with Jooheon who is standing there with so much hate in his eyes, and a stoic expression he must have inherited from Minhyuk.

Before he could say anything, Jooheon pushes a plastic bag in his hands, walks back to his bicycle and then rides away. Hyungwon enters his house and closes the door behind him. His mother shouts from the kitchen asking him who is it, he replies that a friend came to give him some things.

He steps into his room and looks inside the plastic bag. Inside there is his favorite grey hoodie which Minhyuk was wearing the last time they had sex, he had left it in Minhyuk’s room with the intention of taking it back the next day. He smells the hoodie hoping to smell..he doesn’t know what..but instead, he smells the same fragrance that all of Minhyuk’s clothes have. He must have washed it, Hyungwon thinks. As he unfolds it, there is a sticky note beneath the neck, it’s a doodle of a turtle and a puppy, and it simply says, “Best of luck and Goodbye" with a crude smiley drawn beside it. 

Because Hyungwon knows Minhyuk, he knows even as he sends the text ‘You too, Goodbye’ that it wouldn’t send, and surely enough Minhyuk has blocked him. He had managed to hurt Minhyuk enough that he had decided that the only way to heal was to cut Hyungwon off from his life, and that’s what he did. Even though he wishes he could have Minhyuk in his life in some capacity, he knows he has fucked enough with Minhyuk’s life, so far be it from Hyungwon to begrudge the boy some closure and he promises himself that in college, he will make sure to not cross paths with him unless Minhyuk wanted him to. He repeats to himself what he had told Kihyun: Minhyuk is strong, he will get over it.

The irony isn’t lost on Hyungwon when he sees Minhyuk again for the first time, three years later, and realizes that Minhyuk is over him, and it’s him who isn’t over Minhyuk.


	2. Passing - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon and Kihyun are in love until they aren't. Also, Hyungwon's journey into stand-up begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for Hyunghyuk but not really Hyunghyuk content?

Hyungwon is selfish, cocky and many other things that you can blame him for but his one good trait, or perhaps his only good trait, some people would argue, is his self-awareness.

Even when he was fucking Minhyuk over, he never lied to himself saying that he wasn't fucking him over, he even went ahead to wrap it in a ribbon with 'Minhyuk will get over it' to ease his conscience, and then proceeded with fucking him over.

Hyungwon didn't lie to himself when he broke Minhyuk's heart, and he didn't lie to himself when he was standing there in the hall on his college orientation day hoping to catch a glimpse of Minhyuk. He just needed an image of smiling Minhyuk in his mind to overwrite the image of heartbroken Minhyuk but, of course, he doesn't get it because Minhyuk is nowhere to be seen.

For the next few months, there is no sign of Minhyuk. Guilty, as he is, he doesn't ask any of his acquaintances from school about Minhyuk. In a small town like that, everyone from their school must have known by now so unless there was some information forthcoming, Hyungwon planned on feigning disinterest.

While Hyungwon doesn't get any Minhyuk to soothe his sweltering guilt, what he does get is Kihyun and a new beginning in the land of bubbling dreams. They are in a big city now and Hyungwon plans on living it up with Kihyun until he is dying by a ditch because of partying too hard.

Kihyun and Hyungwon live together in a small studio apartment but it's alright because all they need is one bed and each other.

In the beginning, Kihyun attends his classes regularly because he is on a partial scholarship and his parents are going to look for any reason to pull back their financial support. They attend their classes and meet during their breaks.

In the cafeteria, Kihyun is sitting in Hyungwon's lap as they feed each other. Passing through corridors, there are stolen kisses. In the evening, Kihyun cooks and Hyungwon is wrapped around him from behind. At night, they devour each other. As Hyungwon is fingering Kihyun, hoping to turn him inside out, Kihyun is whimpering until he comes in Hyungwon's mouth.

Their love is a physical thing when they wake up in the morning. Hyungwon can't seem to believe his luck when he finds Kihyun in his arms. Their greetings are in I love yous, and their goodbyes are in I love yous.  
Hyungwon has waited three years and he won't be content until they have covered all the bases, complete with disgusting PDA because Kihyun likes it and Hyungwon likes whatever Kihyun likes. It's just Kihyun and Hyungwon, and Hyungwon and Kihyun against the world.

Hyungwon who had decided to write the next great American novel had chosen to major in English literature. In the first semester, Hyungwon is utterly intrigued by the ancient European classical literature in that he is delighted by Ovid's Metamorphoses where Procne cooks her son and feeds him to her husband as a revenge for her sister, and then they become birds and fly away, and boy, fratricide, cannibalism, women turning into birds to escape men, sign Hyungwon up.

There’s also Horace’s Satire and Hyungwon, reading it as an ancient roast session, is even more entertained. Then he is reading the first few chapters of the Illiad and leaves it for the week before the exams. On the day of his exam, he just reads the summary because he is too busy partying with Kihyun.

Kihyun who was living under the thumb of his absent parents and was always stuck up lets go after a month. He starts skipping classes with Hyungwon, and then they are out in the world, taking it on.

Carpe diem and every phrase in every language that allows them to lose themselves to alcohol and parties, and then there are some mushrooms and as Hyungwon is standing on the counter of some gay bar topless and with his pants unzipped, looking at the people below dancing, he has figured it all out.

He is the emperor of this planet, and these half-naked grinding men are his kingdom.

Suddenly, he thinks, where is my queen?

And, then there is Kihyun, taking some pills from a shady looking guy, but it's all alright, it's all jazzy, it's all milky way galaxy baby because they are going to rule every world, the universe just has to wait for them.

Then, he is just a mere peasant because he fails two of his exams, and his peasant-husband Kihyun barely manages to pass but loses his partial scholarship.

He goes back home to talk to his parents. After a week, he returns and tells him that he had to grovel to his parents and they agreed that they will finance him if he changed his major to something less "hobbyish" so they settle on changing his major to business with Photography as his minor.

Kihyun feels disappointed in himself that he let himself go to this extent. Hyungwon just wonders how did he manage to fail when all he had to do was read stuff and then write stuff about the stuff he just read. So, they scramble to get their shit together.

Chastised and sober, they attend their classes because as much as he wants to say fuck grades, Hyungwon does like looking at pretty grades. A, and Bs in a column look so pretty and F just doesn't speak to him that way. Also, there was that disappointed sigh from his mom that he never wants to hear again. She had been busy with moving to another town, and she already sounded weary handling it alone.

So, he promises himself that he'll put mediocre to good effort to get his shit together.

While Kihyun, well Kihyun is the most mysterious of all beings, he is so mysterious that even he can't figure himself out. Until, something screams in his face 'Yoo Kihyun, What the fuck?', Kihyun just doesn't think about it, and just goes with the flow.

So, Kihyun who was left untethered by his parents and had let himself go wild, nails himself the fuck down, and then he is diligently studying day and night, and when he isn't studying, he is out there capturing the world with his camera, hunting for every moment that needs to be immortalized. He joins a photography club, and well there is no going out now, not even during the weekends because Kihyun says so, which frankly, he thinks is a bit of an overkill but it's his lovely Yoo Kihyun, so he goes with it.

Except his lovely Yoo Kihyun is busy now, and Hyungwon, who just chose English literature as his major not because he thought it would help him write the next great American novel but because he just thought it would buy him four years to write something or just do nothing while showing it to his mom as him doing something, finds himself alone and with no friends.

Hyungwon wasn't what you would call ‘a loner’, no, his brand of introvert was a bit more nuanced and was labeled by some as 'asshole'. You see, Hyungwon had many acquaintances in school, close acquaintances, and while he didn't go out of his way to go hang out with them, if they asked him, he went out sometimes, sometimes he didn't. But, when he did go out he talked and laughed with them like friends.

So, while he did have many close acquaintances, he had one friend, Yoo Kihyun.

Yoo kihyun who took the time to look under his cocky nature and found him to be a cocky asshole but in a lovable it-grows-on-you-like-a-bad-sitcom way and, truth be told, he had all those acquaintances because he was in the volleyball team, and he had Kihyun who made friends easily and then dragged Hyungwon with him.

Now Kihyun is taking the world on his own and he can't drag Hyungwon with him and that's all right. Hyungwon supports his boyfriend.

He thinks of himself as a weak but independent blob who needs no man and starts thinking of ways to make new acquaintances.

/

A week before the holidays, Hyungwon calls his mom telling her that he is coming to visit her in her new place for Christmas when his mom drops the bomb on him. She tells him that she didn’t move out because she felt like it as she had told Hyungwon earlier but because she had been dating someone for three years. That that someone had moved to another town because of their work and since then they had been in a long-distance relationship, and once Hyungwon moved out, she took her chance.

The way she is careful with pronouns already clues Hyungwon in, and even though he is a bit disappointed that his mom had been dating someone for three years and never told him, Hyungwon holds his resentment back.

When his parents had divorced, and his father had left them, his mom had held strong and never made him feel the absence of a fatherly figure. His mom had given up so much of her life for his dad and then him, and Hyungwon would rather die alone in a ditch, then make her feel guilty for living her life.

He also thinks back on how her mom was so open and accepting that Hyungwon didn’t even have to come out to her. He had felt more nervous when he had come out to Kihyun then when he had casually told her mom that he was going out on a date with a guy.

Remembering this, he asks, “Mom, can you tell me a little about the person that you are dating? What kind of person are they? How did you guys meet? Do they make you happy?”

“....She makes me really happy, Hyungwon.”

“Yeah? How did you guys meet? Tell me everything.”

His mom’s sigh of relief is audible and Hyungwon wants to laugh at this role-reversal but he doesn’t and instead listens to his mom telling him everything just as he had asked.

/

Kihyun has to go back to his home for Christmas because his parents make him while Hyungwon stays back because he doesn’t want to intrude in his mother’s life who is spending her first Christmas with her partner.

Even though his mom insists that he should come, Hyungwon can’t help but give her at least this so he makes up a story about being busy with projects.

During the three days that he is alone, Instead of thinking about a minor or his paper or scope out some college clubs to join, he follows in the footsteps of the great procrastinators around the world and goes on the internet.

He is checking twitter and then Instagram when out of nowhere Minhyuk's name pops up in his mind, maybe because he was thinking of friends and acquaintances and everything in between before but Minhyuk's name flashes through his mind in neon lights, so he searches his name on both but, of course, Lee Minhyuk is a common name, and overwhelmed by the sea of Lee Minhyuks, he backs out.

He remembers Minhyuk telling him that he had an anonymous account but it was for seeing stuff rather than posting it so the possibility of him having an account with his real name is slim to none.

Then, like the utter idiot that he is, he puts Lee Minhyuk on Google search, and suddenly his heart is beating fast, because there among all that insignificant shit, there are a few YouTube videos, and all have that beautiful face that he had held in his hands so many times.

There is that smart mouth, topped with delicate lips always adorning a smile or a pout, there are those beautiful mischievous eyes with their uneven blink that managed to pull almost anyone in.

There's Minhyuk. His Lee Minhyuk or at least his used-to-be Minhyuk.

He clicks on his YouTube channel, and it's called ‘Lee Minhyuk’. Ahh there's that creativity, Hyungwon thinks sarcastically and a little hurt because the first video was made a year ago, so Minhyuk didn't make this channel while they were dating, he already had it, and Hyungwon was dating a celebrity.

Well, perhaps, a celebrity might be an overstatement he thinks because there are 688 views on his latest video published 6 months ago, but, well, considering it's a person he knows, they are a lot.

He clicks on the latest video in anticipation because it's the first video that Minhyuk published after their break up, in fact, almost a week after their break up, and it's a live stream Q & A.

So, he clicks and waits.

There's Minhyuk, adjusting his fluffy hair, blinking his uneven blink while looking into the camera. Then, he's giving a slight smile, so dimmed in its intensity, and Hyungwon thinks, look what you've done, you complete asshole.

Minhyuk is looking at the screen, probably looking at all the chats coming up. Then, comes that honey-sweet voice.

"Hello, in case you are wondering why am I here after being gone for so long. Well, I got my 500th subscriber today, and I promised that I would do a live Q & A when I get my 500th subscriber, so here I am, doing it."

"What's your favorite color?" Minhyuk read out the question, and the answer is immediate. "That's easy. My favorite color is Jesus. Amen!"

"Where have you been for the past month?"  
"Well, I've been trolling brothels, banging hoes, snorting coke, and getting STDs like a legend."

Ahhh, Minhyuk, never change. Never change.

"Are you single?"  
"Yup. You give a few people herpes and then stab them with a nail cutter and suddenly you aren't a “dating material”. People need to be less shallow."

Hyungwon closes his eyes because he knows this YouTube persona of Minhyuk won't give him answers regarding the real Minhyuk but he misses Minhyuk's sense of humor and just Minhyuk, so he keeps watching.

"Did you break up with your boyfriend?"  
"Nope, he dumped me for Jessica. That's his sex doll. He said that she gave him more stimulating blowjobs and conversation than me."

This boy, Hyungwon thinks, can't he just say the truth so I can know about him without talking to him? Jesus.

"You look sad.”  
“Random person on the internet, I am sad-"

Finally, they are getting somewhere.

"-because Jesus died for our sins. Hallelujah!"

And that's how it goes, strangers ask him questions, and Minhyuk just replies with the most random shit.

Ahhh, he does miss Minhyuk.

"When are you going to post the next sketch?"  
"I am currently busy with some stuff, mainly with giving people herpes and then stabbing them with a nail cutter, so it won't be soon but I am working on a few things that I am really excited about and I can’t wait to share it with you guys."

"OKAY, one last question then I am leaving. I need to go to church to meet my favorite pastor. He has groomed me since I was a kid, ya know? I gotta pay back with respect and..now refined blowjob technique."

If Minhyuk was 50% in his life, then YouTube Minhyuk was 110% and asking for people on the internet to kill him.

"Can I be your boyfriend?"  
"No, I had one. Wouldn't recommend. Bye, guys! Thank you for being my followers, please look forward to Kool-aid as a merch. See ya!"

And that's all Minhyuk says about him.

"Wouldn't recommend it"

He sums up Hyungwon and their relationship in a short and simple phrase: wouldn't recommend it.

And, well, ouch, does that hurt a bit. So, he stops, subscribes to his channel and doesn't look at the other videos.

/

The magic number is nine months for them because this is how much time it takes for them to consummate the unsatiated hunger that they had for each other for years.

Once the dust starts settling down, and they have more than tasted the fruit that used to be forbidden, the taste starts becoming less appealing as the spark starts fading away.

Kihyun is out there exploring his world, rediscovering why he fought tooth and nail to choose Photography as his major. He shows how he sees the world through his pictures to Hyungwon, and his baby is doing so great. Hyungwon is so proud, really he is, but Jesus fucking Christ, Kihyun needs him to wax poetic about every picture or give him a dissertation objectively criticizing it, and Hyungwon regrets putting the utmost importance on communication.

Kihyun talks about his favorite photographers, lenses and angles and Hyungwon intrigued in the beginning, feels bored out of his mind, and as the time passes adapts to feigning interest rather than actually paying attention. Kihyun notices this and starts getting annoyed, the nagging that used to be adorable, starts becoming cumbersome.

Hyungwon who fiercely almost aggressively used to protect his space, and had once broken up with a girl within three days when he felt trapped because of her constant need for attention had left none when it came to his relationship with Kihyun.

Their small one-room studio apartment feels too small to contain two such strong personalities and he feels suffocated with Yoo Kihyun. Within the span of nine months, it goes from not enough to too much.

Hyungwon had thrown himself into the Yoo Kihyun named ditch face-first with a smile because who needs 'slowing down' and 'having your own space' when you have the love of your life who you pined after for three years in your arms. He finds himself with no space of his own but at the same time left lonely because Kihyun has a world of his own, and rightly so, that Hyungwon can't enter.

He doesn’t even have any interest in entering it but in his misguided attempt at love, he had let himself get lost in.

Hyungwon represses these thoughts of discontent though because it cost him three years and another person's heart to get where he is but he is lonely. His former acquaintances are somewhere else discovering their own worlds, and Hyungwon is too picky and too intimidated to intrude into the groups that have already formed during their first semester when he was discovering his own world in Kihyun.

Although, he doesn't want to be that person that holds Kihyun back just because he feels lonely. This is the time to do as their heart tells them to, and Kihyun who had fought so hard deserves to live his passion and perfect his craft as he wants. They should be part of each other's world rather than each other's world so, with that in mind, Hyungwon decides to join a club.

He goes for a club called the House of Bins, and okay, alright, self-deprecation humor, I see you.

The "student-organization" describes itself as the only student-run sketch comedy writing and performance group on the university campus. The description says: “We are committed to writing and producing high-quality comedy shows and videos with progressive ideas and showcasing a variety of different voices.”

He could have gone for a better group, but Hyungwon wants the comfort that comes with mediocrity, so he decides to join it.

He gives his audition to a girl with long ginger hair, a guy with a backward snapback, and another girl with black shoulder-length hair with light bangs.

Hyungwon prepares three jokes for his stand up. He introduces himself and they ask him why he wants to join the club, he replies honestly that he just wanted some friends and this place won over the AA. There are some polite laughs and then he goes:

"So, I come from a religious family, so, like, I really love God. In fact, I love him so much that when puberty came and everyone was jerking off to porn, all I thought of was Jesus."

A deliberate pause.

"I mean, have you seen the abs on that man?"

His style of comedy is simple, he starts with an innocuous set-up and then follows it up with the most absurd outrageous thing he can think of.

The ginger girl gives an amused exhale and a grin, the snapback boy starts snickering loudly while the black-haired girl looks unamused.

Alright, you don't like anti-religion jokes, well Hyungwon got you.

"As I grew up, my parents never pushed their religion on me, they respected my right to self-determination, but my atheism never shook their love for Christ.

so imagine my surprise when they replaced their Jesus sex doll for some anime boy body pillow."

The other two are laughing and glancing at the black-haired girl who looks like she wants to kill Hyungwon, but Hyungwon who had planned on using only one anti-religion joke and had discarded the others decides to go through his memory and choose selected ones from that pile because he is enjoying being a shithead to someone after so long.

"But, even anime boy couldn't shake their faith because it was always Jesus' name on their lips

when they came."

A snort by snapback boy and the black-haired girl is about to get up and walk out.

“Now imagine my disappointment, when they believed that Mary was a virgin pregnant with God's child and not me

when I told them that I was a virgin with HPV."

The black-haired girl is openly fuming but the other two are grinning, and Hyungwon feels accomplished.

"Do you think mocking someone's religion is funny?" The black-haired girl has a sweet voice but Hyungwon knows that the words won't be.

"Well, if you're funny about it, it sure is. In fact, it's a low-hanging fruit."

"Yeah? Then, why don't you go for something else?"

"I just said that 'cause it's a low-hanging fruit, it pisses off the people that I want to piss off, and it tickles the people I want to be tickled."

"Well, why not make up a joke that's funny for everyone?"

"I don't think that's possible. Everyone has a different sense of humor influenced by different things one of them being their culture. If a comedian is making a joke to please the universe, he will find himself short of making anyone laugh."

"Well, apparently, you know everything, so why don't you give it a try?"

"Alright. Here's a not-so-offensive, non-religious, non-political, non-anything universal joke."

Hyungwon puts the mic back on the stand, stands in front of it, looks into the girl's eye and as deadpan as he can makes chicken sounds while flapping his folded arms.

The other two are openly laughing now, and miracles of miracles, the girl's lips are twitching and she is shaking her head like she can't believe him.

"Am I in, then?"

"We'll let you know, but, yeah, consider yourself in," the snapback guy replies.

Next week, he gets a message from an unknown number congratulating him on becoming a member of the House of Bins.

/

There are six members in the group. Three seniors which include the snapback guy, Jackson, the ginger girl, Exy, and three freshmen including Hyungwon, and the black-haired girl, Seola.

Individually, they come up with their own performances, and together they try to write down a group act. It's a work in progress and an arduous task when they can't stop goofing around.  
Hyungwon finds himself in his element, where he again makes close acquaintances and have the time of his life with them during their meetings but doesn't contact them outside of that.

Now that he is involved with the club and interacting and joking around with other people, he realizes the cracks in his relationship with Kihyun go much deeper than he thought.

/

Hyungwon and Kihyun have a petty fight about Kihyun redoing the dishes that Hyungwon already did.

Hyungwon who had been lying down on the couch watching a movie on his laptop startles to awareness when he hears Kihyun banging the dishes in the kitchen.

Perhaps, Kihyun is rehearsing for a college event where they bang utensils to raise awareness about noise pollution because he can't think of any other reason for the ungodly ruckus that Kihyun is causing.

Hyungwon who was practically dragged out of his sleep, and nagged into doing the dishes is not amused when he enters the kitchen and finds Kihyun washing the dishes again, and going out of his way to throw it in Hyungwon's face.

"Are you redoing the dishes that you forced me to do?" he asks, annoyed.

"Ooo, there are those exceptional observational skills sharpened by two years of volleyball, now only if you knew how to actually do the dishes."

Hyungwon is a patient man but boy does Kihyun get on his nerves sometimes with his passive-aggressiveness.

"Just say yeah and go. You don't have to diss me just because I asked you something that you most certainly wanted me to ask considering the noise that you are making."

"Of course, my every action is because of you because God forbid the world stops revolving around Chae Hyungwon."

"Christ! You're so overdramatic."

"Anything else that you want to add? How about you just call me hysterical and be done with this conversation so that I can continue doing the dishes."

Hyungwon just rolls his eyes and starts walking out because he doesn't want to fight, but he is stopped by Kihyun shouting at him.

"Is talking to me too much for you that now you aren't even bothering to feign interest and think it’s okay to just walk out on me?"

Hyungwon is furious because, with passive-aggressive Kihyun, it's always everything but the actual thing that he is fighting about. All this drama about dishes and all Kihyun had to say was, "Hey Hyungwon, pay more attention to me."

"Well, Yoo Kihyun not everyone has the same interests so when you are going on about camera models for an hour, I think I am allowed to zone out for a minute."

"You know what I think?"

"Oh please, enlighten me. I am dying to know what you think with your big boy galaxy brain."

Kihyun is speechless for a second and then he gives a self-deprecating laugh and shakes his head.

"You're right. You don't need to listen to me."

Hyungwon is speechless as well because he can't believe that he fucked up so magnificently. Kihyun is a mystery to Kihyun himself but to everyone else, he is an open book.

He is hurt. Hyungwon hurt him. Minhyuk and Kihyun are similar in the way that both hide their insecurities behind a complicated facade.

Kihyun studies hard but is always overshadowed by people like Hyungwon who barely pick a book and yet manage to score better than him. Even knowing that book smart doesn’t mean anything, he’s still insecure about his own intelligence.

So, when Hyungwon says "big boy galaxy brain" in his most patronizing tone, he has stripped Kihyun naked and hit him where it hurts the most. He does it almost instinctively and without much thought but that doesn't absolve him from his responsibility.

He moves towards Kihyun, thinking of a way to apologize when Kihyun in the littlest of voices says, "Please leave me alone."

So Hyungwon does.

He walks around for a while and then decides to sit in the park near their place. Hoping for a distraction, he unlocks his phone and just stares at the background. It’s a picture of Kihyun's hands holding a cat.

He thinks about how they have been friends for five years and he pined after Kihyun for three of those yet he is managing to fuck everything up within just one year of the relationship.

It's all numbers and emotions floating through his mind while looking at his mobile screen when he thinks of someone else he hurt.

He goes on Minhyuk's YouTube channel and upon finding no new video goes to his very first.

There's a 17-year old Minhyuk waving his hands at his audience with his lips seared into a watermelon smile and the apples of his cheeks bulging out. In his half-sleeve lavender shirt, he reminds Hyungwon of spring.

"Hello, YouTube People. It's ya boi Minhyuk."

He does a stupid west sign with his tongue out and Hyungwon feels pity, because oh Minhyuk, this is going to haunt you in the future.

"Nah, just kidding. So today I saw a video of a girl performing a self-written song on Instagram and it had so many views. It was the most cliche banal stuff that you can imagine. Typical teen 'I am lost in your eyes' love song but apparently if you're cute, can play an instrument and pronounce your 's' weirdly while singing, that's all you need. Singing and songwriting be damned. And I can do that, you know? But, I am above the cretin that accumulates the dark corners of Facebook and Instagram. I am a Twitter and YouTube guy. So I am going to sing my shit here."

There's a cut, and then there's Minhyuk with his ukulele.

"This song was written during a time when my boyfriend broke up with me and it's about how his absence has left a gaping hole in me and the process of moving on."

Minhyuk takes a deep breath and now his fingers are strumming the ukulele in his hands.

"I love guys and trees,

If you have a dick or a branch I want it in me.

They say that you shouldn't give up,

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea,

But maybe it's just not for me.

Because even as I close my eyes,

Fucking a fish just doesn't feel the same way to me..."

Hyungwon's lips are twitching, not only because Minhyuk is ridiculous but his ridiculousness is so endearing and familiar to Hyungwon, and suddenly he is nose-diving into the dreaded pool of nostalgia where he is reliving every moment where Minhyuk made Hyungwon laugh.

He thinks how easily he had fit with Minhyuk but before his thoughts could cross over the dangerous territory of regret he forcibly stops himself because he won't be that person who broke someone's heart for another person only to regret it for all the wrong reasons.

He won't compare them because the comparison isn't fair by any means. Minhyuk and Hyungwon started from practically strangers and dated for barely six months. They never made it past their honeymoon period to actually experience friction whereas Kihyun and Hyungwon knew each other for a long time. Their relationship might have started on the grave of another but, spearing through their guilt and hatred for themselves, it never affected their love for each other.

They had been dating for over a year. On their first anniversary, Kihyun had made him breakfast in bed. He started his day with strawberry syrup and Kihyun's lips and then they went to the lakeside for a picnic after their classes.

Kihyun clicked a picture of Hyungwon in front of the lake with a flower crown on his head and looking at his own smile captured in Kihyun's lens, Hyungwon had thought that Kihyun had a wonderful gift. Later when Kihyun had gifted him a framed picture of themselves from three years ago, their faces split with wide grins and pressed against each other, Hyungwon had thought, I love this man so much.

This had happened a month ago. So, sure, there were cracks in their relationship but that just meant that they were entering a new stage in their relationship and if they passed this test, their love will come out stronger.

Determined, Hyungwon goes back. When Kihyun opens the door, he engulfs him in a hug. Then he gives an overexaggerated theatrical whimper and clings even harder which makes Kihyun laugh. "Let go of me, you leech."

Hyungwon pulls back and putting all his power into his doe eyes that he knows Kihyun is a sucker for, says, "But Dobby doesn't want to master. Dobby is sorry, master. Please don't leave Dobby, master."

Kihyun is laughing at him, and Hyungwon will do whatever it takes to apologize without actually apologizing.

"Is that your kink, Hyungwon. Roleplaying as Dobby?"

Hyungwon makes a face. "Projecting, are we?"

There's a flick on his forehead that hurts like hell followed by tender kisses on the sore spot and then they are kissing.

Kihyun is backing up towards their mattress and Hyungwon is following him, lips still attached. Now they are lying on the mattress, and Hyungwon is unzipping Kihyun's sweatshirt as Kihyun is laying down soft kisses on Hyungwon's neck.

Kihyun says something that Hyungwon doesn't hear and replies in a questioning hmmm.

"I said that I want you to make love to me."

Hyungwon laughs because the line is so corny, and, of course, Kihyun is trying to make him lau- Suddenly, the kisses on his neck stop and when he looks up at Kihyun, there is a hurt expression on Kihyun's face much like before but Hyungwon can tell that this time he fucked up even more.

Kihyun gets up while Hyungwon tries to hold him down by capturing his wrist. Kihyun shrugs him off and Hyungwon is walking on eggshells now, so he doesn't push and lets Kihyun walk out of the door.

An hour later as Hyungwon is lying on the mattress, he thinks of all their fights. All of them petty and stupid squabbles. Even when their passion ran with their rage, and their verbal fights were tinged red with their impulsive urge to cut and hurt with words, Hyungwon hadn't questioned the foundation of their relationship. But now over an innocuous incident that they would probably laugh about in the future, Hyungwon's faith is shaken.

Hyungwon who has always been incapable of lying to himself is forced to acknowledge that Kihyun and Hyungwon's relationship as lovers isn't going to last. They are too different people, cut from a different cloth. They both love differently because Kihyun wants courting and romance. He wants flowers, long messages about how much Hyungwon loves him every now and then and other mushy stuff.

Even though, Kihyun deserves everything he wants.

It's just that...it's not what Hyungwon wants.

He doesn't want courting and romance. He doesn't like giving or getting flowers. When it comes to love, he expresses it in actions. Hell, he is so emotionally constipated that he can't even apologize sincerely even when he feels sorry.

He is not the kind to say "make love" while Kihyun is. Even though their conflict is silly and easily solvable, it doesn't change the fact that they want different things from love.

He still remembers the disappointed look that Kihyun had tried covering on their anniversary when Hyungwon had told him that they could stay in and watch something but he had caught it and had suggested a picnic, feeling guilty for not being a considerate boyfriend.

He is thinking back on every moment when he disappointed Kihyun.

Kihyun who is so passionate in whatever he does that he is baffled by Hyungwon's laid back attitude about everything.

Kihyun who is so communication starved because of his cold parents that he wants Hyungwon to listen to him talk about lenses and formulas in macroeconomics with interest and then give his own thesis on it.

Kihyun who always felt unacknowledged by his parents and peers that he now wants to celebrate every little moment but doesn't because Hyungwon deems such things as unnecessary.

Kihyun who comes from a rich family, and has been surrounded by reserved people all his life, has ended up with another emotionally reserved person who he is left trying to crack open.

Suddenly, he realizes that Kihyun has stopped ranting about his photography to Hyungwon. In fact, he hasn't even seen any pictures since their anniversary.

He feels ashamed. He is overwhelmed by the realization that Kihyun and he are meant to be for each other as everything but lovers because Kihyun deserves someone who is as passionate as him, who is open and who will shower Kihyun in love with flowers and words.

Hyungwon isn't that person though but he can change. He should try to change for Kihyun because this can't be it. There's more to their love story, there has to be.

Even as he is saying this, his traitorous mind brings up someone else who had laughed with him in a moment just like he had with Kihyun. Then his brain dials up the internal torture and keeps bringing up Minhyuk's voice saying if the change isn't natural, it's going to break that person and relationship but he forcibly quashes it.

He attempts to lie to himself but even at that moment, in the back of his mind, he recognizes it for what it is: the beginning of their end.

Hyungwon goes out and buys roses. When he comes back, he spots Kihyun sitting in front of their door. "Where were you?"

Wordlessly, Hyungwon offers his free hand which Kihyun takes and helps him get up. He then unlocks the door with his key, crowds Kihyun against the door as soon as they get in and offers the roses to Kihyun who takes them in shock.

"I..I am sorry, I shouldn't have laug-"

"No, I shouldn't have walked out. You just thought that I was joking. But the emotions were running high and I just blurted it out. It's lame and me walking out was stupid."

Hyungwon lets his forehead fall against kihyun's and shakes his head because Kihyun is explaining himself when he is the one who needs to explain.

"I am sorry, it wasn't lame. I am the lame one. I am really sorry for laughing. But you know what I am most sorry about?"

"What?"

"For not doing the dishes as they should have been done. The dishes deserved better."

Kihyun is smiling at him and he smiles back but he doesn't miss how subdued Kihyun looks and he definitely doesn't miss the awareness in Kihyun's eyes that must be reflected in his as well.

Kihyun is clutching him and the roses are crushed between them just like all the words left unspoken.

/

They manage to drag it to three more months before Hyungwon decides to put a stop on it.

The three months before it all comes to head are filled with frequent bouquet of red roses which prickle Hyungwon's skin, Kihyun doing all the chores wordlessly and denying Hyungwon's help with a shake of his head, Kihyun not saying anything about his photography even when Hyungwon asks.

Kihyun and Hyungwon who had gone through their awkward getting-to-know-each-other phase years ago, find themselves in a weird limbo of being not quite friends, not quite lovers and not quite strangers.

If before there were fights followed by heated make-out sessions and then tender apologies, this time around, they try their best to not start fights but even if there are no fights, there is no passion either.

Everything is subdued as if they both are waiting for something to crack whether it's their relationship or them, Hyungwon isn't sure.

It comes to a head when Jackson asks him if Kihyun is willing to sell some of the photographs that are on display and leaves Hyungwon baffled because what display is he talking about?

As soon as a surprised Jackson answers him that the display that the Photography club has organized and has been going on for a week now in the second hall and actually has Kihyun as the featured photographer, Hyungwon stomps there, frustration and rage dogging his every step.

As he passes the corridor and sees every photograph clicked by Kihyun, his eyes fall on a series of pictures and his anger is replaced by bone-deep melancholy because whatever Kihyun and Hyungwon had left unsaid between them for the past few months is there in the photographs, projected for the world to see if they dare.

There are six pictures displayed in a series.

The first picture is of Minhyuk and Hyungwon with Minhyuk sitting in his lap, face pressed against his chest. The focus is on Hyungwon and everything is blurred out a little including Minhyuk. But, Hyungwon remembers that day, and he remembers Minhyuk so he knows that while Hyungwon is grinning at the cameraman Kihyun, Minhyuk's eyes are downcast, a soft smile playing on his lips.

The next picture is of Hyungwon alone. He is standing sideways in front of a pole, his shirt unbuttoned, thrusting against the pole, his back in an arch. His head is thrown back, eyes closed, an expression of complete bliss on his face as the club lights color his profile in purple hues.

The next picture is the one that they had clicked during their anniversary. Hyungwon is again looking at the cameraman Kihyun, smiling softly, a flower crown on head, sitting on a blue blanket, vibrant green grass surrounding him against the backdrop of the lake.

The three pictures are vibrant and saturated as if to overwhelm and if it hadn't been for an obvious subject, Hyungwon, the viewer's eyes had been all over the place.

The next picture is of Hyungwon in front of the laptop. In the picture, he looks focused but he remembers this moment too and, therefore, knows for a fact that all he was doing was bullshitting. Kihyun had asked him to do the laundry right then instead of procrastinating. Hyungwon had lied and said that he had an assignment to complete, just because he didn't want to work right then or fight about it.

As innocuous as that lie was, it's the awareness that he felt the need to lie to Kihyun. Since when did their sweet bickering start escalating into full-blown fights?

The photograph’s mood is mellow and kind of melancholic, compared to the previous three. The mood of the photograph, and by turn, the photographer and the subject is also emphasized by the decreased saturation.

The next picture is of Hyungwon sleeping on the sofa after a huge fight. The fight had started with gentle teasing until their emotions collided with each other and imploded, leaving scattered pieces of their hearts reflected in the tears streaming from Kihyun’s eyes which didn’t matter at the time because all they wanted to do was cut each other with their words.

Jesus, what were they even fighting about? Oh, of course, Kihyun had returned from a hectic day in college and had found Hyungwon lounging on the sofa, a book in his hands. Kihyun had teased him that exams were still a month away, picking up a book this time is too soon for him. Hyungwon who was completely engrossed in the protagonist’s inner dialogue hadn’t even looked up from his book as he replied that it was a personal read, completely unrelated to his papers for this semester.

Kihyun who didn’t read as a hobby had asked him, baffled, that if he wanted to read stories why not just read his coursebooks? Hyungwon, eternally cursed to be condescending as a reflex, replies slowly as if talking to a child, “It might be a new concept for you, so listen carefully. Different books have different stories and right now I don’t want to read Macbeth. I. want. to. read. this.”

Hyungwon who now had looked up to accompany his patronizing tone with his condescending lilt of brow had felt accomplished when he had seen Kihyun scrunch his face in repressed anger.

“I know I don’t mingle in the same high-brow circles as you but I am aware of the concept, thank you very much. I just asked because I thought you would decide to do something productive in your life for once.”

“Oh? You think I am doing nothing?”

“I am amazed that you even know how to pronounce ‘Productive’. That alone is a feat enough for you.”

“Thanks,” Hyungwon replies sarcastically. If Hyungwon knew Kihyun, Kihyun knew him as well. He knows where to hit to hurt, and this time the arrow had hit the bullseye with no mercy accorded.

Kihyun who had felt ridiculed and was tired from a long day doesn’t back down. “No, you tell me. What have you done since you left school which was almost ten months ago, mind you.  
You just attend your classes for attendance, you don’t study at home. You aren’t doing a part-time job even if you have all the time in the world because lord knows that you don’t do any chores until I tell you ten times to do it or do it myself. You haven’t written anything much less the next great American novel. So, no, leave your sarcasm behind, and tell me if you have done anything productive? Anything?”

Hyungwon had felt cornered because Kihyun hadn’t said anything that he hadn’t thought himself. He is hurt that Kihyun would take a shot on his insecurities like this, just to one-up him in an argument.

Cornered and hurt, he takes cover in his charade of apathy and the need to hurt back. “I don’t know Kihyun, tolerating you and your constant nagging and not offing myself seems like a full-time productive job to me.” He doesn’t take any pride in the way that Kihyun flinches at his cruelty but he also doesn’t look back as he walks out of their studio.

He returns late at night and just sleeps on the sofa instead of their shared mattress. The next morning, there were soft-spoken apologies and rough fucking but before that there is Hyungwon in the picture, sleeping on the sofa because he hurt Kihyun and Kihyun had hurt him.

As Hyungwon is reflecting on it, his eyes fall on the last picture in the series. Suddenly, he feels that there isn’t enough air in the world because his thoughts are suffocating him like a giant squeezing his neck like a plaything.

In the last picture, Hyungwon is wearing a white button-down with black slacks and on his face is a broad grin, his eyes are twinkling with mirth and mischief at Seola who also has an unwilling smile on her face and her hand on his arm, pushing him, as she often does when Hyungwon makes a joke. The photograph shows their face up close in profile but Hyungwon can’t tell if it was zoomed in or cropped.

A few weeks ago, the House of Bins had put on a successful show with three stand-ups and a group act. He was delirious with the laughter of the crowd which peaked during his stand-up. Kihyun had come, congratulated him with a kiss and embrace and then gone back to clicking pictures as he had been hired to do by Jackson.

Somewhere during that night, it’s an inconsequential moment that Kihyun has captured. At least, it’s inconsequential to Hyungwon but now looking at the picture he thinks what made Kihyun click this picture, edit it and put on a display in a series centering their relationship.

The picture is again saturated. Looking at the pattern and the complete picture that the series makes, Hyungwon realizes that Kihyun has painted a graph for Hyungwon’s happiness, his highs and lows as Kihyun had perceived them.

Not cropping out Seola’s face feels deliberate, and the picture in general slaps Hyungwon in the face because Kihyun is an open book and Hyungwon knows what he is seeing, what Kihyun must have been seeing.

As he looks at all the pictures, he confronts a deterioration of a relationship.

With all these thoughts swirling in his head, threatening to overflow, Hyungwon goes back to their apartment and waits for Kihyun. Hyungwon’s inner turmoil must be apparent on his face because the first thing that Kihyun does is ask Hyungwon if he is okay.

Hyungwon looks at Kihyun intently, looking for any clues because how did Hyungwon miss all of this? Hyungwon knows Kihyun, he has been able to read him like an open book since they became acquainted. Even when Kihyun and Hyungwon were separated by the physical boundaries of their separate homes, Hyungwon could read Kihyun by how many full-stops he put in his text, so now when Kihyun is with him, in the same space, how did he miss this?

Is he blind or Kihyun, who Hyungwon always found transparent, chose to finally put up walls to protect himself from Hyungwon?

Squirming under Hyungwon’s intense stare, Kihyun finally asks, “what?”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Your display.”

“Oh. I...umm. Did you see it?”

Kihyun’s gaze shifts from Hyungwon to somewhere far away to look for the right words because they are living their life as if they are walking on a floor cluttered with broken glass and all it would take is a slightly careless step to bleed.

Hyungwon has had enough though. It all stops now. They won’t continue to hurt each other just because they waited for years to get here. They won’t continue to hurt each other just because they hurt someone else to get here.

“Tell me, Kihyun.” His voice is calm as he speaks because he knows that this is the end. Wherever they will go, together or not, it won’t be as lovers.

“I..I...didn’t think you would be interested.” Kihyun’s eyes shift and Hyungwon knows that Kihyun’s next sentence is to deflect from the actual content of the display. “After all, whenever I talk about something, I just bore you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to come to an event just because your boyfriend asked you to.”

Hyungwon doesn’t take the bait, and bracing himself asks what he knows since he saw the last picture. “How long?”

“You need to be clear with your questions, Hyungwon.”

“How long have you been thinking that I was cheating on you?”

The cat is out of the bag now. There’s nowhere to go from here but the end because if there’s no trust than what’s the point to it all.

Kihyun, who always doubts his intelligence, is by no means dumb so he doesn’t even ask Hyungwon how he reached that conclusion. Kihyun might be a quiet one but his photographs were loud enough.

Everything else that Hyungwon saw there, he already knew about their relationship but this...this came out of nowhere and his ears are still ringing with how loud the implication was. “Almost a month.”

Even as the emotions inside Hyungwon are threatening to burst, his tone is clinical as he is dissecting the cadaver of their relationship. “What made you think that?”

“Hyungwon...I am so sorry. Please don’t do this. oh God, I am so stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking..I...Hyungwon please…” Kihyun is crying, and Hyungwon holds him much like he did when Kihyun had rejected him more than two years ago.

But he needs to put a stop on this because lord knows that KIhyun won’t. As he tries to calm Kihyun, he asks again. “You need to tell me Kihyun, please.”

“I...It was just small insignificant things. You smiling while texting her even though you rarely text. You teasing her and trying to make her laugh.

I don’t know. You looked so grey with me but, with her, you had color.”

Kihyun, who has a better way with visuals than with words, describes his feeling in hues, and Hyungwon’s mind keeps going back to those photographs.

“I wasn’t...I am not cheating on you, Kihyun. I am not that kind of person, I thought you would know that better than anyone.”

Kihyun’s eyes are pleading as he clutches Hyungwon’s arms. “I know. I know. I am so stupid. You aren’t that kind of person. What happened with Minhyuk was just one off-” Kihyun suddenly stops and his eyes are wide with fear.

Kihyun, who hadn’t spoken Minhyuk’s name even once after they got together, immediately wants to take his words back, Hyungwon can read it in his wide eyes. It’s all in the open now though.

They had built their relationship on the grave of another, so they shouldn’t be surprised by the shadow of its gravestone still looming over theirs. Even if it was left unacknowledged, it has always been there.

Kihyun knows Hyungwon inside out, even then he couldn’t help but doubt his loyalty.

As bitter as it sounds, even as Hyungwon insists that he isn’t that kind of person, the matter of the fact is that he did cheat on Minhyuk with Kihyun as the witness. He is that kind of person, and just because he did it with someone who he had pined after for a long time doesn’t make it any better.

Can Hyungwon really blame Kihyun for not trusting him when their own relationship was built after he broke the trust of another? Is it too giant a leap to question his loyalty?

They are holding each other back and making each other miserable. The spark has left them and what remains is fear of change. There is no trust here as lovers and even if they rebuild it, it won’t be the same. Not when they have hurt each other so many times, not when they hurt someone else together. The foundation of their facade was shaky and there is no point living in a house that breaks down after every slight tremor.

“We need to break up.”

There. It’s been done. He said it.

Kihyun, his sweet Kihyun, who always goes with the flow, puts up a last fight. “Hyungwon, please. Please. I didn’t mean to doubt you. It was just all subconscious. Please. Don’t do this. I love you so much. Please.”

Hyungwon has never seen Kihyun cry so hard and even as his heart clenches in pain, he doesn’t give in. He has to break up with Kihyun if he wants to salvage their friendship. He has to cut their ties as lovers now when the scars that they have put on each other don’t run deep and would fade away with time.

Hyungwon pulls Kihyun in his arms as Kihyun keeps sobbing and repeating, “Please Hyungwon.”

“Baby, stop. I love you too. I love you so much. I have loved you for so long and I think I will keep loving you.”

“Then give me another chance. Give us another chance.”

He pulls back and wipes Kihyun’s tears with his sleeves, and then holds his head against his chest again, patting him.

“I love you but we need to stop Kihyun. We are hurting each other. With our words. With our silences.

You deserve someone who you want. Someone who does all this Hollywood big gesture romantic shit that goes above my head. Someone who gives you roses sincerely and serenades with you off-key romantic songs, and writes you long romantic letters.”

Kihyun gives a light laugh, forced out of his chest. “You make me sound so high-maintenance.”

“Aren’t you?” Hyungwon teases back.

Kihyun pulls back from his arms and flicks him on the forehead. Hyungwon gives an overexaggerated moan of pain. Anything to make this easier. Predictably, Kihyun shakes his head and Hyungwon drags him back in his arms.

“You deserve someone who would pay attention to you and your interests, someone who is as passionate and hardworking as you are. Just...someone who loves you the way you want to be loved.”

There is silence as they hold each other. With his head buried in Hyungwon’s chest, KIhyun murmurs, “You deserve someone who will give you space, who is as smart and funny as you are. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who is perceptive enough to read love in your actions. Someone who is good with words but doesn’t need them.”

Kihyun raises his head to look into his eyes. “Someone who trusts you unconditionally.” Hyungwon, caught in Kihyun’s sincerity, echoes the soft smile that Kihyun has. “Someone who doesn’t nag me into doing things and just let me live in my pigsty.”

Kihyun laughs. “God, I hope not.” The laugh dies down to leave the same soft smile. “You deserve someone who understands you. Someone who loves the same way you love.”

They are both smiling softly, hiding their heartbreak.

“You deserve someone who likes boring stuff like reading.”

“Excusez-Moi? I deserve someone taller who doesn’t say lame stuff like ‘make love to me’."

Kihyun is hitting him while laughing, his nose red because of crying. Even if their bickering is little forced to imitate normalcy, it still is the most free that Hyungwon has felt in months. He knows that their friendship isn’t ruined, all they need is space and time.

“No, honestly. When I said that you should try reading, I didn’t mean read trashy romantic novellas. What else do you want me to do, Kihyun? Attack your hot cavern with my throbbing manhood?”

Kihyun is laughing loudly now. The noise spilling out of him genuine and unrestrained, reminding Hyungwon what made him fall in the first place. Hyungwon knows it will be a long and hard road to rebuild their friendship, so he makes sure to ink that moment in his memory to get him by.

“One last time?”

“Alright. Seriously, it’s hard being this irresistible.”

They are done now. The realization is there as they make out, as Hyungwon touches Kihyun’s thigh, as he caresses and kisses every part of his body just before losing himself inside Kihyun.

/

After a week, Kihyun moves out. Within that week, the temptation is high to kiss him again, to fuck him again, to take back his words and patch up, to do anything to keep him there but Hyungwon resists and Kihyun does too because they can’t jeopardize their friendship, not when it’s so tenuous.

And that’s how their journey as lovers ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading it!
> 
> Please let me know of any typos, omissions and grammatical mistakes, I would really appreciate it. 
> 
> Give me your feedback, and let me know your fav parts or anything else!
> 
> Also, I just made a twittah! (@mellow_minhyuk) and Curious Cat account (https://curiouscat.me/MellowMinhyuk) so hound me there if you want to :)


	3. Passing - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Change is the only constant" 
> 
> After Kihyun and before Minhyuk, Hyungwon grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep your eyes open because you might blink and miss the rare Hyunghyuk interaction in this Hyunghyuk fic.

Time passes as it tends to do as Kihyun and Hyungwon heal. It takes some time but they get back together to their previous bickering as their affection for each other returns from where it was buried down by their fighting. 

The tsunami is gone and they rebuild. The underlying tension that their friendship had before they became boyfriends has dissipated, and their friendship becomes even more intimate than before. Having looked into each other’s most kind and cruel sides, they become even more open with each other. 

Their sexual tension fades away with time and restraint, and so do the scars. Even if it was a tough journey with many a-hearts broken, they come out stronger and so do their hearts.

They eat together in the cafeteria, and Kihyun introduces Hyungwon to some of his friends from the club. Sometimes they eat with them and Hyungwon doesn’t even bother feigning interest when they talk about something among them that doesn’t hold his interest. Kihyun just rolls his eyes at him and taps him on the head fondly. 

During some weekends, Hyungwon often finds himself in Kihyun’s dorm, becoming one with his couch, eating his food but doing his own dishes up to Kihyun’s standards before going out with Kihyun to a place he discovered, with a book in Kihyun’s bag alongside his camera. 

As Hyungwon finds a nook to read in peace, Kihyun clicks pictures and then comes back to show Hyungwon who picks his favorites among them. They come back together with take out and binge watch on Netflix. 

Fighting over what to see, they take turns and among all the anime shows that Hyungwon forces Kihyun into seeing, only Haikyuu manages to hold Kihyun’s interest. Kihyun’s finger flick hit just as hard when Hyungwon says that it must be because it had Hinata, the tiny volleyball playing protagonist. 

On Monday morning, they leave together for college and then they both go their own ways. 

The lunches that aren’t spent with Kihyun are spent with Jackson, Seola, and Exy and other people from the group but it’s these three that he gets the closest with. Those three who had brought him beer and snacks after blackmailing his address out of him when they heard about his breakup and Kihyun moving out. Jackson who had made him laugh with his antics, Seola who had provoked and teased him to fire him up, and Exy who had given him motherly smiles and hugs to calm him. 

Jackson also helps him to get a part-time job in a book cafe as the barista to help him bear the weight of his rent now that he is living alone. Hyungwon gets phone numbers and looks from strangers there but he can’t find it in himself to call or return their looks because he wants to have space that comes with being single which he immensely enjoys. 

As much as the weekends are Kihyun and Hyungwon time, there are just as many weekends that Hyungwon spends alone, head buried in a book, phone lying somewhere far away. Food forgotten because he is lazy.

Two years of college go by, and he declares his minor as Business, and leeches off Kihyun’s detailed and color-coded notes. He finds his place in the House of Bins as they perform more stand-ups and put together more acts. His stand-ups hit sometimes but sometimes they miss, and Hyungwon learns from both. 

He tries to write a novel but it feels cliche and overdone even as he tortures himself over it. He somehow drags himself into writing the prologue and the first chapter but then puts it on hold, and goes back to writing jokes. 

/

Hyungwon, who had been avoiding going to his mother’s new house in the new town with his new but old girlfriend, finally visits them for the holiday. His mother’s girlfriend is distant with a stern demeanor that melts whenever her mother laughs. Even if the spirit of Christmas doesn’t help them become each other’s family, the respect and seeds of affection start growing.

Hyungwon, who is overprotective of his mother, may not grow to love her girlfriend in the way that you are supposed to love your family, but seeing them in love and happy makes Hyungwon content and ready to give it a try. 

/

“Change is the only constant”

As Hyungwon grows, his humor becomes darker and sharper. He steps out of his college bubble and tries out different material to perform during open mics and gets booed or applauded or just confronted with dead silence. 

His comedic style becomes more refined as instead of long-winded stories, he finds himself better with short dark and clever jokes, spoken in staccato with slight pauses. He writes a set-up and thinks of the most unpredictable punchline. 

When he sees something that shouldn’t be joked about, he makes it his life’s mission to joke about it in a way that would make people laugh instead of offending them. When people do laugh, shocked, he finds himself astral projecting to space, in a place untethered by gravity, and for the first time in his life, he finds what passion is. 

/

As the third year starts, going back to their roots, Kihyun drags Hyungwon into making another friend in the form of Changkyun, a first-year with Music Production as his major, and Kihyun’s roommate. 

Changkyun is quiet and has a solemn aura around him in the way that Hyungwon can tell he went through things as a kid and is still probably a closet emo. Kihyun, with his caring nature and easy grins, helps Changkyun open up, and Hyungwon with his overexaggerated cockiness and shocking humor makes Changkyun laugh like a little kid. 

The first time he does that, Hyungwon feels accomplished and shocked because while Changkyun’s serious face and quiet demeanor made him look much older, his laugh betrayed his age. It's so full of joy and absolutely endearing. Hyungwon had never expected such a startling pure smile from Changkyun, but once he does, he goes out of his way to see it again and again. 

“Changkyunnie, have I told you about the time that Kihyun went through his bandana hip-hop phase? No? Well, that’s a travesty. Wait, let me show you some pictures.” 

“Hyungwon!” 

As Kihyun is trying to snatch Hyungwon’s phone from Changkyun’s hands, Hyungwon just wraps his arms around Kihyun capturing him until Changkyun has sufficient time to absorb the awe-inducing sight that is hip-hop Kihyun.

And, then there is that childlike pure smile on Changkyun’s face accompanied with soft giggles, and Kihyun slumps in his arms because he is not the only one who is an absolute sucker for those smiles. 

“I am going to tell Hoseok about this. I can’t believe he still thinks that you are an angel.” Kihyun whispers, defeated. 

“Hush, don’t you dare.” 

After Changkyun, came Hoseok. He is Changkyun’s senior and when Hyungwon witnesses him with Kihyun, and technically Changkyun, he immediately knows that Kihyun has a crush. 

Kihyun much like Hyungwon doesn’t date for a while. When one day he whispers that he doesn’t know how to ask guys out, Hyungwon realizes that what he has is a baby gay on his hands. 

After having his gay awakening Hyungwon was the only guy that Kihyun had been with where Hyungwon practically did all the work, so even if Kihyun was experienced, he actually wasn’t.

Hyungwon tells him that all he has to do is open up and let his guard down, and do what he does best, that is, go with the flow. 

Hyungwon is fifty percent bullshitting to hype Kihyun up so imagine his surprise when it actually works and guys start asking him out. 

Kihyun goes out on dates with a few people but none last. Hyungwon meets some of them by the immediate virtue of leeching off Kihyun for his notes and food and doesn’t feel any twinge, probably because he knows that it isn’t going to last. 

But, it all changes when Hoseok enters their lives. Hoseok looks at Kihyun with stars in his eyes, and when Kihyun goes a little too long on about something like his favorite photographer, he keeps looking at him as if he is decoding the ending of Inception for him. The stars in his eyes becoming even brighter. 

No one is surprised when they get together after dancing around each other for months, and when Kihyun tells him over the phone, voice high with giddiness, that Hoseok finally asked him out, and he said yes, Hyungwon goes all out with his congratulations but when he hangs up the phone, he lets himself feel a little twinge that comes with what ifs but he buries it deep because he knows that Hoseok will love Kihyun as he deserves and, when all is said and done, this is what matters. 

In the beginning, there is a little pain but it all ebbs away when he sees them being all gross and mushy together.

/ 

Among all the changes in his life, Minhyuk stays his constant. Perhaps, because Hyungwon doesn’t date, or his memory muddles things up or, the most probable, retrospection and experience give him more wisdom, but, in his mind, Minhyuk becomes the one that got away. 

So, like the sadist he is, he keeps looking at Minhyuk’s youtube videos. There are many pieces of Minhyuk in there, as Hyungwon finds out. There are a series of funny songs played on Ukulele, some live Q & As, some fake vlogs, some real ones, some sketches featuring Jooheon, but what none of them has is Minhyuk actually opening up which considering how private Minhyuk was doesn’t surprise him.

He watches them all and rewatches his favorite parts. For a while, there aren’t many videos after their break up, but after almost two years, Minhyuk starts posting again. 

His hiatus stops with a freestyle vlog called “I am back!”. Minhyuk has light brown hair parted in the middle with slight artificial waves, and his face looks much sharper, his cheekbones ready to cut. 

“Pretty” that’s all that Hyungwon can think when he sees two years older Minhyuk.

It’s a freestyle vlog and Hyungwon is so glad of it because it finally answers his questions about him not spotting Minhyuk anywhere in the college. Minhyuk apologizes for not posting for a while and then he gives a quick rundown of his life for the past two years. 

“..So, when my drama teacher, this person who had shaped my interest in drama since I was a kid, asked me if I would like to come on the road with her and her crew for a year, I couldn’t resist. So, I decided to take a gap year. Even if it was just a supportive role, I knew that I would learn a lot.

My parents were a little apprehensive but my teacher and I talked to them together. One of the points that she made was that going out on the road would add practical experience to my profile and could help me get into my dream college next year instead of the one I settled for this time, and that’s what happened! Next year I got into my dream college!

I went out on the road, to so many places, with people I grew to respect and then love. I learned so much. I also had so much fun, and there are a lot of stories from that time that I want to share. I carried my camera around so I had a lot of footage to work with, even some sketches with the people in the crew but I got busy with college, and I wanted to learn better editing, so I didn’t post them just half-assed. 

I have edited them now. So, what’s next? 

Well, I have edited the videos, and I am going to post them from next week, once each week. This would be a series of three 30-minute long videos and would take you through Behind the Scenes of a performance group. If you like it, I can post more because I have a lot of footage left.

After that, I am going to post something every week for a while, including some mock vlogs and sketches that I filmed with my crew, and between you and me, I think these are my best till now. 

I also some more songs for the Ukulele series, and I am so excited.

After that, I’ll probably post twice a month, but for from here on out, everything is going to go upwards, so I hope you stick with me. Thank you” 

Hyungwon devours everything that Minhyuk puts out, not only because it’s Minhyuk but also because it’s fun and entertaining. 

Behind the Scenes is interesting as Hyungwon gets to know about many things from brainstorming sessions for script-writing to putting together the final act and everything in between from costume to booking a venue. 

The editing is crisp and sharp with no gaps, and emphasizes the vibe of that situation. Much like the documentaries, the serialized portion is interspersed with interviews with different people, from Minhyuk’s crew members to other random people like the event organizers. 

Most of the interviews go smoothly but there are some interviews where the other people were obviously dragged into it by someone else, probably the play’s director, Minhyuk’s teacher. The patronizing tone makes it clear that they consider it below them to answer a youtube boy but as Minhyuk asks them thoughtful questions, their tone shifts to excitement. 

His second favorite interview is with an old man who is catering for the party after the event, and asks Minhyuk if he was a journalist and on which TV channel can he see himself and his absolute confusion is pure gold when Minhyuk tries to describe the concept of Youtube to him. 

His most favorite interview spot is held by Jooheon who sits there grinning, his dimples showing looking the same as he did two years ago.

“My honey, did you like the show?” 

“I did!” comes Jooheon’s excited scream. 

There is a soft laugh behind the camera. 

“Who is your favorite character?” 

“Dior!” 

“Don’t lie to me! Who is your favorite?” 

“Minhyukkie in a skirt!” 

The laugh is louder now. Hyungwon is smiling too. 

“Oh? What was your favorite part?” 

“When Dior sings about dribbling babies for fun!” 

The interview is short and sweet and leaves Hyungwon thirsty for more because he too wants to see Minhyuk in a skirt but Minhyuk posts everything but their actual play. 

He doesn’t miss how Minhyuk sounds much more cheerful by the end of the third episode, which in real-time must be a year. 

As the three episodes wrap up, Minhyuk releases mock vlogs featuring a younger Minhyuk and his crew and it leaves Hyungwon amused because, true to his words, they are his best yet. He follows this up with newer stuff, and the camera quality is much better and so is the content itself. Hyungwon finds himself loudly exhaling at different moments, his lips twitching into a smile. 

/

In his third year, Hyungwon completes his summer internship as a reviewer for contemporary novels and as much he enjoys doing that, it doesn’t hit him that same way as writing does, whether it’s jokes or a script. His next great American novel stays unwritten but he takes the story and writes it into a screenplay to make himself feel less defeated. 

During his sixth semester, Minhyuk’s ukulele songs become viral and people discover his mock vlogs and Behind the Road series of which he releases more episodes of, and soon he is doing a live Q & A celebrating his 300,000 subscribers. 

He drops the persona and answers the question genuinely. Among many things he talks about his minors: film-making and creative writing. 

Hyungwon finds himself thinking how does Minhyuk even have time to breathe with two minors and one major? When does he film and edit his videos? His questions are answered when Minhyk ends the stream by announcing that he is actually going to be posting irregularly from now on to focus on his studies during which he would release the things that he has already filmed or just some quick and short videos.

Minhyuk posts twice a month but the videos are short. Even though Minhyuk sprinkles in old videos with the new ones, everyone including Hyungwon can tell which one is which. Not only Minhyuk’s hairstyle gives it away but also the quality. 

Minhyuk must have been giving his all to his film-making minor because the quality of editing and camera work immediately shoots up. Hyungwon eagerly awaits those videos, and that’s all he gets until he finally sees Minhyuk.

/

His third year comes to an end, Jackson, and Exy graduate and Jackson throws a party at his house. He invites Hyungwon and Kihyun who in turn invite Changkyun and Hoseok. 

Jackson is going around hyping people up but he doesn’t need to. There’s no one sober. Alcohol is freely flowing and for the discerning connoisseurs amongst them, all the pills have been taken.

They are dancing like hyper zombies on steroids, their limbs going around in all directions. It’s all contagious because soon Hyungwon is dancing as well. The mass hysteria spreads, and as their breaths match, they all become one. 

Hyungwon comes out of the creature writhing as one and tries to look around for Changkyun. He spots the back of his head on the couch but doesn’t go there because he is talking to someone else. His heavy eyes and uncharacteristic enthusiasm lets Hyungwon know that he is tipsy but in his senses and he lets them be. 

As he turns, he spots Kihyun, absolutely drunk out of his mind and horny, as he grinds on Hoseok who holds him by the waist and indulges him, absolutely sober. In his periphery, he thinks he sees Exy who now has blonde hair but as he turns to properly look, his breath hitches because it’s him. 

It’s Minhyuk. 

Even before his brain forms his name, his eyes are already roaming over him, painting his memory in his colors. 

His hair is platinum-blond and straightened now with bangs covering his forehead completely. His glasses are gone and he is wearing a tight black t-shirt with skinny grey jeans. His tan a bit pronounced than before. As Hyungwon’s eyes roam, his brain absentmindedly files the similarities and the differences. 

Similarly to their first time, Minhyuk is standing in a corner against the wall, but, completely opposite to before, his whole posture is open, occupying more space than he needs. His head is tilted upwards, eyes closed, a soft smile on his lips, his right foot tapping to the rhythm thrumming around them. 

With his toned arms and prominent cheekbones, he looks sharp as if he would cut anyone who dared to touch him but his soft smile that lifts his cheeks says otherwise. Beautiful, pretty, handsome, hot and every other adjective runs through his mind and he doesn’t bother to stop at one. 

Someone passes him, collides with him with slightly, and apologizes in a hurry but Hyungwon keeps looking at Minhyuk. The cacophony around them is deafening but Hyungwon’s brain is imaginative enough to imagine Minhyuk’s voice if he said hi. 

Soon the moment is broken, when a man approaches Minhyuk and puts his arms around his waist. The gesture and the person must be familiar because Minhyuk’s eyes stay closed but his smile widens. The guy moves Minhyuk slightly, and then they are slow-dancing together in their little corner. 

Hyungwon’s heart clenches with so many emotions and his head becomes heavy as he confronts his one that got away. The man whispers something in Minhyuk’s ears and Minhyuk finally opens his eyes, his smile stays intact as he nods. Then the guy walks away. 

Minhyuk goes back to his position, not looking anywhere else. He closes his eyes and then opens them again. He looks straight at Hyungwon and like a deer betrayed by a hunter, his eyes widen with shock.

Hyungwon is lost in Minhyuk, he is lost in his eyes and just generally lost because he doesn’t know what to do. What do you say to the guy that you cheated on when you meet him after three years? 

Hi! Nice to meet you. Remember that time when I kissed my best friend in front of you and didn’t stop doing it even when I saw you looking at me? Haha. Good times, am I right? 

When one part of his brain halts, his reflex kicks in, and even before he can stop himself, his stupid hand starts doing a stupid wave. 

Perhaps, MInhyuk’s body is dysfunctioning as well because he waves back, an obvious fake smile on his face. 

Hyungwon is a man unafraid of death, so he takes a confident step, and walks towards Minhyuk, his gait a little awkward. 

The height difference isn’t that much but it’s more than before, Hyungwon realizes, as they find themselves mimicking the same position as three years ago. Minhyuk must have realized it as well because he moves away from the wall and stands sideways making Hyungwon shift as well. 

There are so many words to say, so many apologies left unspoken that he needs to let out but he starts simple. “Hi.”

“Uh..Hello.” Minhyuk looks so awkward as if he doesn’t know what to say, and, honestly, same, but Hyungwon soldiers on because he needs to let this out. 

“Long time no see, huh?” 

Jesus, Hyungwon. Why not just hit him with a ‘You come here often?’. At least, this way you can end your suffering at once. 

“Yup.” 

Minhyuk is not going to make this easy, will he?

Hyungwon thinks, fuck it, and speaks the first line that had come in his mind. “You’re a liar.” 

“Excuse me?” Minhyuk looks so offended and confused, and his ever so expressive face translates them both. Just like seasons ago, Hyungwon is enchanted. 

“You once told me that you wouldn’t get hotter if you removed your glasses and straightened your hair. You are a liar.” 

Minhyuk is shaking his head, eyebrows and nose twitching as if he can’t believe this. Honestly, neither can Hyungwon. He should’ve gone with a classic “You come here often”, Christ. 

“Still a charmer, I see.” Minhyuk says the word ‘charmer’ like he actually means ‘liar’. His tone also suggests that he would rather spit it than say it. 

“I want to apologize.” The time has come. Hyungwon has let three years come in between them, and perhaps, Minhyuk’s wound has clotted and healed over time but Hyungwon’s hasn’t and he needs to do this. 

Minhyuk who didn’t like complicating things in the past still doesn’t because he replies with a simple, “Go on.” 

Hyungwon doesn’t bother organizing his thoughts, he has thought about this moment countless times, rehearsed his monologue anticipating this moment. He wouldn’t let spontaneity ruin his chance at a relationship with Minhyuk. Any relationship with Minhyuk. 

“I am a bad person for what I did to you. I lead you on, I cheated on you, I didn’t apologize. I chickened out of giving you any kind of closure. There’s no good way of putting it. I was selfish. I took your trust for granted.” 

Minhyuk hasn’t walked away yet. His blank expression is still intact but his eyes speak of so much pain, so Hyungwon continues. “I could have told you the truth. I could’ve stopped at any time but instead, I got tangled in myself. I am so so-” 

“Was it me?” Minhyuk whispers. 

Hyungwon can’t stop looking at Minhyuk’s face. There’s so much pain there. Minhyuk must have carried so many questions, so much pain for a long time. Hyungwon’s fingers tremble thinking that his selfishness and cowardice made Minhyuk doubt himself. 

Three years ago, Minhyuk was a ball of energy held back by his anxiety and doubts. Minhyuk who could easily make friends, never put himself out there because he thought he would be too much, that if he spoke as he wants to people would be annoyed. 

To think that Hyungwon played an active part in destroying Minhyuk’s self-esteem further, that his action chipped away at Minhyuk’s happiness as the years went by makes Hyungwon hate himself even more.

Hyungwon who lives his life as if he has the biggest cock in every room he walks in hates his every cell with a burning intensity at the moment. He wants to go back in time and right everything for Minhyuk.

If nothing else, he wants to be annihilated.

But this isn’t about him and he’ll do everything he can to do damage control. “Minhyuk, no. It wasn’t you. It was all me.

In my mind, I somehow managed to convince myself that my actions were justified because I had pined after Kihyun for so long. I thought it made it alright. It didn’t. It really didn’t. I knew it even back then but I..I just couldn’t confront the damage I caused. 

I am sorry for doing what I did, and I am sorry for not apologizing sooner.” 

Minhyuk keeps looking at Hyungwon even as his eyes glisten with a thousand held back tears.

For a second, Hyungwon thinks that Minhyuk isn’t going to say anything but then his lips part, and his face scrunches as he holds back his emotions. “I have thought about this moment a lot. In my mind, I always thought that when this moment would come, I will gracefully forgive you and walk away but now that I see you, and remember what you did, I can’t. I just can’t. You hurt me so much Hyungwon. So much. 

Everything aside, you didn’t even care enough about me as a friend, as a person. Otherwise, you would have talked to me. Given this explanation the next day. But, you didn’t. I, obviously, didn’t matter enough to you. 

If you had said this sooner, I would have hated you for a little while but I had moved on. But, you didn’t even allow me that instead I was left in the dark, alone, wondering if it was me. Hating you, hating myself, hating everyone and everything, that’s what you did to me.” 

“Min-” 

“No, Hyungwon. You have the audacity to stand here and say that it was never about me as if that makes it better. That knowing I had all this heartbreak just because I happened to be in a party where Kihyun was making out with some other girl. That knowing I was just collateral damage to your love story should make me feel better.”

Putting together words seems like a herculean task for Hyungwon’s brain that’s too busy dealing with the avalanche of emotions his heart is feeling. So there he is, a mute spectator to Minhyuk’s earthquake. 

“You’re right when you said that you were a selfish coward. 

For a second, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. I want you to imagine what I went through when I saw you kissing Kihyun. I had just walked in a party where I saw my boyfriend, who I trusted completely and blindly, kissing his friend. It came out of nowhere for me, I trusted you so much.

There were so many things that you could do when you toyed with me because that’s what you did, you toyed with me Hyungwon. You could lessen the blow. You could have stopped me from falling for you.

You made me love you, and then you stomped on my stupid heart, trashed it into pieces, and fucking, took the glue away.”

Hyungwon is drowning in shame and guilt. When Minhyuk says “falling for you” and “You made me love you”, with a last burst of energy, he tries to swim upwards but as Minhyuk goes on, he sinks even further.

“At any time, you could’ve told me about your feelings for Kihyun. Anytime. If anything, I probably would’ve helped you.

But, you know what hurts the most? It’s not you cheating, not you not apologizing. 

Nothing you did hurts as much as you just throwing me away like I had fulfilled my task, and had no use for you now. Like...I wasn’t someone you cared even a little about. Like….we weren’t even friends.” 

He pauses and Hyungwon can tell that he is contemplating if he should say this or not. “Even now I can’t help but doubt if someone genuinely likes me or is just faking it because you were so good at fooling me.” There is so much anguish and helpless in his tone as he says what Hyungwon had always feared. 

Hyungwon is shaking his head fervently, fumbling with words because that’s not true, he cared about Minhyuk so much. He and Kihyun were the only two people he considered his friends, but he is just stumbling, practiced monologue forgotten. 

“Save it. I am sure you have a lot to say but you are three years too late Hyungwon. I wish I could be the bigger person here and forgive you because you probably have changed and feel remorse. But, I don’t know how to do that, Hyungwon. I am not sure a few charming words after three years of silence will cut it. So, I don’t know what to do.”

Hyungwon doesn’t either. He always knew that his actions had consequences but to be faced with the severity of it has left Hyungwon’s heart stuttering in its rhythm and they find themselves at an impasse. 

Minhyuk’s eyes leave his face, and he looks at something behind him. He clenches his eyes, halting his tears, then, in a tone so soft that even satin can’t compete, Minhyuk says the cruelest words that Hyungwon has heard yet. “Let’s wait for another three years, and see. How about that? Goodbye, Hyungwon.” 

Minhyuk walks away. He probably leaves the house but Hyungwon can’t say for sure because he can’t do anything except just stand there and replay everything.

A few moments later there are gentle taps on his shoulder, a deep voice asking him if he’s alright. Hyungwon pushes everything down and turns to face Changkyun. His charade of normalcy is weak, and, unsurprisingly, Changkyun sees right through it. “Did Minhyuk say something to you?” 

Hyungwon latches onto the first thing that would allow him to divert this conversation. “Do you know him?” 

“Uh..yeah, kinda. Indirectly. He’s Jooheon’s best friend.” 

“How do you know Jooheon?” 

“Oh, he is studying music production as well but at a different college. We met at a play. I went there with my friends, and he was there to see Minhyuk.” 

Changkyun, bless his thoughtful soul, soon leaves him alone with a drink in his hand when Hyungwon doesn’t answer his questions. 

Soon Jackson sits in front of him, looking uncharacteristically serious. “Did something happen with Minhyuk?” 

Jesus, was everyone looking at them? In fact, fuck that, does everyone and their mom knows Minhyuk. “How do you know Minhyuk?” 

“Oh, you know Hyunwoo? Well, yeah, of course, you don’t. He is one of my housemates. MInhyuk is his boyfriend.” 

Hyungwon closes his eyes in disbelief. He can’t believe this. He can’t believe that even after three years and in a different city, their life is so tangled. 

Just like all those years ago, they were so close and yet so far. 

Unlike Changkyun, Jackson keeps pestering him, and this time Hyungwon gives in because he is a cat that wants to die because of his curiosity. “Nothing happened. He is just..my ex.” 

“Oh, that explains the tense atmosphere.” 

“Sure. Can I ask you a few questions about him?” 

Jackson, gossiper extraordinaire, nods eagerly like he had been waiting for this moment for centuries. 

“How long have they been dating?” 

“Over a year, I think.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon feels a little relief that Minhyuk is still capable of loving and trusting someone. 

“Is that it? Aren’t you curious? You can ask me more questions, you know!” 

“Uhh...No, I think I am alright.” 

“They have the cutest love story too. Wanna hear it?” 

This is the last thing that Hyungwon wants to hear right now but he can’t deny that he is a little curious.

“Alright. Tell me.” 

“So, they are in the same college. Hyunwoo is a senior though. He is an Economy major while Minhyuk is an experimental theatre major. It’s so wild that they met! 

It’s like fate or something. Hyunwoo is in the dance club, and Minhyuk was putting up a musical play. He approached the dance club asking if anyone could teach him and help him choreograph. 

Hyunwoo says that he accepted this out of the goodness of his heart but Minhyuk says that Hyunwoo just couldn’t resist his cuteness which I agree with. Well, anyway, they danced around each other for a while, literally, and, bam, after a year, they got together.”

“Yeah, sounds cute,” Hyungwon replies, because it is. Most of all though, Minhyuk deserves it and Hyungwon is glad that he found someone.

He takes that and decides to keep going because as much Hyungwon isn’t prone to flight of fancies and fate, he does believe that this isn’t it. He knows this as he knows about his own mortality. There is more to their story, and even when there is no evidence, he feels it in his bones that their next meeting is inevitable. 

The next day, Hyungwon texts Minhyuk “Hey” expecting to be blocked so him getting startled is warranted when the text goes through. He immediately sends another text. “Did you unblock me?” 

He keeps looking at his phone, his body buzzing with anticipation. Half an hour later as there is a ping, hope soars in Hyungwon’s mind which then crashes and dies as he reads the text. “I unblocked you the next day, you just never tried. I am not going to respond after this. Bye.” 

Past Hyungwon made sure that Future Hyungwon doesn’t have any chance and he wants to go back in time just to give a younger Hyungwon a good scolding. 

From then on, begins the tradition of sending an animal gif to Minhyuk once a month, and even if there are no replies miracles of all miracles, he stays unblocked. 

/ 

After Jackson and Exy graduate, Hyungwon and Seola find themselves taking the lead of the club. They become close and soon the tension between them breaks and they hook up. 

Their friends-with-benefits arrangement works great in the sense that their constant push and pull leads to great sex but keeps them distant enough that neither of them delude themselves into thinking that it could evolve into something more.

A few months into their arrangement, as they are lying in bed, still catching their breath, Seola tells him that she met Exy yesterday. Hyungwon asks her how she is doing and instead of answering his question, Seola just keeps looking at the ceiling. 

Hyungwon turns his head to look at her. She is still looking at the ceiling when Hyungwon softly pokes her. “I think I am in love with her” She turns her head towards Hyungwon, gaze intent but confused, looking for answers. 

Looking at her scared and nervous expression, Hyungwon can tell that this is the first time that she has spoken this out loud. Hyungwon gives her a reassuring smile and asks her if she plans on confessing to her. 

She turns her head again and resumes looking at the ceiling, that fierce determination back on her face. “I am going to.” 

Then, she faces Hyungwon again, a deliberate pout on her face. “How do you confess to a girl though? Flowers?” 

This whole scenario reminds Hyungwon of KIhyun’s journey from the fledgling baby gay that flew out of his nest to the raving homosexual that he is today. 

What is it about Hyungwon and attracting baby gays? 

Hyungwon, as he did with Kihyun, gives his advice, sounding wise while in reality, he knows that it’s fifty percent bullshit but, hey, it worked for Kihyun. He tells her that instead of thinking of her as a girl, she should think of her as Exy and confess accordingly. 

Perhaps, Hyungwon should just give up actually putting effort into things because his fifty percent bullshit agenda works again as within a week Seola and Exy get together. Now Hyungwon has two gross couples in his life. Great. 

One day he is hanging out with Jackson who seems to come to his house a lot for someone who lives far away from the campus now. They are watching an old WWE rerun when Jackson’s phone rings, and as he talks, his expression immediately saddens. He gets up and starts putting on his shoes, absent-mindedly he tells that his friend, Hyunwoo broke up with his boyfriend, and he is going to go there with some comfort food.

Hyungwon’s head rings with the recognition of that name and it doesn’t take long for him to connect that name with Minhyuk’s. He thinks of sending a text asking him if he is doing alright but realises it would probably do more harm than good if Minhyuk was consoled about an ex who dumped him by another ex who dumped him. So, he stops and sends a gif of a turtle biting a cat’s toes who is just lying there. 

This time too there is no reply but Hyungwon is still not blocked. 

Small victories.

/ 

As Hoseok and Kihyun get busy with their projects and internships during their last year, they get into a huge fight. They sulk alone and they sulk to Changkyun and Hyungwon. Their fight is so stupid that Hyungwon feels like punching them both in the face, but he holds back and instead lashes out with his words. 

He makes a group with all three of them and leaves a long message. He tells them that they are idiots of the highest degree who are fighting with each other because of not being able to spend time together. Instead of fighting, they can just, you guessed it, spend some time together. The solution is simple and if they could get their head out of their asses, they could see it too. He ends it with an assertive “MOVE IN TOGETHER, YOU ABSOLUTE KNUCKLEHEADS” and exits the group. 

It works like a charm because they move in and their disgusting PDA makes a comeback. 

Changkyun moves in with Hyungwon, and they become closer. Repressed Emo Changkyun and Punk-but-with-tux Hyungwon get on like a house on fire, one time literally when Changkyun’s scented candles get a bit out of hand. 

Scared out of their mind, they end up going to Hoseok and Kihyun’s place where Kihyun bundles them in blanket burritos and gives them the scolding of their life. 

But, overall, Hyungwon loves living with Changkyun, and he especially loves giving only half of the rent. 

Hyungwon puts a pause on his activities with the club and focuses on his last semester. He is acutely aware that he has run out of time, and as his novel stays unfinished resembling a piece of trash, he finds himself uncertain of his future career but he puts it at the back of his mind and decides to deal with it when the time comes. 

One day, Changkyun says that he wants to invite Jooheon, and he looks nervous. As Hyungwon looks at him, he deduces two possibilities behind this, either it’s a date or Jooheon knows that Changkyun is roommates with Hyungwon, and won’t come unless Changkyun kicked him out for the evening. 

While the former can lead to another couple the latter might just result in Jooheon killing Hyungwon, and both scenarios make Hyungwon get far away from the house for the night. 

After a full day of working on his projects, Hyungwon finds himself exhausted enough to not brave the Spanish Inquisition that would come if he went to Kihyun’s place to spend the night so he just goes to Seola’s who invites Exy, and together the three of them watch Howl’s Moving Castle and life is not so bad sometimes. 

/

After graduating, for a year Hyungwon’s life is a complete mess. He gets a job as a writer/editor in an Education Consultancy firm where he edits and rewrites Master’s application essays for idiots so that they can be idiots while doing their Masters. The salary is better than average for a fresher and that’s the only good thing about the job. 

It’s stressful work with long hours, six days a week. All of his other hobbies and staying in contact with friends come to a halt as on Sunday he finds no strength in himself to do anything whatsoever. 

His boss is a condescending man, who keeps piling him with work with short deadlines and his colleagues are just as haggard as him. Together, in their small office with squeaky chairs, they make up for a depressing work environment. 

Hyungwon’s mental and physical health takes a downward turn, and he starts drinking more. It takes Kihyun holding him in his arms, crying while screaming at Hoseok to help him carry to their car, that they need to go to the hospital immediately, to get his shit together. 

In the hospital, as he comes to, he finds out that he had passed out while talking to Kihyun on the phone, he must have been walking around because he hit his head and while there is no bleeding or any damage, it scared the shit out of Kihyun and Hoseok who came flying to his apartment and found him there lying on the floor, barely conscious, clutching his head. He begs him to quit his job and take a break. 

Hyungwon takes a look at his bank account, looks at all the money unspent, and gives his one month notice. 

He takes a break and reconnects with all his friends. He, Jackson, Seola, and Exy go to a stand-up show and then to an arcade afterward, and have the time of their life. 

He stays at Kihyun and Hoseok’s for three days. Kihyun and Hoseok are still going strong, probably even stronger than before. For three days, they fuss over him and feed him, and it feels great. He feels loved and cared for. When Hoseok asks him to join him for exercising, Hyungwon decides that it’s time to go back. 

He meets Changkyun who engulfs him in a hug and rubs his face against him like a kitten, and Hyungwon can’t believe that he once thought of Changkyun as reserved and closed off.

They talk about everything and nothing, and Hyungwon who doesn’t want to pry but can’t help his curiosity finally asks. “How’s your friend Jooheon?” 

“He is good. Great.” Giving him a knowing look, Changkyun continues. “Minhyuk is doing great as well. I hang out with him sometimes. He is really nice. It’s his final semester, so he is a bit busy but he is doing well now.” 

Giving up the charade, Hyungwon finally asks, “How did he take the break up?” 

“It was a mutual break up. He did seem a little...out of it...for a few days but he got himself together. They are still good friends, in fact.”

Must be nice, Hyungwon thinks, a little resentful, to be friends with Minhyuk even after a breakup. 

/

Hyungwon goes to visit his mom and her girlfriend, and together they plan a weekend in the countryside. As his mother teases him about his lack of love life and her girlfriend laughs at them bickering, Hyungwon feels revitalized and ready to give adulting another try.

/

As he comes back, he sits down with a notebook ready to flowchart his way out of the mess that is his life. He doesn’t know what to do with his future so he starts with the basics. He thinks of what he likes and what he enjoyed doing over the past years. 

He liked writing scripts for comedy acts, he liked writing jokes, he liked getting up on the stage and performing. He liked the applause that came after a good act, he liked the shocked laugh that he managed to squeeze out of his audience. 

He just liked making people laugh. 

He starts writing jokes and scripts again. Even though he has money to get by for another month, he takes the job of an accountant. 

The timing allows him to get off early compared to before, and he gets the Saturdays off as well. He takes this time to go to open mics and perform. 

He finally decides to take advantage of being in a city known for its entertainment industry and starts applying for a job as a writer in sitcoms, comedy shows, or the curse of television, also known as the late-night talk shows. 

Getting rejected is a little disheartening but now that Hyungwon has a direction, he doesn’t let himself go like the last time. 

It’s a month later, and over a year has passed since he graduated when he gets called in for an interview as a junior writer at a late-night talk show. While there, he tells the interviewers about his own experience with stand-up, and, perhaps, hoping to catch him in a lie, they ask him to perform for them. 

After a string of rejections, Hyungwon was feeling jaded and tired, so he casually shrugs, and performs his stand-up, unmindful of censoring himself. 

“.....I know, you people are busy so I’ll just end it here with this last story. It’s a bit personal. 

As a child, everyone always told me how much I resembled my father, so my world came crashing down when he told me that he wasn’t my biological father.

He wanted to say something to me, but I just walked out.

Like hell, I was going to talk to a virgin.”

When he finishes his set, one of the interviewers looks mildly alarmed, while the others give him an acknowledging nod and amused smiles, and Hyungwon thinks small victories.

Shock is an understatement when he gets the job. 

/

On his first day, he sends Minhyuk a GIF of a cat lying on a dog. 

As he arrives, he is briefed about many things by the executive producer, a middle-aged woman with a hoodie, a coffee in her hands looking absolutely done with the world. 

Hyungwon, who is happy to get an opportunity where he could write what he loves, couldn’t care less about understanding the wondrous world of late-night talk shows. 

He is listening placidly when the executive producer starts talking about why hiring youngblood is important, how they were hoping to catch the interest of younger people through YouTube, how they even hired a YouTube guy with a decent following to help them adapt. “We hired him right out of college but he is really passionate and skilled. I scouted him. I think you both would make a great team.” 

Hyungwon’s interest is caught because he only knows one guy who lives in the same city that fits the criteria, and admittedly there must be many but the way their life seems to be so entangled with each other, it couldn’t be someone else. It has to be Minhyuk. 

He looks at his arms and isn’t surprised to see his hair standing on end.

She tells him to wait there. “I’ll send the other guy, get acquainted with each other, you’ll be working together.” 

Minhyuk comes in, knocking on the open door, a polite smile on his face which fades away when Hyungwon turns in his seat to face him. 

As Minhyuk is trying to find the words to speak and clearly failing, Hyungwon sits there, painting a serene picture but on the inside his heart his hammering with the possibilities. He drinks Minhyuk in who looks so much like the younger Minhyuk but even more beautiful. His hair is dark brown and slightly wavy with bangs covering his forehead but unlike the younger Minhyuk that he dated, the waves are tamer and look carefully styled, he is wearing round glasses with thin silver frames, his slim frame clad in a fluffy forest green sweater and black slacks. 

The first words, or word in this case, that Minhyuk says to Hyungwon after two years go like this: “No.”

There’s absolute disbelief on his face.

Hyungwon can’t help but be amused, he doesn’t even bother hiding it.

“Yes. 1 year and 3 days.” 

“What?” 

“Almost two years ago, you said to ask you for forgiveness in three years. You said that on 12th July. Today is the 9th of July. I have a year and 3 days but you are going to forgive me before that.” 

Minhyuk’s disbelief deepens but his eyes sparkle with stubbornness. “Not going to happen but good luck with that.” 

Admittedly, for forgiveness, it’s an aggressive approach but it’s a sequel, a fresh start, and this time around Hyungwon is planning to get it right. 

Minhyuk’s gaze is cold but Hyungwon’s grin is shark-like when he says, “Thanks, I’ll need it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! The next chapter will actually focus on Minhyuk and Hyungwon. A miracle, right? 
> 
> If you spot any typos or just want to share your thoughts, let me know! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, I just made a twittah! (@mellow_minhyuk) and Curious Cat account (https://curiouscat.me/MellowMinhyuk) so hound me there if you want to :)


	4. Clashing - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes three days for their relationship to reach its first turning point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is very slow-paced. Sorry! Expect the next part either within the next two days and if not then in the first week of December.

Contrary to the executive producer’s wishes, Minhyuk leaves the room, preferring not to be acquainted, which Hyungwon thinks is a pity but doesn’t push. There is no need to. The universe seems to have done all the pushing for him and now all he has to do is be charming and preferably not break Minhyuk’s trust this time around. 

It could be done. He had faith in himself, there were many people in his life and he had managed not to cheat on any of them, so he was already at a good start. 

Minhyuk comes back a minute later and tells Hyungwon that they have to go to the writer’s room. His tone is sulkier than cold, and Hyungwon almost cooes at his soft pout but he actually doesn’t because, in his mind, he has no doubt that Minhyuk is barely holding onto his urge to scream at Hyungwon. He is also acutely aware of the cold shoulder he is going to get once Minhyuk’s shock wears off. 

Amidst his admiration for Minhyuk’s shoulders, as he follows him, Hyungwon walks into the writer’s room. It’s a spacious room with a long table in the center surrounded by chairs. The clutter on the table varies with the person sitting on it. On one hand, there’s a woman with just a laptop in front of her while on the other hand there’s a guy staring into some documents in front of him, a huge packet of Cheetos in his hands. 

As Hyungwon strolls towards the table, he witnesses the Cheeto guy jamming his fingers into his mouth probably to suck the Cheetos dust off his fingers, and promises to himself to avoid shaking his hand. As riveting as that sight is, Hyungwon lets his eyes wander to the two office cabins attached to the room, one vacant with its door open, and the other locked. 

The Cheeto guy, who introduces himself as Mark, is the first to greet them. He, fortunately, forgoes shaking Hyungwon’s hand in lieu of offering him his snacks which Hyungwon gracefully declines because he hasn’t lost his marbles just yet. The others soon follow him, and Hyungwon gives his most polite smile to manipulate everyone into thinking that he would be a treat to work with. 

Excluding Minhyuk and Hyungwon there are three other people in the room. Their dark circles and big coffee cups make him feel right at home but as he looks at Minhyuk sitting beside Mark smiling his sunshine smile, he concludes that MInhyuk probably hasn’t worked here long enough to get his soul sucked out of him like the others. 

Mark says something and then taps Minhyuk’s forehead with his finger, and the laugh that spills out of Minhyuk is so gleeful and giggly that Hyungwon almost wants to reach out to his phone, record it, and make it his ringtone. Considering that he saw where those fingers were a minute ago, he also wants to put Minhyuk’s forehead under a running tap.

“...so. This is our team. I am Jaebum and that’s Mark, Eunseo and Our head writer, Souyou, is on vacation for another..uh...I think 3 days so until then, we’ll try to take care of you.”  Jaebum says.

Hyungwon looks at the stupid pun on his sweatshirt, and thinks, no thanks.

“Pick a chair. I am going to brief you.”

Now, as much as Hyungwon wants to sit beside Minhyuk, he also wants to live, so he moves towards the chair farthest from him when Jaebum asks him to sit beside Minhyuk.

Hyungwon shuffles towards Minhyuk and feels his cold gaze on him. He begins to doubt the universe. Maybe the universe wasn’t being benevolent, maybe the universe just wanted to get him killed. He mentally notes down to not walk in front of Minhyuk while going down the stairs. 

“So, uh, I don’t know how much you already know so I am going to tell you everything. Basically, the ratings have been going down and we are getting ready to revamp the show. You and Minhyuk came to us during a transition time so there are a lot of things that are going to be all over the place. We are going to experiment a lot before settling on a new format.” 

Jaebum’s eyes move away from Hyungwon and he smiles at Minhyuk, and Hyungwon realizes that Minhyuk has already charmed everyone. 

“Minhyuk has been working with us for over a week now, and he has already contributed a lot of great ideas.” Minhyuk rubs his head sheepishly. “You both are going to be working with all of us for the TV show but it would be an aside task. If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. Personally, I would recommend it because it would add more weight to your resume when you move on,” his eyes hone in on Hyungwon as he takes a pause here.

“But, as the official youngblood here, your main task is to generate content for the internet targeted towards young adults, YouTube or anything else. For that, you would be working with Souyou.” His tired eyes speak of his burden of a de facto leader. “Until Souyou comes in, both of you should brainstorm some ideas and refine them, and then you can run them through her. After that, she’ll guide you. Any questions?” 

Hyungwon and Minhyuk shake their heads like little children. Jaebom takes a key out of his pocket and tosses it to Hyungwon who catches more out of reflex than anything. 

“Since you guys will be working on different things from us, we thought it would be better for you to have a separate space. It’s an empty storage room. It’s a bit small but it’s not that bad considering that you won’t have to bear with their chattering.” Jaebum doesn’t hold back on his scowl as he points at Mark and Eunseo who, probably immune by now, smile sweetly at him. “Minhyuk has a key, that is yours. We are going to finish some things that we already wrote, but when we start working on something new, we’ll call you up and you can come in if you want to. Minhyuk will lead you to the room.” He gets up from his chair and shakes Hyungwon’s hands, his grip confident. “Again, welcome to our show, Hyungwon.” 

Hyungwon is left to Minhyuk’s mercy who picks up his backpack from under the table, bids everyone goodbye and starts walking out. Hyungwon follows him, his laptop bag hanging from his one shoulder, his stride cautiously casual to make sure that he stays at least a step behind Minhyuk. 

They get in the elevator and it’s so awkward. Minhyuk who had been going through so many emotions when he had first seen Hyungwon seems to have gotten his shit together, and he is the ice prince now. 

They reach the basement and like every basement ever even though, technically, it’s a part of the structure, yet somehow it feels hidden and isolated. An unobtrusive murky smell invades his nose that for the life of him he can’t put a name on. Minhyuk unlocks the room tucked in the farthest nook and Hyungwon follows him in. 

If the location hadn’t indicated the makeshift nature of the room, then the furniture certainly does. There are two plastic chairs in the room, a flimsy portable table and two stands with some files on them. He spots the minifridge in the corner, and thinks, ahh luxury. 

The inspection takes a maximum of two seconds. Jaebum wasn’t exaggerating when he had called the room “small”. As Hyungwon sits on the chair opposite to Minhyuk’s and their feet touch because of the lack of space, Hyungwon thinks perhaps “room” was an exaggeration in itself. 

They settle down. Minhyuk takes out a notebook and a pen from his backpack and starts writing something. Hyungwon can’t tell if he is actually writing something, he could be doodling Hyungwon and then stabbing that said doodle for all Hyungwon knew. 

Minhyuk’s scratching is the only sound there, so Hyungwon finally decides to break the silence. “So, What ideas do you have?” 

The polite ice prince doesn’t deem peasant Hyungwon worthy, so his scratching doesn’t stop even when he replies. “Just note down your own, and we’ll go through them when Souyou is here.” 

“That’s not what Jaebum said though. He asked us to work together.” 

There comes a sigh from Minhyuk that Hyungwon wants to echo. “We aren’t working with Jaebum. We are working with Soyou who comes back in three days until then we don’t need to work ‘together’”

Alright. If Minhyuk is an ice prince then Hyungwon is a polar bear hibernating. He is going to wait this out. “Uh-huh. Okay, let’s wait for three days then.” 

He relaxes into his chair, spread his legs wider unintentionally trapping Minhyuk’s feet between his, puts his head on the table and gets ready to take a nap. Five minutes pass and Hyungwon is already floating to dreamland when Minhyuk asks, “What are you...doing?” 

Hyungwon opens his eyes and is greeted by Minhyuk’s baffled expression. He turns a little and snuggles into his folded arms further. “Taking a nap.” 

Minhyuk’s upper lip juts out, and he is doing that unconscious confused pout thing again. Already a little sleepy, Hyungwon thinks, How do people resist this? His sluggish brain further decides that someday he is going to eat Minhyuk up and that would be his origin story as a serial killer. 

“Aren’t you going to work? You just got here.” 

The urge to give Minhyuk a snack and pet his head is there but Hyungwon restrains himself and shrugs instead. “I have some ideas and considering that you don’t want to discuss them, there’s nothing else to be done. I think I am going to nap here for the next two days. Do you think I can get a blanket here?”

Minhyuk shakes his head in disbelief. When Hyungwon thinks that he is going to give in, Minhyuk just tells him that he can’t get a blanket here and he probably should just get one from home, the sarcasm in his voice unmissable.

He smirks at Minhyuk who doesn’t indulge him further and starts writing again. 

Well, no harm done, at least he gets to nap. 

***

Hyungwon comes out of sleep with a familiar voice calling his name and something tapping his foot. He tries to open his eyes but he is too deep in sleep, so he blinks and then opens one eye trying to find the source of the disturbance.

He spots Minhyuk who stops repeating his name once Hyungwon meets his eye. The expression on his face is of a person looking at a GIF of a kitten yawning. Even sleepy Hyungwon can tell that the ice prince is melting a little. 

He is absolutely aware of the power his just woken up face holds, so cashing in on the opportunity, he clenches his hand in a fist and rubs it on his eyes gently. “Hmmm. Minhyuk, don’t wanna get up.”

Ice’s prince core is an old glacier because instead of cooing at Hyungwon like everyone does or pinching his cheeks like he used to do, he narrows his eyes. “Jaebum called, he asked us to join everyone for lunch and then we can stay there to work with them.” 

“Hmmm. What time is it?” 

“2 o’clock. You  _ napped  _ for almost four hours.” Minhyuk places special emphasis on “napped”, and a lesser man would’ve been ashamed or surprised but he knows what he is capable of and is almost disappointed to have been napping for only four hours. 

He gets up, stretches his arms, his back in an arch while Minhyuk puts his notebook in his backpack, and then they are in the elevator again. 

The scene in the writer’s room is of Eunseo gesticulating wildly while Mark is shaking his head and Jaebum is stuffing his face surrounded by open lunch-boxes. One step into the room and Minhyuk’s smile finally returns. 

Upon seeing them, they stop their discussion and give them welcoming smiles. Minhyuk takes the vacant seat beside Mark who pushes his own lunchbox in front of Minhyuk but Minhyuk shakes his head and delves into his backpack and takes out his own lunchbox. He opens it with an overdramatic ta-da, and upon seeing the content of his box, Mark and Eunseo clap their hands in glee.

Hyungwon, who had come to the office empty-handed except his laptop, takes a seat beside Jaebum who finally stops stuffing his face and offers Hyungwon his food but Hyungwon refuses. “I think I will just go to the cafeteria and get something from there.” 

Even before he finishes his statement everyone except Minhyuk groans. “No, you don’t. The food is so bad here that I would rather prefer to go eat from a bad restaurant’s dumpster.” Eunseo’s statement while tad dramatic sounds true when he looks at the sour expressions on everyone’s face. 

“Alright, any dumpsters you can recommend? I am quite hungry.” He always felt hungry after a good nap. 

“You can share ours. From tomorrow, remember to bring a lunch or just order something before.” 

Hyungwon isn’t going to deny free food, now is he? So, he doesn’t and digs in. 

“Hey, try Minhyuk’s fried rice, it’s really yummy.” Mark pushes Minhyuk’s lunch box towards him. Hyungwon considers and surmises that Minhyuk hadn’t known that the person he would be encountering today would be Hyungwon, so there’s a 90% probability that the food isn’t poisoned. 

He tentatively eats a spoonful of it, and immediately looks at Minhyuk in surprise. The rice has a spicy flavor and crunchy texture with a sweet tang to it. The veges melt into his mouth, the balance perfect. Hyungwon can’t believe that the boy who had once put too much water into his noodles has made this. He almost wants to cry at the thought of not being able to taste this again if Minhyuk decided to not forgive him. 

“This is so delicious, Minhyuk.” 

Minhyuk is looking at Hyungwon, taking his surprised expression in, and there is a self-satisfied smirk on his face. “Thanks.” 

Mark looks at them suspiciously but doesn’t say anything probably waiting for Minhyuk to be alone. “Now, now, I know it’s delicious but stop hoarding. You need to share it with the class, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon looks at all other dishes that are filled with too many healthy vegetables that he hates and was forced to eat because he was hungry. How many bites can he get away with if he forgoes menial human tasks such as chewing and swallowing?

“It’s okay, you can have it, Hyungwon-” Minhyuk is his savior, his hero and he can’t believe that he is taking the first step and extending an olive branch. “-I brought another for you, Mark. Since you liked it so much the last time.” Minhyuk takes out another small container from his bag and Hyungwon feels ready to throw a tantrum.

Mark clutches his heart dramatically. “A man after my own heart.” Seriously? That’s the best you can do? Cheeto boy seriously needs to calm down with the flirting, Hyungwon is a paragon of professionalism, and he doesn’t feel comfortable with how Minhyuk just brought an extra lunch box for Cheeto boy. Hyungwon rubs his eyes, still a little sleepy from his nap, seriously, is he the only one here who is a professional here? 

“What about me?” Eunseo asks teasingly. And, yeah, that’s right, demand your rights, Eunseo, you deserve it. 

“Ahh, I thought you were on a diet since you mentioned it, so I,” he delves into his backpack again, “brought you salad.” 

Mark groans while Eunseo has a wide grin on her face, her eyes wide with mirth and surprise. 

“Why Minhyuk, why? I thought we had something! The betrayal! The heartbreak!” Mark announces and Hyungwon feels satisfied with the knowledge that Minhyuk is just cooking his way into making people his friends rather than something else, and tucks into his food relatively stress-free. 

“But, we do have something special, Mark. Since I also bought you this.” Minhyuk puts his hand into his bag once more - how much stuff is he carrying in that little backpack? - and takes out a packet of…..Cheetos. Great! Amazing! 

Mark looks at Minhyuk as if he bought him the moon and then sold the moon at a greater profit to buy him a fucktonne of Cheetos. 

Instead of happily, Hyungwon eats his food angrily now. 

“Did you get me something too?” comes Jaebum’s voice from his side who until now had been witnessing their shenanigans just like Hyungwon. 

“Of course!” Minhyuk again puts his hand in his bag, and honestly, this is getting ridiculous now. Mercifully, he just takes out a business card from it. He hands it to Jaebum who takes it apprehensively. Instead of putting on the glasses that were lying beside him, Jaebum brings it ridiculously close to his eyes to read it. 

“The last time you ordered a pizza, it tasted like a dead carcass, so I thought you could use a new place which doesn’t get its ingredients from a morgue.” There is a cheeky expression on Minhyuk’s face, his lips twitching with mischief. 

Hyungwon can’t believe he just said that to his sort of boss. This kind of shit is right up Hyungwon’s alley, he is all about dissing his seniors in front of their face but Minhyuk isn’t. With some time and familiarity, sure he is the cheekiest shit out there but considering the little time he had spent here and the filters he must have put as it’s his workplace, it doesn’t seem right. 

It all makes sense when Jaebum gets up from his seat, and puts Minhyuk in a chokehold. “You little punk, you come here to my place and roast me!” Then, he is grinding his fist on Minhyuk’s head with his other hand while Minhyuk is cackling. 

Hyungwon interrupts everyone’s laughter with the revelation he has. “You guys know each other?” Even though he is completely sure, his tone frames it as a question that Jaebum answers. 

“Yeah, a few years ago we went around on the road performing. He was fresh out of school and a stick in the mud when he joined our crew. I thought he was the shyest and most adorable kid on the face of the earth, but then he showed his true colors!” The grinding of his fist intensifies. “He must have been shy with you. Don’t buy it. As you just saw, he is a disrespectful little punk.” Hyungwon thinks back on all the videos he saw many times. Was Jaebum in them? 

Jaebum finally releases Minhyuk who immediately turns and hi-fives Mark and Eunseo, and then the three of them spend the rest of their lunch whispering and giggling amongst them. 

Their lunch session ends just like that and then they are clearing up the table, setting their laptops and notebooks in front of them to begin their brainstorming session. 

Jaebum is tinkering with his laptop when he says, “Right now, we would be working on the tone of Brian’s monologue. We need to freshen it up, restructure it, whatever it takes to make it capture the people’s interest.” He looks up from his screen, fingers still tapping on the touchpad. “Hyungwon please don’t hesitate to contribute. As you’ll listen to Mark and Eunseo, you’ll find out that no idea is a bad idea. In the world of the late-night talk shows, no idea is dumb if it gets you ratings.” 

Hyungwon who despises late-night TV talk shows with a burning passion thinks, you don’t have to tell me that. 

“So, I was thinking we should make it more political. Up until now, we haven’t made any sketch or comment veering into that territory. I think we can get away with making a few funny political comments in the monologue.” Mark says to get the ball rolling. 

Jaebum looks straight at Minhyuk. “What do you think, Minhyuk?” 

“I...uh...I think that has great potential to make the show less impersonal?” Minhyuk is hesitant but as Jaebum gives him an encouraging nod, he begins again, “Political is personal and vice-versa. If we go this route we’ll be targeting a specific group of people, and we would be able to gain an audience that would look forward to this show every Thursday night but on the flip side, we might lose an audience who looked at this show as escapism from the whirlwind of politics.” 

“So, weighing the trade-off, if you had to pick one side, what would you go with?” 

“I think we should take that leap, and go for some political jokes.” 

“I disagree.” Hyungwon who didn’t want to bother himself with the TV side of things, surprises even himself with his loud proclamation. 

Everyone is looking at him with curiosity, ready to suss out the writing chops of the new guy, and Hyungwon would rather be dangled over a boiling pot than be proven to be too dumb a writer for a late-night TV talk show, so he decides to elaborate. 

“Everyone and their dogs are wading into politics during their talk shows. Rarely has politics pervaded our life to an extent that everyone has a strong opinion on it as it has now. As a result, you get media that is oversaturated with political commentary and satire. You aren’t going to stand out here and neither are you going to create something that would stand the test of time.” 

Hyungwon twirls a pen with his fingers while saying this, his voice is casual as if he couldn’t care less which he doesn’t but it always feels good to let the other people know that as well. 

In contrast to that, Minhyuk’s voice brims with passion as he retorts. “We aren’t here to create a magnum opus that needs to stand the test of time, we are here to create something that would turn around the ratings right now.” 

Minhyuk is looking at Hyungwon with a challenge in his eyes, so Hyungwon looks back at him passively, accepting the challenge. “Even with that, what does your political commentary and satire has that the other thousand shows don’t?” 

“That’s the challenge though. To create something that’s political to an extent that it’s personal but yet it’s neutral. Instead of hitting on one individual on one side, we are going to target every individual: left, right and centre, every political leaning is on the table. We aren’t going to be petty and mock someone’s hair, we are going to be wittier. We wouldn’t go dig into their tweets, we are going to take a dig into their incompetence. We are going to look for a story that isn’t oversaturated and make it satirical.” 

“That sounds great, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon begins, his sarcasm so evident that even Mark and Eunseo wince, “but you just contradicted yourself. If you are going to make fun of everyone then you won’t get an audience from any demographic because you’ve managed to offend everyone.” 

“People are capable of being objective and recognizing follies even in the side that they support.” Minhyuk’s eyes are full of passion, and his words come out faster as they tend to do when Minhyuk lets his passion cloud his rationality. 

“You’re giving too much credit to people. For one person capable of taking a hit on their political ideologies for the sake of expression and discussion, there are a hundred people out there ready to tear you down to prove their political ideologies superior.” Hyungwon feels like he is telling a child that Santa Claus isn’t real but Minhyuk needs to know this or else he would be the one that everyone will tear down. 

“That’s quite a cynical lens to observe humanity through,” Minhyuk says but there is defeat in his eyes, and he speaks as if he would rather whisper it. He is looking at Hyungwon like there are so many things that he wants to add and the only thing stopping him are the other people present. 

“No, it’s a realistic lens to observe humanity through.” Hyungwon’s voice is as quiet as Minhyuk’s and he doesn’t dare break eye-contact with him and lose the unspoken words floating in the air between them. 

He doesn’t know what Minhyuk is thinking while looking so intensely at him but Hyungwon is thinking of all the late-nights spent discussing such ideas, of Minhyuk battling Hyungwon’s misanthropy with his optimism while snuggling into his arms. 

Minhyuk startles as Jaebum clears his throat, and everything is lost. “Damn, this generation. Quite brilliant. I am so glad that we brought such critical and articulate minds here. That was an interesting discussion and I can see both of your sides but this time,” he looks at Minhyuk and gives an assuring smile, “I’ll have to go with Hyungwon here. We can’t get involved with politics on TV, no matter how wittily we do it. The audience, no matter how few in numbers, that we have is with us because they don’t want politics, they just want something digestible and comfortable before they go to bed. Even though we are looking for a change, we can’t change so radically.” 

Minhyuk’s smile is understanding as he retreats and says, “You’re right.”

“Yeah, I understand as well but Minhyuk, your idea is quite interesting. I think you should work your ideas to generate content for the internet side of things. People will spread the videos that appease their political ideas and criticize the ones that don't either way, you’ll get engagement and that’s what matters right now,” Mark says. In response, Minhyuk smiles shyly at Mark. 

What the fuck?

Hyungwon is offended on Minhyuk’s behalf because Minhyuk is no damsel in distress that needs Mark’s rescuing. He is smart and, unlike Hyungwon, capable of taking criticism to get better. He doesn’t need Mark to tell him what to do with his ideas. Considering that it’s Hyungwon’s first day in the office, he doesn’t voice this out but instead puts Cheeto boy on his shit list.

Soon, they get to work, bouncing ideas off each other. Minhyuk retreats and just adds to other people’s suggestions instead of giving his own. Hyungwon gives his ideas which makes them titter but are deemed too “controversial” for late-night TV, and after that Hyungwon too just adds to their ideas rather than censor his own. 

Because originality and creativity is something that their audience wouldn’t recognize even if it came and gave them a lap dance, they finally settle on looking for the viral and most absurd things on the internet that week and comment on that. 

They go on the internet and pick stories after that Jaebum gives Minhyuk and Hyungwon the choice to pick two each and work on them. It seems more like a teacher giving his students homework but nonetheless, they work on it, Minhyuk with the passion of thousand pesky pigeons and Hyungwon with the lethargy of a sloth. 

Minhyuk gives his script first and then sits there looking at the three senior writers like a kindergartner eager for his good boy stickers while Hyungwon writes ridiculous things which make them laugh but don’t go into the script. After a while, his desire to go back home wins over his stubbornness and he sanitizes his jokes. It takes them the whole day but they finally manage to settle on jokes for each story. 

Their workday ends while everyone is packing their bags, Hyungwon stands there with his hands in his pocket, his laptop bag hanging from his one shoulder like before. 

“Alright, tomorrow we’ll choose which stories and jokes to include,” Jaebum says while moving towards the door, he stops suddenly and turns to look at Hyungwon up and down like a particularly tasty sacrifice, “You haven’t met Brian, have you?”

Hyungwon shakes his head and the three senior writers look at each other, eyes shining with glee. 

“He is the host, as you might know.” Hyungwon did know because he had done his fair share of research. “He might sit down with us tomorrow to pick stuff for his monologue. You’re going to love him.” Mark says the last statement as if he means the complete opposite of it. Hyungwon looks at MInhyuk hoping to get some clues but the boy looks just as confused as him. 

“Have you worked with him, Minhyuk?” Hyungwon asks Minhyuk directly who as polite as ever in front of everyone can’t pout his way into not answering him. “No, I haven’t worked with him but he was there for my interview. He was really nice to me.” 

Mark laughs harder than he did the whole day. “Of course, he was nice to you, Minhyuk.”

Hyungwon doesn’t like how Mark and Eunseo are looking at each other as if sharing an unbelievably offensive but quite funny joke about one of them. He especially doesn’t like how the joke is probably about him. 

Minhyuk must be thinking along the same lines. “What is that supposed to mean?” Sensing his annoyed tone, Eunseo comes to the rescue. “It’s nothing bad. It’s just…” She looks at Jaebum who just shakes his head in exasperation, “We’ll brief you tomorrow before he comes in, just some points on...how to work with him.” 

Minhyuk looks dissatisfied with the answer but doesn’t ask further while Hyungwon doesn’t care enough about it to stay behind past his work time. 

Everyone exits the elevator on the ground floor and the other three head towards the parking spot for their cars while Hyungwon and Minhyuk head towards the bus stop. They walk together side by side, their silence almost tangible. 

They take the same bus, and he sees Minhyuk hesitating, he probably wants to wait for another Hyungwon-free bus, but he does get in. He sits first and Minhyuk goes out of his way to choose the farthest seat from him. Hyungwon’s ears are ringing with Fleetwood Mac when he notices Minhyuk getting off, three stops before his own.

***

At home, Hyungwon looks at the bookmark in his unfinished book but finds himself too restless and exhausted at the same time to read, so instead he plugs in the charger for his laptop, and opens Netflix. Around 10, he heats the food that he had made yesterday and thinks about Minhyuk’s cooking. 

As he is eating, his eyes glued to the screen, his phone lights up with a text from Kihyun asking about his day. After eating and doing his dishes, a habit now instilled in him, he replies back saying that it was interesting and the people seemed like they knew what they are doing. He thinks about telling Kihyun about Minhyuk but decides that it’s too much for a text, and the name that had remained unspoken between them still remains unmentioned.

***

The next day, he enters the writer’s room and is greeted by everyone except Minhyuk who is absent. Jaebum tells him that they’ll follow tomorrow’s schedule and Minhyuk is waiting for him in the basement. 

Hyungwon goes to the basement where Minhyuk is sitting on his deflated throne, looking a lot more casual than yesterday in his oversized grey hoodie, blue jeans, and a white Adidas cap. There’s a polite hello to Hyungwon’s own ‘Hey”, and then he goes back to doing whatever he was doing on his laptop. Hyungwon takes out a blanket, which following Minhyuk’s advice he had shoved into his backpack at home, and spreads it over himself, ready for a good nap. 

“Are you serious right now?” Hyungwon feels too lazy to lift his head to look at Minhyuk but considering that he brought a blanket just to throw it in Minhyuk’s face in the first place, it seems too good of an opportunity to pass, so he gives in. 

As he looks at Minhyuk’s parted lips, twitching eyebrows and an expression of complete disbelief, he feels as satisfied as a thief after a successful con. “Well, you did say yesterday to bring my own.”

Minhyuk had always been the kind of person who you could challenge into doing stuff for you if you teased him enough, but this adult Minhyuk is much more patient and less prone to Hyungwon’s manipulation, so all he does is scoff before going back to work. 

Hyungwon feels a bit disappointed but he reminds himself it’s only the second day, and he had a lot of time to annoy Minhyuk into forgiving him. He snuggles right back in, and it doesn’t take him more than a minute to go right back to sleep, a subtle smile on his face. 

***

Like the previous day, Minhyuk wakes him up in time for lunch, and then they go to the writer’s room, there are no extra lunches today from Minhyuk, so Hyungwon eats his own sandwich, still a bit sulky from just waking up. After that, they draft the jokes into a coherent script and work on researching their guests for the week. 

As they are packing their stuff to call it a day, Jaebum comes in and informs them that Brian would come in tomorrow after lunch and he’ll have to stay a bit late to tie things up and email the script to Brian. His frown and too polite tone tells Hyungwon that it wasn’t a mutual decision. 

Minhyuk again takes the farthest seat from Hyungwon on the bus and doesn’t even spare a glance while leaving. 

***

“Hyungwon. HYUNGWON! Wake the fuck up, you still sleep like a dead man, fucking Christ! CHAE HYUNGWON!”

As much as Hyungwon loves Minhyuk’s voice and wishes that the boy would talk to him, he would have preferred it to be at a normal decibel. He tries to find the source of that shouting without opening his eyes, his palm meets Minhyuk’s lips, and he contents himself with the now muffled shout of his name. 

Hyungwon’s palm is on Minhyuk’s delicate lips until he has to snatch his hand away because like the rabid pup he is, MInhyuk bites his hand. 

Hard. 

Minhyuk must have gotten pets like he wanted because Hyungwon can tell that this is a person experienced with bites. While the pain starts subsiding within a few seconds, the mark of Minhyuk’s teeth remains. Hyungwon shakes his hand as if that would help in getting rid of the pain. The barely repressed smile on Minhyuk’s face reminds him of his mother’s new puppy who smiles innocently at him after peeing in his shoes. 

“I know I am a sexy sexy man but please refrain from biting me when I am asleep.” 

Kihyun had once told Hyungwon that his shithead ways would get him murdered one day. This prophecy seems to be ringing true when he observes Minhyuk’s smile drop and eyes narrow in anger. Minhyuk gets up from his chair and folds his arms. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have just let everyone catch you sleeping.” 

As much as Hyungwon wants to continue being a shithead, he does want to keep his job, so he asks the relevant question first. “Is it time to go up?” 

“Yes it is, but his highness can keep on sleeping if he wants to. Maybe they’ll take pity on me and let you go. Then you can sleep as much as you want. At home. As far away from me as possible.” 

This is the longest that Minhyuk has directly spoken to him regarding something unrelated to work, and Hyungwon can’t hide his smile. 

“What? What is so funny here?” Minhyuk looks so annoyed but Hyungwon can’t help but grin even wider.

“Nah, you lying.”

“I beg your pardon?” 

“Alright, pardoned then.” 

“Oh my god, talking to you is literally taking years off my life. What am I lying about?” 

“You don’t want to get me fired. You lying.” 

Minhyuk sniffs, his nose upturned, looking for a way to refute this egregious claim that Hyungwon just made. “Keep this up, and this might just become the truth.” 

Hyungwon knows what Minhyuk means but now that MInhyuk has decided to bless his ears with talking, he needs to make the most out of it. “Keep what up?” 

Perhaps, he shouldn’t have poked the devil in Minhyuk because the ice-cold prince melts and it’s just scorching hot lava that comes out of his mouth. “Keep what up? Everything! You coming into my life out of nowhere and just stirring shit up for me. You sleeping on a job that I worked so hard to get. You taking everything for granted in your life. You sending me stupid pictures and not letting me forget about your existence. You being at every turn of my life. You flirting with me. You evoking such strong emotions in me. You existing in my life. YOU JUST EXISTING. YOU. JUST YOU.” Minhyuk is panting by the end of it, his fists clenching to stop himself from going any further. 

Hyungwon doesn’t respond. What is he supposed to respond with anyway? He is too overwhelmed by the hate that Minhyuk clearly still has for him. He didn’t think that someone that he cares about could hate him so much. 

To confront such genuine hate that the person doesn’t hesitate to tell you to your face that they want you to stop existing is a visceral thing, it leaves you with emotions so heavy that even breathing seems like an arduous task, your heart hammering in your chest with every beat until something in you gives. 

There have been moments when Hyungwon has been at the other side of someone’s sharp knife, where the person’s hatred for him had been apparent, but this is different. This is different because it’s a person he desperately wants to be liked by, it’s different because all he can seem to evoke in Minhyuk now is blind hate and anger. It’s different because all his hopes take a plunge as he realizes the damage he had done to their relationship is irreparable. 

He has put Minhyuk into a corner that he is desperate to get out from even if it means cutting into Hyungwon. Minhyuk doesn’t like hurting people so if he is going so far as to say that he wants Hyungwon to stop existing with such unrestrained anger then he probably does want that, Hyungwon realizes. 

He thought that their relationship is salvageable, that Minhyuk’s forgiveness is a thing within reach but perhaps, like Icarus, he had overestimated his wax wings and now he finds himself falling into the depths of realizations and reality. 

Amidst this hurricane of emotions, he keeps his facade intact because he’ll be fucked before crying in front of Minhyuk. So, he holds back. There are no emotions on his face, it’s a study in marble and Hyungwon doesn’t wait to see how it affects Minhyuk because he is the last thing that Hyungwon wants on his mind right now. 

He doesn’t spare a glance at Minhyuk as he walks out and enters the elevator alone.

***

After a quick trip to the washroom where Hyungwon looks into the mirror and puts up a resistance against the onslaught of emotions pervading his whole being, he enters the writer’s room. He gets an overenthusiastic welcome from the others which he returns with his own passive ‘Hey’. A minute later, Minhyuk comes in who is greeted in the same way. Their over the top enthusiasm clues Hyungwon in that he is not going to like what he’s going to hear later. They eat their lunch, the tension between him and Minhyuk palpable enough that even Jaebum interrupts his eating to look at them both in turn. 

After they clean up, they sit down to listen to Jaebum’s brief. “So, I will be direct with you and would request the utmost discretion here.” Hyungwon and Minhyuk both nod. “Brian is…..a,” he looks at Eunseo and Mark, probably trying to fetch a word to insult the host without insulting him. “Passionate,” Eunseo supplies. “Yes, passionate. That’s it! He is a passionate man. So, you need to be a bit gentle with him. Try not to undermine his choices and try to give suggestions while smiling. There would be times where you would find him being stup- I mean, uh..passionate about his ideas, and even if it might seem like a stupid idea to you, don’t fight him on it, try to make your point mildly. If he doesn’t give in, leave it and I’ll talk to him later. Any questions?” 

Hyungwon is already worked up so he doesn’t mince his words. “You want us to treat Brian like an egotistical but rich child. I think we got it.” Mark and Eunseo give a slight giggle while Jaebum just winces. 

He looks at the door to make sure there is no one standing there, then he bends his head a little forward, and gestures for everyone to do the same before whispering, “If you remove the diplomatic bullshit that’s exactly what I mean. Think of him as your Boss’ spoiled child that you have to babysit for a while.” 

He moves back and speaks in a normal voice. “Hyungwon, you have that resting bitch face going on, you need to smile at him, okay? Also, you have this face, it’s all handsome and intimidating. You are new and it doesn’t help that you are young and have a brain, so he would be challenging you the most. As frustrating and insulting it might seem, do not indulge him.” Hyungwon rolls his eyes but nods in affirmation.

“What are you guys talking about? He was really nice when I talked to him. Are you pranking us? Because that doesn’t sound like him.” 

Oh Minhyuk, sweet and naive Minhyuk, I-want-Hyungwon-to-stop-existing MInhyuk, when will you learn? 

“No, he isn’t. It was just an interview with people from HR there so he was probably on his best behavior.” Eunseo begins, and then Mark cuts in, “Also, you have this cute smile. You don’t have to worry about anything, you are like a puppy, he’ll be too busy petting you to insult you. Only Hyungwon needs to be care- Did I say something wrong?” Jaebum and Eunseo groan while Hyungwon turns to direct his resting bitch face towards Mark. 

Minhyuk looks at Mark like he would very willingly buy all the Cheetos in the world just to burn them all in front of him. Here’s the thing that everyone except Mark understands that what he said was by no means appeasing to Minhyuk but instead was just plain condescending. He might as well have ended his statement by saying that you just sit there and look pretty, Minhyuk.

By the pure virtue of knowing Minhyuk, he also knows that as insecure as Minhyuk is, he is going to be on the defensive now. In short, he would probably go out of his way to do everything but sit there and look pretty. 

“Forget him and his one brain cell Minhyuk, he doesn’t mean that.” Eunseo gives a comforting smile to Minhyuk but before she could attempt to repair the damage that Mark caused, there is a knock on the door. 

The door opens to reveal a built man of average height with a creepy smile on his face. His eyes are too wide, and in Hyungwon’s mind, there’s no doubt that he posts stupid quotes on Mondays with the hashtag Monday motivation or talks about ‘hustle’ and only reads bullshit self-help books about getting rich. 

Brian walks like he is doing a favor to the surface that he is walking on, and sure, Hyungwon’s judgment is a bit clouded by his annoyance but even his gait looks arrogant to him. 

“Hey boys, and Jaebum.” He winks like he just made the funniest joke on this side of the century. There are polite laughs from everyone except Hyungwon and Minhyuk. 

“So. how is my favorite group of people doing, huh?” It seems rhetorical because he doesn’t even wait for an answer before moving onto the next question. “How are you, Minhyuk, my favorite hire? They seemed a bit hesitant to hire someone as green as you but I convinced them. Jaebum told me that you’re settling well so it seems like I was right to trust you.” 

“Uh..Yeah. Thank you, Brian.” 

His eyes stay on Minhyuk for another second expecting a smile or a laugh from him which he doesn’t get but his fake smile stays. Not getting what he wants, he moves onto Hyungwon. “You must be the new hire. I am sorry I couldn’t be there for your interview but I heard that you did an impressive stand-up.” He picks a chair directly opposite to Hyungwon’s and sits down. “I started as a stand-up comedian as well, you know? It feels great at the time but earning money is quite difficult so it’s great that you deflected to becoming a writer this early in your career. Although I must say that as a stand-up comic you could probably do well for a while until...you know...the teenage girls grow up.” 

Hyungwon and everyone else can probably hear the implication there: Pretty boy realized he isn’t funny and became a writer, and you know what? Fuck that shit.

“Do you know a lot about it?” Hyungwon tone is seemingly curious even when he isn’t. 

“About what? Comedy? Of course, I’ve been in this busi-” 

“No. Teenage girls.” 

Eunseo gasps, and then there is pin-drop silence. Hyungwon doesn’t mind the deafening silence, after those painful snickers, this silence is heavenly music to Hyungwon’s ears. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long as Brian gives a fake laugh. “Ahhh, you are a funny kid, Hyungwon.” 

Jaebum clears his throat. “I emailed the script to you yesterday, and here is the hard copy, there is some other stuff that we wrote but didn’t include in the final script, we have included them on the last two pages if you want to add them.” 

Brian goes through the script as if he is looking at it for the first time, and Hyungwon feels pissed. Jaebum stayed late yesterday to finish this and he has the audacity to not even pretend to have read it? He looks at Jaebum, his expression conveying his annoyance, and Jaebum gives him an imperceptible shake of the head. He seems to have known and accepted his fate, so well, what can Hyungwon do? 

“Hmmm, at first glance, the jokes look too cliche to me. They aren’t smart. Wouldn’t you agree, Hyungwon?” 

He is going to keep picking on Hyungwon now, isn’t he? Well, then, Bob’s your uncle. 

“No, Brian, I would have to disagree. I think they are smart enough for the targeted demographic. Too smart for some people, I would say.” 

“So, you think we should dumb it down for the general audience?” 

“If that’s what your experience tells you, go for it. You would probably do well dumbing it down.” He doesn’t want Jaebum to nag at him so he follows his advice and accompanies this with a smile. 

Turns out the Jaebum knew what he was talking about because throughout the whole session Brian keeps dragging in Hyungwon who bites back but gives him a blinding smile afterward. His let-me-stab-you-in-the-nuts-but-with-a-smile strategy works wonders because it leaves Brian confused on what to do. He’s not getting on Hyungwon’s nerves like he is trying to, and he can’t call out Hyungwon on being rude because he isn’t. Technically. 

“Brian, I think you should give a pause here for the punchline and be a bit more deadpan.” 

Hyungwon blinks as a very unsmiling Minhyuk enters the chat. 

“Oh? Tell me more about how I should do my job, Minhyuk.” Brian’s voice is patronizing as his hand reaches out for Minhyuk’s hair, probably to ruffle it but Minhyuk dodges it slightly. 

“Uh, I am sorry. I...I don’t feel comfortable with strangers touching me.” 

“Oh, no apologies needed, you are just so cute, like my pet.” 

Wow. 

Okay, bye Brian. It was nice knowing you. 

Minhyuk who is usually very good at holding himself back is already on his toes, and ready to dropkick everyone. He is going to snap at Brian, Hyungwon knows it, he is going to say something and probably get kicked out of his job, so Hyungwon does what he can. 

“He isn’t a pet. He is completely human in, like, the worst way possible.” 

Minhyuk’s head whips so fast in his direction that he fully expects it to unscrew from his body and roll across the floor like a ball. 

Hyungwon reads Brian correctly though because there is glee in his eyes and mania in his grin as he says, “What is that? A rivalry between the two new writers? And, here I thought you two would get along like a house on fire. What happened?” 

“Oh, nothing happened. He is just so boring, you know? All diligent and hardworking. I teased him a bit much today so he is a bit touchy usually he is all happy while working. _ All Professional _ .” He gives a meaningful glance to Minhyuk and then grins at Brian. “Ughh. Just looking at him like that is exhausting.” 

Brian deflates a bit as he realizes there are no wounds here to put salt on and then they get back to work. 

Minhyuk goes silent, just humming his affirmations while Hyungwon keeps deflecting Brian’s provocative remarks with his own retorts, his calm visage untouched but on the inside, his annoyance is spiking and he doesn’t know when he is going to snap and drop the smile from his face. 

Finally, they sew together his monologue and add Brian’s inputs which, in Hyungwon’s unbiased opinion, are complete trash. 

If Jaebum's left nut could write, it would have been a better script. 

Brian gets up from his seat, that slimy smile stuck to his square face. “Well, guys, that was productive. I think this session took the script to 110 from 50! Am I right?” Like the obnoxious waste of space he is, he goes around and hi-fives everyone. 

“Well, newbies, it was nice working for you. Just a few tips from the veteran. Hyungwon, I like your confidence but you need to work on reading the room. As a late-night host, I have to appear likable and that is not going to happen if I joke about abortion as you wrote. So, try to come up with jokes that our audience will find funny or well not offensive.” 

Hyungwon is surprised because of the genuine advice and his sincere tone, so he simply nods in dumbfounded agreement. 

“Minhyuk, don’t be so sulky, okay? Next time I see you, you better be yipping like the puppy you are.” He turns around and leaves the room, and Hyungwon is so glad because Minhyuk’s hands are shaking. Everyone in the room is looking at him, and even oblivious Mark is wincing. 

“Minhyuk, come on, I have some work for you.” Jaebum gets up and goes into his rarely used office cabin. MInhyuk follows him and they stay behind closed doors until it’s time to go. Minhyuk follows Jaebum to the parking spot so Hyungwon walks alone to the bus stand, earphones blasting Led Zeppelin in his ears. 

  
  


*** 

As he is trying to sleep, his thoughts take over his sleep. 

Perhaps, he had been too optimistic.

Even if the limb is cut off, the phantom pain stays. 

Perhaps, some wounds don’t heal with time and distance.

Perhaps, there is no redemption for a man who breaks your heart.

He unlocks his phone and keeps scrolling through his twitter feed until his eyes refuse to open and finally his brain shuts down.

  
  


***

‘Hey, Hyungwon, I am Soyou, the head writer. First of all, welcome here. I apologize for not meeting with you before but I hope our writers helped you settle in your new role.” 

Souyou says this as if Hyungwon better not say otherwise so he doesn’t. “Yeah, they are quite welcoming.” 

Hyungwon’s blanket stays untouched that day because when he had reached the office, he had been told Soyou is in her office cabin waiting for him. So, Hyungwon had taken the necessary ten steps to go there and knock on her door. From the first glance, Hyungwon could tell that unlike the other writers, this was a no-nonsense lady. So, taking Brian’s advice he reads the room and decides to say no to his nonsense for his meetings with Souyou. 

“Great! Also, you had Minhyuk. So, you guys must have had fun together away from the old people in the writer’s room.” Sitting beside Hyungwon, Minhyuk laughs awkwardly. 

“Alright, what does the youngblood have for me. Let’s start with Minhyuk.” 

“Uh..Yeah. I want to create content that is a separate branch. I want it to be linked with the talk show by a thin thread but I want it to exist completely independently. So, ummm, I was thinking we should involve the behind the scenes people more for YouTube. Like creating sketches surrounding them and shifting the spotlight away from Brian to the other staff. For example, for the sketches, it could be about a problem that we encountered while creating the episode for that week.” 

Minhyuk looks at Soyou to gauge her reaction but Souyou just keeps nodding for him to continue, her reaction hidden behind her polite smile. 

“Uhh, to be specific, have you seen 30 Rock?” Souyou nods, a glimmer of excitement on her face which makes Minhyuk more confident. “So, what I was thinking we could release an episode per week surrounding a situation. A few of the ideas are the writing room dividing into two teams over a joke, a new member in the production team suspecting Brian is a robot, storylines like that. It could be like The Office plus 30 Rock. I did something similar on my channel and while it doesn’t go viral, it does create a loyal fanbase and since it’s longer, it’s great for monetization.” 

“Alright, that sounds great. We can definitely give it a try. But, do remember, while we are in the experimentation stage, you two would have to take the lead here. Especially you Minhyuk when it comes to editing, I can give you peop-” 

“Uhh, no. I want to do the editing myself, at least in the beginning until I have settled on a style.” 

“That’s the spirit. Hyungwon, what about you? Any ideas.” 

Hyungwon, who had the same idea to an extent that he even wrote '30 Rock + The Office' on his notes and then circled it like a mad man, feels lost. Now if he said this, it would look like he ripped it off Minhyuk. He looks at his notes and his eyes move to the farthest corner where he had scratched some other unambitious ideas. 

"I was thinking that in addition to creating new content we could also use the stuff that we already have like bloopers, behind the scenes footage with the guests. We could also introduce new segments like 'The Joke that Couldn't Be' where we could include all the offensive jokes that we thought of for that week's episode but couldn't include. Such jokes garner a great response on the internet - Negative and positive both. Negative pushback wouldn't affect our image because we already stated that we didn't include that in our show." 

Souyou looks at him like he is a puzzle that she wants to solve. "Those are great ideas. It's a great balance to Minhyuk's long format. You'll have the diverse content without stretching yourself too thin." 

She looks at Minhyuk and then Hyungwon again. "Can I see your notes? Both of you." 

Minhyuk nods excitedly while Hyungwon hesitates before giving in. Souyou reads both of their notes carefully and then puts them beside each other, her eyes going back and forth. 

"Hyungwon didn't say it but the main idea that he fleshed out the most is similar to yours, Minhyuk. Did you guys not discuss your ideas with each other?" 

Hyungwon practices being a stone, his face not giving up anything while Minhyuk whole demeanor looks so guilty that he might as well as have taken out his personal journal out for all the world to see. 

"I told-" 

"We decided to not discuss it among ourselves until we've decided on an idea." Hyungwon interrupts Minhyuk before he implicates himself. 

"Well, whatever gave you that idea? If you had discussed it you could've worked on more ideas or even work out the one you had together with more details. You could utilize your work and talent together. That's the whole reason that we gave you a separate space. So you could work on it  _ together _ ." Souyou who wants no-nonsense has heard some nonsense so she doesn't hold back on her tongue-lashing, her tone not angry but disappointed. 

She looks at Minhyuk who is burrowing further in his chair, making himself small and then at Hyungwon who would rather be fired than react. 

"Hyungwon while looking at you I can tell that you like working alone but until you are with us please restrain yourself and instead of making things tough for yourself and Minhyuk, please learn to coordinate with other people." 

Hyungwon nods, facade still intact behind his stoic expression. 

"That's the only problem that I have. You both have great ideas and a lot of creative talent. Even by looking at your notes I can tell how meticulous you've both been about the whole thing. Keep that up but also learn to work together. Forget about the TV side of things for a while and work on this instead. Let's start by writing a script for the first episode. You can talk to the staff for any crazy stories because believe me we have a lot. Set your style, and then we'll go through the whole script together, make changes and then you can shoot and edit it. You have a week, so start working.” Souyou pauses here to give some room to any disagreement which doesn’t come from her two already chastised minions, so she continues. “Leave the bloopers and behind the scenes to me, I'll let the editors know. They'll handle it. As you know, we are shooting the episode tomorrow, and we'll release it a day after, on Friday. We are going to release Hyungwon's segment on Saturday from next week onwards. You can discuss with the writers about the direction and the jokes. And, yeah, that's all for now. If you need me, don't hesitate to come in whenever you want." 

***

Back in the basement, Hyungwon boots his laptop, doing his best trying to ignore Minhyuk who has other things on his agenda like trying to catch Hyungwon's attention by staring at him continuously before finally speaking up. "Thanks for that." 

Hyungwon is better than holding onto small hopes and withered olive branches, so he doesn't look up, doesn't smile. "It's alright. Mama raised no snitch." 

From the corner of his eye, Hyungwon can tell that Minhyuk is smiling but he also knows that a smile doesn’t mean that Minhyuk has forgiven him. 

"I am sorry for not listening to you before when you said that we should work together.” 

“Nah, I just wanted to nap if I wanted to work I would’ve asked you again.” Not really, he did want to work, he especially wanted to work with Minhyuk. 

“Don’t lie,” Minhyuk stands in front of him, his eyes searching, “I am sorry for letting our past come in the way of our work.” 

Hyungwon doesn’t meet his eyes as he replies, “‘S’alright.” 

There’s a hand on his sleeve tugging his arm away from his laptop and Hyungwon looks at Minhyuk in surprise. “I am sorry for being angry at you yesterday. I am sorry for being so mean. I shouldn’t have said that I want you to stop existing because that’s not true.” His Minhyuk was honest and Hyungwon is glad that not-his Minhyuk is still honest. “Hyungwon... I will be better. This is a huge opportunity for us. I don’t want us to get fired because of my pettiness. so let’s start again, yeah?” 

Hyungwon knows these are just words that don’t mean anything in the real sense because there is no reset button in life. They can’t “start” again and magically forget their past. He knows this universal truth yet as he looks at Minhyuk’s hopeful face, he thinks, I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. 

“Yeah, let’s start again.” 

Minhyuk gives him his sunshine smile and Hyungwon wouldn’t say that it’s a turning point in their relationship but it’s damn near close to one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you see any typos. Also, comments are always welcome! The next chapter is going to be more fast-paced with small time lapses in between so please look forward to it. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Twitter - @mellow_minhyuk


	5. Clashing - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon and Minhyuk's relationship peaks before it crashes but more on that in the next chapter.

Over the next four months that they work together, Hyungwon gets to be Minhyuk’s work acquaintance. Their household is harmonious but businesslike. Together they work in the basement, bouncing ideas off each other, never backing off from heated discussions.

In the beginning of their script-writing sessions, they pick out the character traits of everyone and exaggerate it for their scripts. After much deliberation, they decide to make it a vlog plus documentary about “two newbies discovering the crazy behind-the-scenes world of a late-night talk show”. They discuss the script with Souyou and then the whole writing staff. By the end of three days, they have a coherent script for the first episode with an excited writing and production staff ready to show off their acting chops.

Hyungwon directs his own segment which consists of writers coming in turns to read out the joke they couldn’t include. He has to fight with the editors to make sure that they don’t use the laughter track but eventually, he wins. Instead, he requests to add the sound of the genuine reaction of the people present in the room while shooting which are sometimes snickers and sometimes boos. In Hyungwon’s humble opinion, it makes the whole thing much better and he makes it a point to show off the comments agreeing with him. The views don’t pour in but there is an improvement.

The spike comes next week when they release their first episode and Minhyuk’s audience rushes in to watch him in a new setting. This makes their first episode becomes a major hit by their dead channel’s standard and Hyungwon can’t wait for them to release more.

It’s fun writing and acting with Minhyuk. It’s fun when Minhyuk calls him out for making his character more “cooler” and “smarter” to which Hyungwon shrugs and replies that “art imitates life”. It’s fun when Hyungwon asks Minhyuk if he’s purposefully dressing as a twink for their shooting days and Minhyuk gasps dramatically and responds that he is the twinkiest twink to ever twink. He says it with the smile that would melt a God, so how can a mortal puny human like Hyungwon not give in?

It’s not all sunshine and smiles though. While discussing the script, Hyungwon offhandedly references Minhyuk’s own series and Minhyuk looks at him like you would look at a guy who has seen your dick and then went to hold a Ted-talk about it. The vulnerability in his eyes is palpable and Hyungwon feels like he has crossed a boundary by wading into Minhyuk’s personal life. It’s a set-back that makes them awkward with each other again but their forced proximity makes them work together and soon they are joking around with each other again.

Their relationship is a delicate balance held by making no references to their past and by not even alluding to their personal relationship. They pretend that they never laid in each other’s arms while rambling all their secrets and insecurities to each other. There is a chasm between them that lets Minhyuk fool around with him without feeling all the hurt that he must have associated with Hyungwon by now. They are great coworkers but they aren’t friends.

It’s a distance that Hyungwon wants to cover but doesn’t know how to. What if he ends up overstepping his boundaries? What if he hurts Minhyuk more? What if he finally drives Minhyuk to cut Hyungwon from his life even as a passing stranger?

He lets these thoughts lie in the back of his head, and pours himself into his work instead. Their vlogs gain positive feedback along with more people coming in until their dead channel is officially deemed alive. In the beginning, most of the people come for Minhyuk but gradually they stay for all of them: for Jaebum’s quirky fashion sense and his tired writer act, for Mark’s Cheetos fingers and gaming obsession, for Eunseo’s failed diets and bubbly personality, for Souyou’s boss bitch persona, for Hyungwon’s sarcastic but laidback asshole personality.

They stay for, as a few lurking sessions on stan twitter tell him, the chemistry between Minhyuk and Hyungwon.

Minhyuk and Hyungwon write jokes for the TV show as well. While Hyungwon indulges Brian for his amusement, Minhyuk just politely ignores him. But, nothing beats working for content that they create in their tiny basement room. Their independent videos rake in more views and exposure, so they add in more segments and collaborate for more scripts.

That’s how their lives move for the next four months until the next turning point comes in the name of Yoo Kihyun.

***

During the weekend, he is lying on Kihyun’s couch scrolling through his phone while Kihyun is sitting beside him, Hyungwon’s feet on his lap, knitting a scarf as a secret gift for Wonho for their anniversary.

“Don’t get mad at me for not telling you this before but Minhyuk is my…colleague,” Hyungwon says it carefully, tone measured. It’s uncharted waters after all. In fact, it could be petrol instead of water waiting for a matchstick for all Hyungwon knew.

“Yeah, I know,” Kihyun says it casually, his clumsy fingers working hard to create something that’s not an abomination.

“How?”

“Minhyuk told me.”

Hyungwon puts his phone down and swings his foot out of Kihyun’s lap because what the fuck? “Can you stop with your damn knitting for a second and tell me what the fuck is going on? Start from the beginning, asshole.”

Kihyun sighs and finally puts down his knitting needles. “I didn’t tell you but I actually texted him the next day after the party when we...kissed.” Hyungwon doesn’t hold back on the rage he feels and it must show because Kihyun’s tone becomes a tad more apprehensive than before. “I apologized and asked him how he was doing. I didn’t expect a reply but he actually replied a month later saying that it was alright, and he was doing better now and I shouldn’t worry about him.”

Hyungwon shakes with the enormity of what Kihyun just casually dropped on him, and Kihyun continues as if he needs to let everything out now or it would be too late. “Just before the photo exhibition, I texted him again with this huge message apologizing to him and telling him how guilty I felt, and he sent me a long message back consoling me and telling me all the reasons why I shouldn’t spend my life feeling guilty.” Kihyun’s eyes are big with worry, he is probably counting down the seconds until Hyungwon snaps. Good. “We ended up chatting and I actually told him about how I felt trapped in our relationship but I didn’t want it to end because I had loved you for so long. He gave me really good advice which made me not fight back when you eventually asked for a break up a week later.”

“Are you still in contact?” Hyungwon’s tone brooks no room for whataboutery that Kihyun usually prefers during a confrontation.

“Yeah, we kept in contact throughout the years, and I recently met him at Changkyun’s house where he told me this.”

As much as Kihyun is trying to sell this to Hyungwon as something mundane with his casual tone, Hyungwon can smell his bullshit from a mile away. The topic of Minhyuk had always been a sensitive subject between them. At least, that’s what Hyungwon had always thought but apparently, it was all in his mind. He had been trying so hard to spare Kihyun’s feelings by not talking about Minhyuk. Now, out of nowhere, Kihyun tells him that all this while he had been talking to Minhyuk. He feels betrayed. He feels angry. So, he does what he tends to during such moments.

He walks out even as Kihyun tries to stop him.

***

After Kihyun, there had been a few people that he had hooked up with. Even when he liked them, he never had the courage to take it any further than a fling because he was scared that he’ll hurt another person. He needed his best friend at those times but he couldn’t because Minhyuk was supposed to be forbidden between them.

He feels angry enough to hurt Kihyun with his words. But, he has grown so he just sends him a text asking him to not worry about him and that they’ll meet next weekend and talk this out.

On Monday, as he arrives, he can tell that people around him are being a bit wary of him. Good, he thinks. His resting bitch face doesn’t take a rest for the whole week and on Friday as he is furiously typing out the dialogues for the script in the basement, Minhyuk groans loudly.

After shooting an episode for his segments and getting in an argument with the editors, Hyungwon feels particularly on edge, so he doesn’t look up. Anticipating his talk with Kihyun tomorrow doesn’t make his mood any better either. He just feels like snapping at anyone and everyone.

“You’ve been grumpy this whole week. You are affecting my mojo.”

“Uh-huh. Sorry, I guess.”

A hand comes in front of his face and he is forced to look up from the screen to the owner of the said hand.

“I am sorry, am I holding you back from doing the work that you shouldn’t be doing today anyway?”

“Finishing my work a week before isn’t going to kill me.”

“Well, the intensity that you’ve going on this whole week might just kill me. Come on, we just have fifteen minutes left, let’s go up and bother others.”

Hyungwon sighs, eyes again on the screen. He isn’t in the mood for this, all he wants is to complete his work.

“Minhyuk, please.”

Minhyuk’s silence is a dangerous thing, Hyungwon should know. When a response doesn’t come, his eyes stray, until they found Minhyuk’s.

“Kihyun told me what happened.”

Hyungwon shuts his laptop down forcefully because this is it. This is it. He can’t believe Kihyun just did this. He can’t believe his two exes had been in contact all this while, and are close enough to share such things between them. This is bullshit. What right Kihyun has to air his dirty laundry in front of Minhyuk?

He feels like he is going to snap at Minhyuk, so he starts throwing his stuff into his bag, ready to get out of there. Anywhere that is far away from Minhyuk and KIhyun.

“Hyungwon, you need to stop running away when things don’t go your way.” There’s annoyance in Minhyuk’s tone and Hyungwon is this close to snapping. He grits his teeth and slings his bag across his shoulders. “Well, watch me.”

Minhyuk’s tone is calm while he speaks to Hyungwon, almost as if he is soothing a child who is on the verge of throwing a tantrum. To Hyungwon, it’s anything but calming, and all he can think is stop being so condescending. “Hyungwon, please. Sit down. You need to confront your emotions sometimes.”

Stop being so condescending. Stop being so condescending. Just stop it. He lets go of his control and then he is in front of Minhyuk, letting all his frustrations out. “You don’t know me, Minhyuk. I am dealing with things how they should be dealt with.”

“Are you though, Hyungwon? You just stopped talking to your best friend of many years because he let it slip that he was talking to your ex?”

Here it is, the acknowledgment that they aren’t just strangers forced in the same enclosed space. They are ex-lovers with a past, with the knowledge of each other’s deepest insecurities. Any other time, Hyungwon would have been happy but right now, all he can think is that Minhyuk is assuming things about him when he has no right to.

“That’s not all. Minhyuk, you don’t know what you are talking about. You aren’t even close.”

Hyungwon thinks he is going to burst and his relationship with Minhyuk will become even worse so he takes a step back, ready to head out.

Minhyuk has a habit of worming himself into the deepest crevices of Hyungwon’s heart though and today is no different when he clutches Hyungwon’s wrist in his hand and looks at him with such tenderness that Hyungwon’s breath hitches.

He weakly tries to shrug his hand out of Minhyuk’s hold but Minhyuk doesn’t budge. “Hyungwon, come on. I think we are due for a conversation. Let’s talk, please?” There are stars shining in Minhyuk’s eyes or maybe it’s tears, Hyungwon can’t tell. Whatever it is, it holds Hyungwon captive until he nods his head.

Minhyuk lifts Hyungwon’s chair and puts it beside his own so that there’s no table, no distance, between them as they talk. They settle down in their respective chairs, Hyungwon anxious but anticipating.

“I’ll start. I was really hurt Hyungwon. Cheating, I could accept but you didn’t even give me any closure. You just abandoned me like you were done with me.”

Hyungwon shakes his head because that’s not it, and he expects Minhyuk to go on like he did the last time but Minhyuk stops. Hyungwon understands that this is where he has to come in, and he has thought of this before, dissected his own cowardice so many nights that he knows what he needs to say.

Without waiting to put his thoughts into a coherent piece, he lets his heart lead him. “I am sorry. I am so sorry. I know that I keep saying that but you have to believe me. I didn’t discard you, Minhyuk. You are such a big person in my life. Even in your absence, I never forgot you. I didn’t abandon you. I was scared. I was scared of looking at you, talking to you and just facing the way I broke you.” Minhyuk takes his hand in his own and Hyungwon, for once, feels brave and strong. “While we dated, I always tried to make you laugh. I felt like I could touch the stars when you smiled because of me. When I broke your heart, all I wanted to do was bury myself alive until I couldn’t feel anything, so instead, I tried to stop myself from thinking about you. The guilt was just so much that I just had to disassociate myself from that part of me that hurt you. Not talking to you, not giving you the closure that you deserved was entirely selfish on my part because I felt guilty. Not talking to you after that was because I didn’t want to remember how I treated the person I cared for so much. I am so sorry.”

There are tears in Minhyuk’s eyes and even Hyungwon, who sometimes feels like there’s something wrong with his brain to not process emotions as others do, is close to tearing up.

“I...I am sorry too.” Minhyuk voice trembles but Hyungwon shakes his head because Minhyuk has done nothing wrong.

“No, listen to me. I am sorry that I treated you so... harshly. I always thought that I am a mature person but I guess I am not. If I was, I wouldn’t have painted you as this monster in my mind when you were not. You made me so happy, Hyungwon. Rarely have I felt so safe with anyone the way I did with you. That’s what made it worse, you know? You were my safe space. So, when that was taken away from me. I just….things got hard for me.” A pause with so much potential for anything. Creation or destruction? Maybe both. “But, here’s the thing Hyungwon, you aren’t a monster. You made a mistake. It was a big mistake, but it was just that....a mistake.” Hyungwon shakes his head vigorously because that’s not it. It’s not Minhyuk’s fault, it’s all Hyungwon. It’s all him.

“No, listen to me. You aren’t listening to me. Hyungwon, please listen to me, okay?” Minhyuk takes his face in his hands and Hyungwon has no choice but to stop shaking his head and listen. “The world isn’t easy, it isn’t black and white no matter how badly I want it to be because that would make things so easy. But, it isn’t. You aren’t the monster that you think you are and I am not the saint that I would like to be.”

The tears finally flow and everything inside Hyungwon magnifies. Hyungwon hasn’t spoken about this to anyone and now that they are talking about it, Hyungwon feels so overwhelmed with emotions, words, memories, everything. Minhyuk lets go of his face to wipe Hyungwon’s tears.

“I am so sorry. I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry,” Hyungwon cries. Even though he feels ashamed of showing his emotions so openly, he lets his voice tremble and tears flow. There are so many things that Hyungwon wants to say but it’s all too much. He feels broken in a way that he never realized he was.

Hyungwon sees Minhyuk wiping his own tears before engulfing Hyungwon in his arms. “Listen, Hyungwon. You made me so happy in the past, you make me so happy right now. I let your one mistake taint every memory of you to move on, and it just made it all worse. The absolute truth is that we have so many amazing memories. I think I’ve grown so much, and so have you. Every day, I look forward to coming here to work with you. Tease you. Laugh with you. Once I let myself see you as a person and not a monster I created in my own mind, it was easy to like you again. So, please let’s stop hurting each other.”

Hyungwon releases Minhyuk to look him in the eye because among all the things that he struggles to speak to Minhyuk, there’s one that he needs Minhyuk to know.

“I want you to know that I’ve changed. I’ve grown as a person. If you think, I remained unaffected, I didn’t. Minhyuk, to realize that you’re a bad person capable of hurting someone you loved is such a…tangible thing. I want you to know that you changed me, that you made me a better person. Please know that.”

Hyungwon doesn’t tell Minhyuk about the scars on his heart, he doesn’t talk about the nights he spent awake thinking about Minhyuk and him, he doesn’t mention how his every potential relationship was ruined by Minhyuk’s last haunting smile. He doesn’t say it because it’s not about Minhyuk. It’s about the consequence of Hyungwon’s own actions. He doesn’t want Minhyuk to feel guilty about something he didn’t do, so he doesn’t say it but his wounds that he thought healed with time hurt like they never did before. He had bottled his feelings up, and now they gush forth with intense pressure but Hyungwon pushes it all back because now is not the time.

“I know. I know. I always thought that I was the only one affected but that isn’t true, is it? If I am broken, then you are broken too, Hyungwon.”

Minhyuk never fails to amaze Hyungwon with his talent, his empathy, his everything, and Hyungwon is just as amazed right now as Minhyuk wipes his tears away gently like Hyungwon is something fragile that will break under pressure.

“Hyungwon, I think you win.”

“Huh?”

Minhyuk sighs, his overdramatic antics coming out. “I forgive you. So, I think you win.”

Hyungwon feels like bawling but he feels so insecure while showing his emotions to someone else that his heart becomes a convoluted mess of emotions. In the end, he ends up laughing to stop his crying.

“Oh my God, did I break you?”

Hyungwon laughs even harder and drags Minhyuk into a hug. He hears a muffled sound so he pulls back and there is that sunshine smile after the storm.

“I forgive you so please forgive yourself too.” Minhyuk smiles.

Hyungwon smiles back and their relationship takes another turn.

The next day, he visits Kihyun and they talk about all things Minhyuk. Hyungwon confides in Kihyun that while he feels betrayed, he also recognizes that he is more mad at himself than at KIhyun. He acknowledges that the most irking thing about Kihyun’s revelation was the realisation that Kihyun was braver than him when he always thought that they were both cowards. Kihyun denies it and says he was a coward as well, the only difference is that he was a coward to which Minhyuk replied.

They hash out their past about Minhyuk and Kihyun tells him that he needs to forgive himself or he’ll never be able to go out and love someone else. Hyungwon says “yeah” because even though it will take time, he has Minhyuk’s forgiveness and his smiles, and maybe he’ll be able to look at another person and wouldn’t back out because of his imaginary fears about hurting them. The conversation with Kihyun leaves him drained but rejuvenated. Later, he replays Minhyuk’s words to him and finds himself smiling at nothing.

On Monday, they work together and nothing is particularly different except they keep stealing glances and can’t stop smiling when caught.

***

Next week, Minhyuk comes in and announces his birthday. Hyungwon realizes that all these years that he had known Minhyuk, he never knew his birthday. All of the writers with their most fun executive producer and social media manager, Bora, go out to eat together. While leaving, Jaebum offers a ride but they both deny. As they walk side by side, there’s a comfortable silence between them which Hyungwon regretfully breaks because he has questions.

“You never told me your birthday.”

“You never asked.”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes. “You could’ve told me yesterday, I could get you a gift.”

Minhyuk turns to look at him and blinks his eyes rapidly, his voice breathy. “But, Hyungwon, your presence itself is a gift for me.”

This solidifies Hyungwon’s determination to buy a gift even further because he needs to see Minhyuk’s stupid antics for a long time so it’s really important for him to buy his way into Minhyuk’s good-boy list.

They sit together on the bus, and Minhyuk shares his earphones with him, their ritual by now. When Minhyuk’s stand is about to come, Hyungwon nudges him. “Let’s go to the main market.”

Minhyuk takes out his earbud, puzzled expression on his face. “Why?”  
Hyungwon shrugs even though he has many reasons. “Let’s hang out.”

Minhyuk shrugs. “Okay.”

They get off a few stations ahead. Together, under the cover of the stars, they go from shop to shop, stall to stall, looking for nothing until Hyungwon finally lets his motivation slip.

“I want to buy you a present.”

Minhyuk groans. “I knew it. I so knew it. Ugghhh, why? Please don’t. If you do, I’ll have to buy you one too!”

Hyungwon snorts. “Of course, you’ll have to buy one for me. Don’t worry, I’ll be cheap so you can be cheap with your gift as well.”

Minhyuk narrows his eyes but the twinkle in his eye is unmistakable. “Fine.”

They don’t have to browse much before Hyungwon has bought two gifts for Minhyuk: a book and a pair of earrings. The artificial gems reflect the light of the stall they buy it from as Minhyuk puts it in front of his ear and asks Hyungwon’s opinion. His smile is so bright that Hyungwon freezes it and carefully puts it in his memory.

***

Hyungwon doesn’t get to see Minhyuk wearing those until three days later when he uploads a Birthday Q & A video on his channel. There is a crown on his brown wavy hair, Hyungwon’s gift dangling from his ears, light makeup on his face. He looks so beautiful that Hyungwon has to pause the video to just look at him for a few seconds. He watches the video and then rewatches it again.

He captures a screenshot of Minhyuk smiling wide to send it to Minhyuk himself and realizes that the last text he sent him was when he had joined the office, almost four months back. He attaches the image and captions it with ‘Princess’ first because that’s what Minhyuk had called himself in the video but then he thinks about all the times he had called Minhyuk ‘Princess’ in and out of the bedroom and changes the text to ‘Cute’ with a heart.

He gets a reply after five minutes. It’s a screenshot of Hyungwon with a charcoal face mask on, a screenshot from the vlog that they had uploaded a month back. The caption says ‘Ugly’ with a broken heart. In the darkness of his own room, Hyungwon doesn’t hide his smile.

And thus, from then on, begins another tradition of sending each other pictures with weird captions.

***

Their relationship evolves with them until Hyungwon can confidently say that they are friends. They don’t talk about their past because there’s no need to, there is too much going on in their present except when Hyungwon asks for Minhyuk’s picture in a skirt, something Jooheon had mentioned in his earlier vlogs, but Minhyuk only hits his arm while groaning.

The TV ratings don’t go up, they give two episodes to Minhyuk and Hyungwon to do as they please. They add jokes that they want to but Brian, too wary of his squeaky clean image, feels uncomfortable so they tone it down. The end result is a mess which alienates their current audience without catching the attention of the others, so they give up. It is collectively decided that they’ll focus solely on the internet side of things.

They still sit down with the other writers and contribute but, for Hyungwon, most of his jokes go to the ‘The Joke That Couldn’t Be’ segment which actually becomes one of their most popular and viral segments. It also marks Hyungwon, with his “offensive” and unpredictable jokes, as a fan favorite.

Hyungwon’s professional life fills with Minhyuk’s laughter and the easy camaraderie with the other writers. For his personal life, he loses contact with Jackson, Seola and Exy but he does find out that Seola and Exy broke up. He thinks about sending them a text asking how they are doing but he doesn’t know how to.

In the end, he makes himself type the words and sends it without overthinking it. Exy tells him that she now lives in another city but would meet up with him the next time she visits while Seola, in true Seola fashion, tells him that she’ll hang out with him because she is bored.

They meet in her apartment and sitting on the bed while playing monopoly, Seola spills her guts.

“We just kind of drifted apart. We got so busy and gave each other so much space that eventually we felt annoyed whenever we had to meet. It became a scheduled chore rather than a thing that we looked forward to. We even tried living together but we couldn’t make it work. We grew up to be different people, I guess.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Can I be honest?”

“Of course.”

“Not really, no. But I should, right? I mean we were friends for three years, dated for almost two. I should be missing her but I just don’t. I stopped missing her a long time ago even when we were dating.”

“That’s okay. People come, people go. Some people stay stuck in your mind but some you just let go.”

Seola stares at him and repeats, “Some people stay stuck in your mind, huh?”

Hyungwon looks at her and the way she looks at him back so intently leaves no room for misinterpretation. As she leans closer, Hyungwon can tell where she is going with this. His cracks reappear, and he feels this compulsive need to warn her of the damage he is capable of causing.

“I am your worst choice, Seola.”

She leans back, her eyes still focused on Hyungwon’s. There’s knowledge in her eyes as if she sees him for the broken man that he is. “Don’t flatter yourself, it’s just rebound.”

“I like my space too much. I can’t talk to you every day. I can’t chat with you when I don’t have anything to talk about. I rarely go out. I can be quite condescending. If we drift apart, I won’t be able to drag myself back into our relationship no matter what the stake is but most importantly,” Hyungwon takes a deep breath, he is not one to repeat his mistakes, so he has to say this no matter how ridiculous he feels “I like someone else. I like them and I am not sure if anything will come out of it but until we are in the same space as we are now, I don’t think I’ll be able to focus on anyone else.”

It’s out there, Hyungwon has spoken his pining into existence now. He doesn’t think about if he just fell in love again with the present Minhyuk or if he never fell out of love in the first place or if he is just infatuated because the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter when he just wants to touch him, kiss him, flirt with him, dance with him, make him laugh, fuck him, buy him gifts, and do everything that he has no permission to.

It doesn’t matter when his days begin with the anticipation of making Minhyuk laugh and end with replaying every moment when he did so.

But, most importantly, it doesn’t matter because he had his chance, now all he has is the hope that when they’ll quit their job, some distance and time would help Hyungwon move on, but for now he might as well choke himself with everything Minhyuk.

Seola shuffles away to put some space between them. “Well, you seem to have already prepared a list of things to stop people from dating you. I just think you’re chickening out but that’s a discussion for someone else. I don’t want to date you, I am just horny.”

Hyungwon rolls the thought in his head and answers with a shrug, “Honestly, me too but no strings attached.”

Seola scoffs. “As if. I just want to have sex right now.”

“Alright Alright!”

***

During the Christmas break, he visits his mom and his mother’s girlfriend warns him beforehand that his mother is learning how to knit - Did Kihyun talk her into this? - and has made both of them a sweater. He sees her hesitating to say the word ‘ugly’ but when she says ‘unique’, Hyungwon gets it. When his mom takes a picture of him and her girlfriend with those sweaters on, he really gets it.

He sends the picture to Minhyuk and in response gets a picture of Minhyuk’s feet in some very “unique” socks with the caption, ‘Here’s one for your wank bank’. He snorts and unfortunately, the coffee that he had been drinking goes down the wrong way, and he coughs and coughs and coughs.

***

January sees their vlogs attain a steady growth but it’s the small segments that gain more views thanks to the small attention span of the internet people. Now, that their audience is more familiar with them, Bora, their social media manager, and Souyou decide to squeeze out long but easily digestible content and thus is born the idea of them playing and recording ‘Truth and Dare’. They decide to go completely unscripted and just edit out any things that are not monetization friendly later.

The questions start easy, with Mark asking Eunseo, the goody-two-shoes, if she ever cheated on any exam. She predictably says no, her tone almost offended. There are some ridiculous dares like eating chili sauce and singing while attempting a handstand. Minhyuk asks Jaebum about the person who had the worst first impression and Mark groans knowingly.

“He was wearing a tracksuit, his first sentence was “I am Mark, dudebro.” followed by a too strong handshake and a ridiculous wink.”

“Hey! No one asked for details. In my defense, I was really nervous and had forgotten to get my clothes ironed!”

“Uh-uh, dudebro”

They are nearing the end when Mark asks Minhyuk a question that lays out another turning point in their relationship.

“So, sunshine Minhyuk, do you have a crush on someone in this room?”

“This is inappropriate!” intervenes Jaebum.

Mark shrugs. “Why? He doesn’t have to say their name.”

Before the argument can grow to a full-blown fight, Minhyuk responds, “Yeah.” His eyes are stuck on the bottle and he doesn’t let anyone ask him any further questions as he gives the bottle another spin.

Back in the basement, Hyungwon wants to ask Minhyuk who does he have a crush on. Even though he doesn’t want to believe it, there’s this nagging voice in his head that tells him that it’s him, how every time Minhyuk smiles at him, it means something more. He is a man grounded in reality though so he doesn’t let himself get swept up by this fantasy but it doesn’t mean that he isn’t curious.

***

His birthday falls on a Sunday and he wakes up around 11 in the morning. He checks his phone first thing and there among all the other texts is Minhyuk’s name. It’s a picture of Hyungwon in exaggerated makeup and a long wig - the things that he does for this vlog - with the caption ‘Happy Birthday to the second prettiest person I know’.

He immediately texts him back. “Thank you. Who’s the first one though?”

The text says “Dior” and attached is a picture of what is unmistakably Minhyuk in a skirt. It’s a full picture of Minhyuk standing in a short skirt, his hands on his waist, a long wig framing his beautiful face, his lips plump and in a soft pout, his slim and toned legs enticing the viewer.

Hyungwon looks at the picture and just absorbs Minhyuk’s beauty. In his unbiased opinion, it’s a picture that can help humanity attain peace, restore ecological balance, curb poverty and help people realize the kinks they never had before. Okay, perhaps, the last thing only applies to him.

“It’s my birthday, I think I deserve more pictures,” Hyungwon texts.

He doesn’t get any words but what he does get is more pictures of Dior. While he is having dinner at Kihyun’s place surrounded by KIhyun, Seola, Hoseok, and Changkyun, he finds himself checking out of the conversation just to glance at the pictures one more time.

***

The next day, their writer’s crew goes to the same restaurant as the one they went to celebrate Minhyuk’s birthday, and just like that day Hyungwon and Minhyuk sit together on the bus sharing their earphones afterward, Hozier crooning in their ears. Minhyuk tells him that he wants to get him a gift so they go to the same market. Minhyuk buys him a shirt which Hyungwon accepts without much fuss.

***

The first time he wears that shirt, he makes sure to look extra handsome that day which admittedly isn’t that hard for him. The shy smile that he gets from Minhyuk makes the extra minutes that he spent on his hair worth it.

***

Six months into his new job, Hyungwon goes to perform at an open-mic again in a restaurant. It’s an impulsive decision. He sees a sign the week before and recycles his old material. The first time he steps on the stage in six months, he feels excited, his every nerve buzzing with excitement. With each laugh that spills, he feels validated and powerful. As he steps down to warm applause, he feels exhilarated and realizes how much he missed this feeling. He promises himself to do it more.

***

The thing about Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s relationship is that except during the first hitch, he was never really scared of meeting Minhyuk. In fact, he wanted to meet Minhyuk to apologize even though he knew that their eventual meeting would be anything but pleasant. Even as Minhyuk had given Hyungwon a good talking to, he hadn’t been scared of him.

Looking into Jooheon’s narrowed eyes, he wishes he could say the same for him. Jooheon looks the same except more toned. Somehow slimmer yet more bulked up at the same time. To sum up, he looks like if he decided to beat Hyungwon then he would do so without sweating.

“Hi, Honey!” Minhyuk’s chirpy voice doesn’t do anything to soothe Hyungwon’s fears.  
When Minhyuk had said that a friend was picking him up and he could ride with them, Hyungwon should’ve seen it coming. “Hey, Jooheon.” Gosh, was it too late to pack his bags and live his life as a humble farmer in the countryside?

“Hyungwon.” Jooheon nods.

They get in the car. Minhyuk sits in front with Jooheon while Hyungwon sits in the back.

“I am kinda hungry. Can we go somewhere to eat?”

Jooheon groans. “Why are you like this? You already know that I am on a diet!”

Even though Hyungwon can’t see Minhyuk, his pout is almost audible to him. “I know and I hate it! I like you as you are!”

“Ughhh, fine. Let’s just get you a crappy pizza.”

“Aha!”

Hyungwon stays silent in the hopes that his presence would be forgotten but damn, Minhyuk just has to drag him in his mess. “Hyungwon, come with us?”

He sounds so hopeful that Hyungwon concedes. If Jooheon is going to drive him to a deserted place to behead him, he might as well go with Minhyuk’s pout in his memory. Small sacrifices really.

If there was any doubt in Hyungwon’s mind about Jooheon’s animosity, they are cleared up as soon as Jooheon makes it a point to sit beside Minhyuk once they reach the pizza place. Hyungwon moves to the other side of the table without a protest and just prays for his life.

Their conversations are awkward and stilted because Minhyuk keeps trying to involve Hyungwon while Jooheon keeps shutting him out. The nightmare ends with Jooheon dropping him off and Minhyuk texting him a picture of him with a whale plushie.

In the picture, his face is squished against the plushie and Hyungwon is only human, so even though he is annoyed at Minhyuk for tricking him into facing Jooheon, he still sends him a heart emoji.

***

In February, they celebrate Souyou’s birthday in a different restaurant and Hyungwon witnesses a much more loose Souoyu whose bossy nature vanishes as she drinks. Her sharp sarcasm has everyone in tears from laughter. Minhyuk is cackling while batting at Hyungwon as Souyou does an impression of Brian. Hyungwon pins his wrist under the table to save his arm. Minhyuk, like the absolute lightweight he is, is already tipsy so he tugs his arm away and instead holds Hyungwon’s hand in his own.

Hyungwon who can drink Dionysus under the table feels a little lightheaded himself as Minhyuk puts his head on his shoulder while listening to Mark’s exaggerated anecdote, their hands still glued together under the table.

Even though there are no gifts to be bought, they both end up again at the main market, strolling casually, their hands brushing against each other.

***

With each passing day spent in each other’s company, the wounds heal but the caution is still there. The memory of that pain still aches. There is false hope in Hyungwon’s heart which flutters with every too long gaze Minhyuk directs at him but Hyungwon forcefully quashes it because he won’t do this to himself. Not again. Not after Kihyun.

Never again.

***

The month of March gives way to spring. According to Minhyuk, “Nature seems renewed, the trees feel more alive and the flowers more colorful. Butterflies and birds cutting into this concrete jungle to remind humans of their place in nature”. Hyungwon tells Minhyuk that he is peddling a load of bullshit and should probably go easy on the books with flowery language. In response, Minhyuk googles and then recites the sappiest poems about nature written in the entire human history. Hyungwon, cranky after sneezing for the 100th time that day, tells him to spare him and serenade a tree instead.

What are Hyungwon’s thoughts about nature?

Well, the annoying birds annoy him every morning like any other day but somehow in spring, they seem especially annoying. It’s either because birds are evil creatures serving satan or because it’s spring so his allergies are on an all-time high, making him cranky all day every day.

On a rare sneeze-free day, Hyungwon is working alone in the basement, rewatching the scenes that they shot, he is this close to calling Minhyuk because it’s around 10:30 already and Minhyuk is a good boy who is never late. His phone vibrates with a call and it’s an unknown number. Some other day, he would’ve ignored it but today he’s already anxious and his mind is about to give into its overactive imagination, so he picks it up.

“Hello.”

“Minhyuk is sick.”

“Jooheon?”

“Yeah. Minhyuk is sick and he’s getting ready to come there like a dumbass because, apparently, he needs to edit your vlog.”

“Tell him to relax, I’ll just give it to the editors.”

“I already told him that but he is saying that that would compromise his style and he doesn’t want to give editors the extra work.”

“Let me talk to him.”

“Fine.”

There’s some shuffling on Jooheon’s end and then there’s Minhyuk’s voice, hoarse and confused.

“Hyungwon?”

“Yup, that’s me. Minhyuk, go to bed. I’ll give the footage to the editors. They’re familiar with your style, they’ll do it.”

“That’s not their job though.”

“It’s literally their job description. In fact, it’s you who have been doing their job.”

“Nuh-uh. I am coming.”

“No, you’re not. You sound like you are ready to keel over any second.”

“If I want to keel, then I’ll keel. What’s it to you?” Ahhh, there’s that stubborn streak which isn’t as endearing right now as it is some times.

“Christ, okay, listen. What if I send you the footage? Just edit it at home. How about that?”

“No. I need your input as well. That’s the whole point of me editing the footage.”

“You are making this unnecessarily difficult. I’ll just send you my comments via email, text, slack or we can just facetime, you know? There are many modes of communication that are our privilege as a part of modern society, we should utilize that.”

“That will hamper my whole editing process. I need you there at the moment, answering the questions that I have AT THE MOMENT.”

“Don’t scream. Your voice sounds horrible as it is.”

“You’re horrible as it is.”

Before Hyungwon can retort “No, you”, Jooheon snatches the phone away from Minhyuk.

“I can’t believe that I am saying this but can you come here? Just work together and then leave.”

“Uhh, I can if that’s what Minhyuk wants.”

“Don’t worry about Minhyuk. I’ll be here.”

Jooheon has no time for frivolities such as Hyungwon’s response so he hangs up immediately. Even though ‘I’ll be here’ sounds like a threat, Hyungwon agrees.

Convincing Souyou is easy when she is busy and the only thing on her mind is getting the show out tomorrow which Hyungwon has nothing to do with. Out of the goodness of his heart, he informs everyone else as well and all he gets for his benevolence is unsolicited advice on how to take care of a sick Minhyuk which he promptly disregards. Soon, he is on the bus, looking at the address that Jooheon texted him.

Hyungwon has no hope of reuniting with Minhyuk’s honey-bee. The murderous glare that Jooheon gives Hyungwon as he opens the door informs him that there is no love lost from Jooheon’s side either. Hyungwon has no chance of asking anything to a suited-up slicked back hair Jooheon who just swirls on his feet and leaves Hyungwon at the door with no invitation. Hyungwon follows him in anyway.

“Did you bring the footage?”

“Of course. That’s what I am here for.” Nope, he didn’t. He dropped the footage at the editors. He’s just here to stop Minhyuk from being a dumbass.

“Yeah, that’s what you are here for, remember that,” says Jooheon while leading him into the main hall. “I finally convinced him to get some rest. He’s sleeping right now. He’ll probably wake up in an hour or so, you can work then.” He collects his wallet and watch from the table. “There’s some soup in the fridge. Heat it up for him even if he says he isn’t hungry. I bought medicines as well, they are on the kitchen counter, give him that as well. Keep checking his temperature, the thermometer is in his bedside table drawer.” He puts his watch on and runs a hand through his hair, his voice sounding tired. “I have to leave but I’ve called Changkyun. He’ll be here by 6, you can leave then.”

“Alright.” Hyungwon isn’t one to spare his words where they don’t matter.

“Yeah, I’ll be going then. Oh, one last thing, don’t enter his room before he comes out. Don’t do anything weird to him while he is sleeping.”

What the fuck?

Did Hyungwon hear him right?

What the actual fuck?

After he calms down, Hyungwon would admit that perhaps he was a tad bit too defensive but at that moment, Jooheon’s implication rings in his ear and he can feel his face heating up from anger. His blood rushes to his face, his pulse thumping with repressed rage.

“Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?”

Jooheon who had been adjusting his watch looks up, his frown lets Hyungwon know that his tone isn’t appreciated. “I said what I said. Don’t enter his room until he comes out and invites you himself.”

“No, I get what you said. I am capable of comprehending the English language but don’t set such a high bar for me, Jooheon. I might fall short and molest him in his sleep,” Hyungwon deadpans.

Jooheon sighs. “Look, dude. I didn’t mean any offense. I am just looking out for Minhyuk.”

“Are you though? Because, to my ears, it just sounds like you are too busy hating me.”

“So, what if I am? You haven’t exactly been the best guy to Minhyuk in the past.”

“Maybe.” He’s not going to stand here and justify his relationship with Minhyuk to other people but that doesn’t mean they can just tell him off and get away with it. He is not going to take criticism from anyone who is not Minhyuk. “Our past is just that, our past. It’s between me and Minhyuk. Regardless, whatever have I done that you think it’s okay to invite me here and then, basically, call me a molester?”

Jooheon stares at Hyungwon whose defenses are in full-force, his face probably red. He closes his eyes tightly before opening them slowly. “I am sorry, you’re right. I shouldn’t have said that. Minhyuk trusts you and I trust Minhyuk. I wasn’t thinking, I am sorry.”

Hyungwon wants to tear into him but his sincerity leaves no room for Hyungwon’s anger so he deflates and just nods stoically.

At the door, Hyungwon leans against the door frame, his posture still defensive. He is about ready to slam the door shut after Jooheon but Jooheon has other plans. His lips jut out slightly, much like Minhyuk’s when he is in some shit. His eyes stray from Hyungwon’s face, his rough veneer giving way to his soft core. “Can you not tell Minhyuk about this?”

“I wasn’t going to. Snitches get stitches.”

There’s no retort, no smile, nothing but there’s a nod, and Hyungwon takes it.

Hyungwon is lying on the couch sideways, laptop in his lap. His fingers are moving rapidly to type out all the jokes that he had in mind for his new set when Minhyuk’s voice startles him from his work-induced trance.

“Hyungwon?”

Minhyuk is standing at his door, upper body completely wrapped in a blanket. His eyes are barely open, his uneven blink even more noticeable. There is a red blush on his face that tells Hyungwon that he might be running a high fever, a confused pout betraying his sluggishness.

Looking at Minhyuk makes Hyungwon realize that he is a bad person because the first thought that enters Hyungwon’s mind is ‘Fuck, he looks so sexy.’ rather than ‘Poor boy sick. Must help.’

Hyungwon clears his throat. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“You came?”

“Nah, you are hallucinating.”

Minhyuk tilts his head, his soft pout doing things to Hyungwon’s heart. “Am I?”

“Yup.”

“Hyungwon!” Minhyuk cries and then he is stomping towards him. Hyungwon puts his laptop on the drawing table in front of the couch, ready to block Minhyuk’s attacks who, even on a good day, hits his arm without any mercy.

Instead of hitting him though, Minhyuk sits down on him as you do on a couch. Hyungwon cries in pain when Minhyuk bounces on him. Minhyuk promptly gets up, and triumphantly announces, “Hallucinations don’t feel pain!” There is a smug expression on his face as he looks down at Hyungwon who is clutching his stomach in pain.

Hyungwon gets up slowly, his arms wrapped around his stomach. “Is that how you welcome all your guests or am I just special?”

He expects a smart comeback or another hit on his arm, what he doesn’t expect is Minhyuk walking towards him and letting his weight fall on Hyungwon. Hyungwon prefers to live his life vertically so he immediately wraps his arm around burrito Minhyuk to keep them both upright.

“I want to die, Hyungwon.” A muffled sound comes from his chest.

“Or you could take your medicines and get some rest.”

Minhyuk hands clutch Hyungwon’s shirt. “I’ll rest when I am dead.”

Hyungwon takes a step back, holding Minhyuk’s shoulder to keep him in place, and puts his hand on Minhyuk’s forehead. “You’ll be dead when you are dead. Christ, you’re burning.” He loosens his grip and immediately Minhyuk is back in his former position.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

Minhyuk drags him into his room by hand as if Hyungwon would ever need physical force to follow him.

“103 degrees. I can’t believe you were willing to come to the office. I would’ve taken sick leave for just a cold.” Standing over a horizontal Minhyuk, Hyungwon announces this in his most stern tone, effectively ignoring his puppy eyes.

“No, you wouldn’t have. I saw you working last week while sneezing so hard every other second.”

“That was just my allergies acting up. That’s different. I am going to heat some soup, you’re going to eat it, and then you’ll take your medicines.”

“Okay, give me the footage. I am going to edit it, then I am going to sleep forever.”

“Soup, first.”

“Yes, MUM.”

Hyungwon heats up the soup and feeds it to Minhyuk who refuses to take his hands out of the blanket.

He doesn’t even take a sip before he starts whining. “This soup tastes so yucky. Can’t you make some airplane noises to make it taste less...yucky?”

“No. Eat your soup, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk huffs and pouts so Hyungwon finally makes a whimpering sound from his mouth for his listening pleasure.

“That doesn’t sound like an airplane flying.”

“It isn’t. The plane crashed. That was the sound of the last person on it dying.”

Hyungwon says this to end their conversation but sick Minhyuk is even more curious and attentive. He tilts his head again, his gaze moving from the spoon in Hyungwon’s hand to Hyungwon’s face. “What was their last thought?”

“Whose?”

“The last person dying on that airplane.”

“I should’ve made that dress out of human skin while I had the chance.”

“Why do they want to make dresses out of human skin? Do they have the resources to make it?”

Hyungwon sighs and then he is making up a tale about a man and his chronicles as an unsuccessful serial killer while shoving soup in Minhyuk’s mouth. Once empty, he puts away the dishes in the sink and comes back with the medicines and a glass of water.

“Then, what happens?”

“Eat your medicine first.”

Hyungwon is sitting beside Minhyuk who has now made Hyungwon a part of his blanket burrito, both of them huddled together. Hyungwon somehow finds himself spinning a tale of a serial killer and his complicated relationship with his family. Minhyuk lies down as Hyungwon talks about this fictitious serial killer’s childhood, his head on Hyungwon’s thighs, eyes closed.

“I am feeling cold. Lie down with me?” Minhyuk whispers.

“Uh, sure.”

He lies down beside Minhyuk, careful to put a little distance between them which immediately disappears as Minhyuk tugs his left arm to put it below his head and uses it as a pillow, his whole body curling into Hyungwon.

“So, Regina crashes their private plane because she couldn’t let him roam free but she also realizes her role as an enabler. Some would say that this wasn’t justice, that George deserved to suffer but others would argue that Regina was the real culprit and George was just a child of neglect. In the end, both die and George’s last thought becomes symbolic of a human mind that is beyond reparation.”

Hyungwon stops running his hand through Minhyuk’s hair and taps him lightly on the head to indicate the end. When no reaction comes, and the loose grip on his shirt doesn’t tighten, he realizes that he had been babbling about a serial killer and his desires to himself for the last few minutes like a madman. Great.

Gently, he gets out of the blanket, careful to not disturb Minhyuk who doesn’t stir, his one hand curled into a fist.

Some habits never change.

Around two hours later, he’s sitting on the bed, above the blankets, a book in his hand, when the lump starts showing signs of life. Soon, a sweaty Lee Minhyuk emerges from his cocoon. He throws away the blanket, his pout of despair fierce in its force.

“Hyungwon?”

“Minhyuk?”

“Prince?”

“Princess?”

“Grumpy?”

“Sunshine?”

Minhyuk smiles like Hyungwon has laid out the world for him to walk on, and Hyungwon probably would’ve if the world deserved to be beneath Lee Minhyuk’s feet.

“I used to think that you’re magic.”

“Yeah? I still think that you’re magic.”

“Do you?”

“Yup. When I look at you being stubborn, you remind of an old crone with a flying broomstick. That’s magic.”

Minhyuk groans. “You wouldn’t die if you gave someone a genuine compliment.”

“I think you’re the cutest, the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I think we’ll be closer to world peace if you asked everyone to end wars with your pout.”

Minhyuk stares at Hyungwon in surprise so Hyungwon groans loudly while shutting his eyes tightly. “Oh God, I am dying.”

A feeble arm hits him with no strength as Hyungwon’s ears fill with Minhyuk’s laughter.

“Alright, it’s 100 degrees. So, you’re doing better but you still need to rest. Hungry?”

“No. I am feeling better, let’s work now.”

Hyungwon pulls a face. “I didn’t bring the footage. I gave it to the editors.”

“What?! Why? Why did you even come then?”

“You actually think you could’ve worked on that in this condition? You genuinely wondered if I was a hallucination!”

“I was joking! I’ve worked before in worse conditions.”

Here’s the thing, Hyungwon knows that Minhyuk would’ve worked on it, he also knows why Minhyuk needs to work on it. Much like Hyungwon, Minhyuk too has this compulsive need to make sure that everything that comes out with his name on it meets his standards. So, Hyungwon knows that Minhyuk would want to perfect his work even when someone is chopping his arm off on the other side.

“Well, what’s done is done. The editors are working on it and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Of course, you made sure that I can’t do anything about it. Why did you come here then?” Minhyuk huffs.

“So that you could look at a perfect being like me before dying?”

Minhyuk scrunches his nose and Hyungwon mirrors him until finally, the fight leaves Minhyuk.

“I am not hungry but I also can’t sleep anymore.”

“Wanna watch something?”

“Yes, please.”

They binge-watch Veep while sitting on the bed together, a safe distance between them. Minhyuk who rarely wore glasses now, doesn’t bother with lenses and instead pops on these black-framed dorky glasses that keep grabbing Hyungwon’s attention. Half an hour later, they are both lying down on the bed, eyes glued to the screen when Minhyuk shuffles closer to him. He tugs Hyungwon’s arm and wraps it around him, his head finding its place on Hyungwon’s chest again.

They take a break to eat and check Minhyuk’s temperature again and then resume their session in the same intimate position as before.

Before they know, it’s almost 5:30 in the evening. Hyungwon’s phone vibrates. It’s Changkyun who tells him that he’ll be there in half an hour and asks them if they want anything.

Five minutes past six, Hyungwon opens the door to Changkyun who comes in with two pizza boxes in his hand. Hyungwon takes away the boxes and acts as if he is about to shut the door. “Thanks.”

“What the?”

“Oh sorry. You want a tip, right? I am afraid I don’t have change on me right now. Next time?”

Hyungwon waits for Changkyun to whine but instead Changkyun takes out his phone and dials someone. Curious, Hyungwon waits.

“Minhyuk, Hyungwon isn’t letting me enter! I don’t know but he is asking me to role-play as a pizza delivery man. He is even doing the whole ‘I don’t have money, let me repay you in dick” bit. I don’t want this kinky shit.”

Hyungwon groans and lets a smug Changkyun enter.

After raiding Minhyuk’s wardrobe, Changkyun slips in the blanket on Minhyuk’s other side, dressed in a checkered pajama set. Hyungwon resumes his position expecting Minhyuk to stay at Changkyun’s side but Minhyuk surprises him again by wrapping himself around Hyungwon instead. Changkyun looks at them curiously but doesn’t comment. Hyungwon clicks on the next episode and Changkyun hands them a pizza slice each.

Around 8, Hyungwon takes his leave. Changkyun follows him to the door to lock it after him.

“Are you guys dating?”

Changkyun is a funky unpredictable little dude who keeps Hyungwon on his toes but even for him, the question comes out of nowhere.

“What? No, we aren’t dating. Your mind truly works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?”

Changkyun raises an eyebrow. “Why so defensive? I just thought you might have started dating since you guys were literally just melting into each other in there. At one point, Minhyuk’s hand was just a little above your crotch, lying there all casually. And all those inside jokes? I have never felt like a third-wheel in my life before and I’ve been in a threesome where the other two people forgot about my existence.”

Hyungwon wonders why all the crazy is attracted to him. “He is a tactile person. He is also sick, so he is acting even clingier. You could’ve given him a pillow and he would’ve humped it just the sam-”

“Hump? Eww. Did you guys have sex? Did you change the sheets before inviting me there?” Changkyun whines and he has this face that doesn’t give away if he is serious or joking.

Hyungwon rolls his eyes. “Changkyun, my dearest. It was an exaggeration. Like you did with that threesome statement?”

“What exaggeration? That was a true anecdote. You never take me seriously!”

Hyungwon scoffs. “The fuck you are having threesomes at this age for? You are a literal child. This is immoral behavior.”

“I am twenty-two!”

“Exactly! A child! This is disgusting. You should be studying!” Honestly, Hyungwon doesn’t care but riling Changkyun up is always fun.

“Ughhh! Why are you like this? You aren’t my mother. Don’t tell me what to do?”

Hyungwon gasps. “I am sorry that I am concerned for your well-being, young man.”

“Guys?” Minhyuk comes out of his room, probably wondering why Changkyun, a warm body that he can cling to, hadn’t come back.

“Babe, go back. I am coming,” Changkyun says in his gentle deep voice. Hyungwon almost gets a whiplash with how fast he turns his head to look back at Changkyun in incredulity.

“Ahhh, okay. Bye, Hyungwon.”

“Bye, sunshine. Take care.”

Minhyuk goes back and Hyungwon keeps staring at Changkyun, his mind going through all the possibilities he never considered. Changkyun looks at him just as intensely, his face giving nothing away until he breaks into a mischievous smile. Hyungwon breathes out in relief.

“Oh my god! You like him. You so like him. You should have looked at your face!”

“Goodbye, Changkyun.” Hyungwon walks out of the apartment, Changkyun’s words echoing in his mind.

***

On Saturday, the next day, Hyungwon’s mind replays his day with Minhyuk. The way Minhyuk had looked, the way he had looked at Hyungwon, the way he was still a perfect fit against Hyungwon’s chest. The ease that he feels with Minhyuk lying in his arms has magnified even more now that he can’t take it for granted as he did in the past.

He finds himself filing every feeling that he had felt around Minhyuk. The genuine joy that he finds in making Minhyuk laugh, the tingle that goes through his body every time Minhyuk touches him, the utter self-control that he has to practice every time Minhyuk pouts at him.

He thinks about the pain that had seared through him at the mere possibility of Minhyuk dating Changkyun.

On Sunday, he texts Minhyuk asking him how he is feeling with a picture of Pikachu because he is feeling quirky. He doesn’t get a reply but Hyungwon doesn’t mind because by evening, Minhyuk releases ten short videos and it takes Hyungwon by complete surprise. Minhyuk has arranged them into a playlist titled ‘Beethoven’. Hyungwon eagerly opens the first one titled ‘Death by Asteroid’.

Minhyuk is on the keyboard, wearing an oversized hoodie singing about all the good ways to die. The surprising thing is that unlike Minhyuk’s other songs, it’s not recorded in his bedroom but instead, it’s filmed in front of an audience probably at a comedy club. Their tittering laughter makes Minhyuk’s video less artificial and more impactful.

Even though Hyungwon grows slightly concerned by Minhyuk talking about death with such passion, he smiles widely at Minhyuk’s creative ways to get killed. His most favorite is ‘Standing up to the man’ by getting impregnated by an alien, informing the government and then aborting the alien child when they set up research just to waste the government’s time.

All the songs follow Minhyuk’s brand of absurd humor sharpened till every joke hits hard with no gap in between. There must have been transition jokes as well in his set which he has probably edited out and Hyungwon wonders if Minhyuk will show him the original unedited version if he asked for it. Every video ends with a ‘Special thanks to Jooheon and Changkyun for music and being cute’ written on the screen.

In complete contrast to the content of the songs, his singing is soulful and the arrangement on the keyboard addicting, the sound quality crisp. The videos itself have Minhyuk in two different settings indicating that they were two different sets. Hyungwon watches them in one go and then rewatches his favorites. It’s when he is watching ‘How to Ask Your Crush Out’ again that he realizes something. He goes back to all the videos to confirm his suspicion.

Yup, none of the videos have Minhyuk wearing earrings except this one. The earrings that he had gifted Minhyuk on his birthday.

How to ask your crush out, huh?

For the first time in a while, Hyungwon lets himself hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that the next chapter is the final chapter. I promise!
> 
> Let me know if you spot any typos and comments are always appreciated. They make me feel nice, so don't be shy! 
> 
> Twitter: @mellow_minhyuk


	6. Settling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy or not, every story must come to an end.

Years ago, Minhyuk had told Hyungwon that he is an apatheist. Hyungwon himself is an atheist but there has to be a power controlling the universe, holding grudges against him because why else every time Hyungwon lets himself hope, his hopes come crashing down? There has to be a logic here because why else after spending a day in Hyungwon’s arms would Minhyuk shut him out completely. 

On Monday, Hyungwon comes with a renewed energy, his soul a little light with the knowledge that him dating Minhyuk isn’t as unattainable as it seemed. His nose is stuffy again but it doesn’t bring him down. He greets the writers happily who greet him back, their faces shocked to witness a less grumpy Hyungwon during spring. He skips to the basement and chirps ‘Good morning, Sunshine’ at Minhyuk. 

Minhyuk gives him a slight smile, says ‘Morning’ absentmindedly and immediately goes back to work. This startles Hyungwon who had gotten used to Minhyuk’s enthusiastic greetings. 

“Are you feeling better now?” He is probably feeling sick, Hyungwon thinks. 

“Oh, yeah. Thank you for looking after me,” Minhyuk says, a polite smile on his face. 

The polite smile, the mild tone all indicate that he is being shut out but that can’t be right. If he had read Minhyuk’s hint all wrong, even then they were at least friends. There has to be another explanation.

“Are you okay? You might still have a fever.” Hyungwon extends his hand towards Minhyuk’s forehead to check his temperature but Minhyuk swats his hand away, his whole body flinching. 

Hyungwon holds the hand that Minhyuk hit, still not processing what just happened. There must be a dumbfounded expression on his face which makes Minhyuk take pity on him and clarify. "I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hit your hand. I just...I don’t like people touching me.” 

It’s such a simple statement. A simple statement that echoes something that Hyungwon had heard him say before to Brian. Although instead of saying ‘strangers’, he says ‘people’ which Hyungwon guesses is a small concession that should relieve him. But it doesn’t because throughout their time here, ‘touch’ has been an integral part of their relationship. 

Sitting beside each other while working to let their thighs touch even though there is room to sit apart. Their hands brushing against each other when they go to the bus stand. Their shoulders pressed together as they sit beside each other on the bus sharing earphones. Minhyuk tapping his cheek fondly, Hyungwon ruffling his hair teasingly, so many subtle touches that he can’t put in words. 

What about the time that Minhyuk had held his hand under the table? 

Hell, what about just a few days back, when Minhyuk had pressed his whole body against his. 

_ I don’t like people touching me. _

Just when Hyungwon had foolishly given into his hopes.

_ I don’t like people touching me. _

What can you even say to that? 

“Alright. My bad.” 

He doesn’t ask for explanations, if Minhyuk had felt like giving him an explanation then he would have. Right now, all it would do is drive Minhyuk even further. He has to be realistic now. He had let himself get swept up by fantasies and it’s time to come back to earth. 

He scoots his chair further away before sitting down. “I think we should change Bora’s dialogue for this week’s vlog. They feel kinda forced.” Minhyuk doesn’t look at him, he just nods while looking at the script. 

Hyungwon puts his game face on and promises himself to never hope again. 

While going to the bus-stand, they walk separately with Minhyuk taking the lead and Hyungwon following his steps. Hyungwon gets on the bus and doesn’t look for Minhyuk. He already knows that Minhyuk is going to skip this one. 

***

Even though Hyungwon tells himself to not hope, deep inside he can’t seem to snuff out this little flame of conviction that keeps burning in him. It tells him that Minhyuk is probably going through something, that he is going to come back and everything will be alright again. 

Two weeks pass by, Minhyuk continues to behave normally with everyone but him. Hyungwon’s constant cold takes a toll on him and he takes a sick leave. The next day, everyone including Minhyuk asks him about his health.

His tone is so business-like that Hyungwon doesn’t bother to tell him that he still feels under the weather. So, he sneezes and coughs but doesn’t give Minhyuk the satisfaction of talking first. 

Fortunately for their passive-aggressiveness, even though they don’t act like friends, they do work as a team. They don’t give Souyou a chance to scold them again even if there are a few raised eyebrows whenever they work with the others, their usual playful banter conspicuously missing. 

During the same weekend, he curls into himself under the blanket as his body shivers. Love, he realizes, is bullshit. His whole life he was made to believe that there will be a person who will complete him, as he grew up he changed that definition to someone who’ll make him happy. Someone who’ll laugh at his jokes, someone who’ll make him laugh, someone who he can laugh with. Fortunately, he found that kind of love thrice. Unfortunately, he seems to have something missing in him to keep those loves.

This has to stop. This is hurting him so much. His heart is a mess and so is his head. He can’t go on like this. He feels drained physically, emotionally, mentally. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be so complicated. Maybe just like Kihyun, Hyungwon and Minhyuk were never meant to be. Maybe he isn’t meant for anyone and that’s okay. He will take being alone any day over this daily heartbreak. 

It wouldn’t have been this bad if he hadn’t let himself hope. That’s the root of everything bad in his life, isn’t it? Hope. It would have hurt but not so much, not so deeply that his head, heart, soul everything aches like a deadly wound. He has to stop hoping. He has to stop looking for love where there is none. There is no romantic love for him in Minhyuk’s heart. 

Maybe Minhyuk relapsed during those months, maybe all he needed was Hyungwon’s proper touch to realize his hate for Hyungwon again. Perhaps, there’s no redemption for a man who breaks your heart. You can forgive but you can’t forget. Unless there’s a reset button out there, Minhyuk and Hyungwon will never be.

Hoping for Minhyuk’s love was the most illogical thing his logical brain had done but now it’s time to come back to his senses again. Some stories just don’t have a happy ending. The sooner he accepts it, the sooner he’ll move on. 

This pining has to stop. Hyungwon needs to stop it before someone gets hurt. He doesn’t want a Minhyuk and Kihyun 2.0 fiasco. This has gone long enough. Hyungwon has to stop himself from going any further than he already has. He has to stop looking for clues where there are none. Stupid earrings are just that, stupid earrings. They mean nothing. Their touches, their smiles, their glances mean nothing. To Minhyuk, Hyungwon probably means nothing.

They are coworkers, nothing more and nothing less. Even though Minhyuk suffocates him in their small room, in the future, Minhyuk will be out of his space and his life. They will drift apart as work acquaintances tend to do and maybe he’ll be able to breathe again. He’ll move on. He did in the past. He will do it again. 

If there’s someone meant for him, then he’ll let them come to him this time around. But, for now, this has to stop. He needs to get out of this place where Minhyuk clogs his senses. The tears in his eyes flow and he just wipes them silently, not even a whimper audible and promises himself a future that is less hurtful. 

***

A month passes by. The laughter that had become a part of their small world gets replaced by a silence that rings in Hyungwon’s ears. 

_ But, it’s okay because Hyungwon has stopped listening. _

There are no touches, no stolen glances, no grins, nothing. 

_ But, it’s okay because Hyungwon has stopped feeling. _

They talk for work but nothing more. Hyungwon starts walking ahead of Minhyuk and doesn’t see if Minhyuk took the same bus or not. 

_ But, it’s okay because Hyungwon has stopped hoping. _

***

The numbness sees him in his renaissance in that he writes new material like a madman. He loses himself in a haze of shows, movies and books so that he doesn’t have any time to hope. Inspiration hits him from everywhere and he writes day and night. He performs stand-up twice a week. Every open mic at every restaurant, lounge, bar, and club witnesses his sets. He tweaks his joke until every joke is an arrow carved out for perfection, aligned with perfect speed, and pushed by just the right force. 

He performs because his life feels stagnant but for those few minutes when he is on the stage, and people laugh and clap for him, it feels as if there’s more to his life, that this isn’t it, that he has to stay strong and weather this because things will move again and they will get better. This feeling anchors him and the flame of hope that had burned for Minhyuk, burns for this feeling now. 

***

The next turn comes in April in the form of a ticket out of his rut. Hyungwon had just gotten off the stage after performing and was nursing a glass of whiskey, lost in his thoughts, he tries to recall the characters of Avatar and finds that he doesn’t remember shit from that movie. 

“A penny for your thoughts?”

“Huh?” Hyungwon looks up and sees a man smiling at him. The wrinkles around the corner of his eyes tell him that he is older than Hyungwon but that’s it. He can’t really tell his age because his smile makes him look younger than he probably is. It’s impossibly charming and Hyungwon, who is forever a sucker for beautiful smiles, becomes lost in it for a second. 

“Ahh, nothing. Just thinking about stuff.” 

The man smiles. “That was a good set. I can tell that you’ve worked hard.”

“Yeah? Thanks.” People sometimes come over to talk to him after his set, so it’s nothing new. Sometimes they come over to give their critique and at other times to ask him out. He wonders in which category this man is going to fall into. 

“I am John.” 

“Your parents sound like creative people.” 

John laughs and takes the chair beside Hyungwon. 

“What do you do, Hyungwon?” 

“No, John with creative parents, tell me what _ you _ do?” he slurs. Hyungwon isn’t drunk by any means. He rarely gets drunk in public but sometimes he just slurs his voice and acts drunk for shits and giggles. “Also, how is your sister Jane doing?” 

John just smiles at him as if he can see right through his act. “Well, I am a comedian as well.” 

“Uh-huh. You any good?”

“Well, I am semi-popular.” That’s not what I asked, you dingus. “In fact, I am headlining a tour in June. We are currently scouting for an opener. A friend of mine recommended your act and told me that I’ll find you here. I’ve watched three of your sets now. I must say that I am impressed.” 

“Thanks. Any criticism since you’re ‘semi-popular’.” Hyungwon asks only half-mocking. 

“Well, comedy is subjective. I liked your stuff though. But the road is a great teacher, way better than me or someone else. So, what do you think?” 

“Give me your number. I’ll ask my agent.” He doesn’t have an agent or any interest, to be honest, but it never hurts to get numbers from semi-popular handsome men.

“Sure.” He takes out a business card out of his pocket which Hyungwon then puts in his wallet without even looking. “Now that’s done, wanna get a drink at my place?” 

John laughs and gets up. “I am sorry. I have a girlfriend.” He bends down, his lips against Hyungwon’s ears. “But, you can come on my tour and we’ll see. There are no rules on the roads after all.” With that, he leaves, and Hyungwon laughs at his own bad luck. Even a random hook-up came with the complications of another relationship. Great. 

The card stays forgotten in his wallet for a while.

*** 

After stand-up, if there’s anything else that makes him feel something for a few seconds is sex. Sex with Seola, to be exact. They hook up regularly. Their friends-with-benefits arrangement works as wonderfully as it did in college. Hyungwon feels less scared with Seola because she doesn’t take his shit but also because it’s raw, simple and unproblematic. There is no romantic relationship and neither is the potential for one, something that both parties agree on. 

It’s a simple pleasure. At least it is until Seola tells Hyungwon that they should stop. 

On a bright May morning, Hyungwon wakes up in Seola’s bed alone. He does his whole morning ritual and then goes out of her room to find her before leaving. Usually, their weekends constitute Seola waking him up by taking up all the space and hogging the sheets. He doesn’t understand how does such a small body manages to do that but Seola defies physics. 

So, usually, he wakes up on the edge of the bed, his sheets wrapped around Seola but not today. Hyungwon who needs a routine in his life already feels a bit disoriented by this irregularity so when he spots Seola sitting in the balcony, a cold cup of tea beside her feet, he already feels like something bad is coming. 

She points to the chair opposite him when she sees him. He sits down, feeling a bit anxious.

“I think we should stop.” 

“Okay.” Hyungwon says this immediately because, honestly, what else is the correct answer?

“That’s it?” Seola laughs. The bitterness in her tone surprises Hyungwon. 

“I don’t know what else to say right now. You want to stop, that’s okay, I guess. Is there something else that I should say?”

Seola sighs, her eyes far away now. “No. You aren’t supposed to. No strings attached, right?”

“Right,” Hyungwon says slowly, still not sure about what’s happening. Seola stares at him, her eyes begging Hyungwon to understand what her mouth can’t say and it finally clicks. 

Hyungwon hangs his head. “I am sorry.” 

A soft hand comes up to pat his head but he still doesn’t look up. “It’s OKAY. It’s not your fault.” 

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t look up either. He just lets his head hang with all the thoughts in his head. God, how does he manages to do this? How does he manages to hurt every person who loves him? This is the third person he touched and loved who got hurt because of him. At this point, it has to be something about him. Isn’t he doing the same exact thing to Seola that he did to Minhyuk all those years ago? Pining after someone unavailable and losing what’s in front of him. He has to stop hurting people because of his selfi-

“Stop whatever you are thinking. It’s not your fault. You told me in the beginning that you liked someone else. I just got attached to the first person that I had sex with after my break up. It’s on me. It’s not your fault. Stop with your self-pity bullshit, okay?” 

Hyungwon looks up because Seola’s voice trembles and sure enough there are tears in her eyes. Hyungwon shakes his head, a self-deprecating expression on his face. 

“No, stop it, Hyungwon. I am not in love with you. I just got attached. It’s just...you are everywhere. You are the smell on my bed sheet, you are the chocolate in my fridge, you are the spare toothbrush in my bathroom, you are...everywhere. So, we have to stop before it’s too late and I forget how to separate you from me. I don’t want to fall in love with you, Chae Hyungwon. That’s all.” 

Hyungwon keeps looking at her because even if her mouth says that she wants to stop before she falls in love, her eyes say that she already has. 

“Just...just hug me, you bastard.” 

So Hyungwon hugs her and tells himself that this cycle has to end. He knows what it’s like to suffocate because of someone’s presence and much like Seola, it’s time for him to take charge and cut Minhyuk out from his everyday life. 

***

He calls Changkyun, the secret social butterfly of his group, and asks him if he can get him in contact with a relevant agent. Within a week, he has an agent who tells him that opening for John, who is actually quite popular, is an opportunity that he can’t miss if he wants to be a stand-up comedian. 

His agent is a short stoic man by the name of Kyungsoo who gives Hyungwon serial killer vibes until he smiles and then he gives a charming serial killer vibes. His aura is similar to Souyou in the way that they both wouldn’t mind whooping Hyungwon’s ass if it meant that his mouth would talk more business and less nonsense. 

Even though his face remains stoic, there are dollar signs in Kyungsoo’s eyes as he looks at the videos of Hyungwon stand up and then listens to his story of how he was approached by John. Kyungsoo calls the number on the card that John gave him and tells him that the tour would go for six months, a short break after three and when Hyungwon asks how much he’ll be paid, he tells him that he’ll negotiate first and then tell him. 

A day later, he gets the amount per gig and the total amount which is almost twice the amount of salary he would get in six months at his current pay grade.

He counts the pros. 

_Good money._

_Exposure._

_Experience. _

_He’ll get to do what he enjoys the most. _

_Getting away from Minhyuk. _

He counts the cons as well.

_Change, something he hates more than anything._

_Uncertain career after six months._

He thinks some more and then writes ‘losing Minhyuk’. 

It’s the last point on both lists that seals the deal. 

The next day, he goes into Souyou’s cabin and tells her that he wants to give his one month notice. Souyou, ever the no-nonsense boss, asks him why and they have a long chat about his aspirations and future career. In the end, she sighs and says that she would love for him to stay but Hyungwon should go where he wants to. She informs him that he’ll have to write an application, and submit it to HR. 

He goes through the formalities at the office and on the flip side, he signs a contract for his gig with John. It’s only when he gets confirmation from both sides does he inform the others. He talks with them about his decision and John. Upon hearing John’s name, Jaebum smirks and Hyungwon realizes that it was him who must have recommended his name to John. He thanks him but Jaebum just shrugs it off. 

All this while, he doesn’t look at Minhyuk and, in return, Minhyuk doesn’t speak a word. 

Hyungwon has stopped hoping, so he is not disappointed when Minhyuk still behaves like they are just mere co-workers even when Hyungwon would be leaving his life in a month. 

No, he is not disappointed. 

Not at all. 

***

Their work schedule becomes more hectic as they work even harder to produce more content in a month. They decide to tie loose ends and wrap up the vlog series as season one so that they can begin anew without Hyungwon for season 2. In the last week, Hyungwon films a video talking about how he is leaving, what is in store for his future and how he is going to miss everyone. It’s a video that Minhyuk suggests since the audience gets attached to the main characters. 

He decides to attend the last writing session with Brian who ribs him even harder now that he knows his decision but Hyungwon just smiles. The thought that he won’t have to attend another writing session being polite to Brian definitely helps in making his smile wider.

For the last segment of ‘The Joke that couldn’t be’ he brings in his A-game with the most offensive jokes. The last vlog that they shoot for season one ends with Hyungwon leaving for a farm because he accidentally married a goat and wanted the best environment for his goat husband. It’s a whole thing for which they actually film a ceremony with Hyungwon and a goat in a veil. Out of all the things that he did here, this wasn’t even in his top 5 most ridiculous. Ahh, perhaps Minhyuk won’t be the only thing that he would miss about this place.

  
  


***

They celebrate Hyungwon’s last day in their favorite restaurant. Jaebum pats his back and tells him that he is going to do great while Souyou tells him that they’ll always have a place for him if he ever wants to come back. Mark, Eunseo, Bora all give these heartfelt speeches that it finally dawns on Hyungwon that he spent almost a year with these talented and hardworking people who care for him so much. 

Jaebum and Souyou who guided him as mentors and taught him how to make his jokes less offensive and funnier. 

Mark and Eunseo who taught him the value of research and hard work. 

Bora who taught him that you could do anything if you had a nice smile and smart googling skills. 

Even Brian who taught him that Hyungwon is capable of dealing with assholes in a professional setting without losing his shit. 

Minhyuk who taught him what’s it like to live and grow for your art, to channel your passion into improving your skills, to dare to make something even if it might fail. 

Minhyuk who taught him how to love and let go. 

He is going to miss others a bit, Minhyuk a lot and Brian not at all. 

***

He still has almost a month before the tour so he spends some time with his mom and her girlfriend. Then, he slacks off at Kihyun and Hoseok’s, spends time with Chankyun, reconnects with Jackson at a party and finds him still the same, meets Seola for drinks at a bar. 

He meets everyone except the person he wants to meet the most, but it’s alright, he’ll live.

*** 

It’s the last day before he is leaving for the first destination on their tour that he receives a text from Minhyuk asking if Hyungwon can come over. 

There’s no please, no bargaining, no reasoning in his text. It’s just a plain question to which Hyungwon almost wants to say no but he doesn’t want to regret not listening to Minhyuk for potentially the last time. He replies with a ‘Yeah, when?’ and goes in the evening as Minhyuk asks him to. 

***

They sit on Minhyuk’s couch, the distance of oceans between them. Hyungwon doesn’t stop himself from looking at Minhyuk to etch every detail into his memory. 

From his long fingers to his sharp cheekbones, from his messy black hair to his knobbly knees, from his olive green hoodie to his black shorts, Hyungwon doesn’t hesitate from memorizing it all because it feels like their story is coming to an end. 

“I think I owe you an apology.” 

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything, doesn’t nod, doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, he just stares at Minhyuk because at the moment it’s absolutely imperative to study everything about him. This is it. This is the end. 

He looks at Minhyuk’s lips quivering. 

_ I’ll miss you so much, Sunshine. _

He looks at Minhyuk fiddling with his fingers.

_ I am so sorry that we couldn’t be. _

He looks at Minhyuk’s downcast eyes.

_ I hope you know that I love you. _

“Hyungwon. I..I love you.” 

Hyungwon inhales sharply, the shock intense enough that it shakes him out of the haze that he had put himself in for the past few months. It feels like he is finally in his body after dissociating for so long. His fingers tremble from the avalanche of feelings Minhyuk’s confession brings. 

A cocktail of chemicals in his body is urging him to walk out, to run away because he had been doing so good and if he sat there Minhyuk will undo all his work. He will tear away the layers of protection to uncover Hyungwon’s vulnerability and then stomp on it because there’s no redemption for a man who breaks your heart. Hasn't he learned this lesson again and again? 

Rationality and the big picture seems to be evading his eyes and all he can think is that he is going to get hurt again if he sat there. But, he doesn’t run away. He just sits there in shock, waiting for the catch.

Minhyuk waits for his response but Hyungwon is too busy resisting the urge to walk out and his mouth just utters, “Yeah?”

Minhyuk nods, eyes searching. “Yeah. I love yo-” 

“You stopped talking to me.” Hyungwon’s brain finally musters what his heart has been bleeding into his thoughts. 

“I did. I am sorry. I just...I got scared. I got scared that if I loved you, you might not love me back. I got scared that even if you do and we date that you might hurt me again. I thought that the only thing that I could do was shut you out.” Minhyuk scoots closer to him but Hyungwon who had been starving for Minhyuk’s voice, Minhyuk’s touch, Minhyuk’s anything for months doesn’t care at the moment because all he sees is red. The avalanche of emotion passes and just leaves anger in its place. 

“No.” 

“Hyungwon?” Minhyuk voice is small and questioning. Hyungwon will cross the seven seas in a storm to see Minhyuk smile but right now he is a volcano that had been dormant for too long.

“I call bullshit.” His voice is loud, bitter and mean and he can see Minhyuk flinching but goddamn, if what he heard isn’t grade-A bullshit, then he doesn’t know what is. 

“You love me so you shut me out? You love me so you hurt me? You love me so you didn’t even deem me worthy enough of a chance? What kind of love is that, Minhyuk? Is that even love?” 

“That’s not fair. You don’t get to define what I feel,” Minhyuk snaps.

Hyungwon tries to calm himself. He needs to repress his hurt and anger to find his logic to debate this. Today, he is going to talk himself out of false hope or he is going to go all in. “You’re right. Maybe it’s love. Why now though? When I am leaving. Where do we go from here?” If there’s one thing that Hyungwon knows by now is that emotions delude, rationale doesn’t. 

“I..I just wanted to let you know before you leave because something tells me this might be the last time I see you.” 

“Understandable. I love you too.” Minhyuk looks at him in complete shock as if he had no inkling about Hyungwon’s feelings. If it had been anyone else but insecure Minhyuk, they would have read love in Hyungwon’s every smile, every word, every action but here is Minhyuk, standing there, looking shell-shocked, as if this possibility never entered his mind. 

“I love you too but you didn’t tell me where do we go from here? You love me but you can’t trust me. I love you but I feel like whenever you look at me, all you see is our past. It feels like there is no room for trust here because you just can’t seem to accept that I have grown. So, tell me, Minhyuk. Where do we go from here?” 

“I...I don’t know.” Minhyuk mumbles, his eyes teary as if he is afraid of saying the wrong thing. Hyungwon promises himself that he is going to scream his frustrations out in a pillow but for now he needs to ask the right questions for their sake because he is tired of shoving his feelings down. He needs to know this because the answer is the end or a new beginning. 

“You love me, you sure about that?” 

“Yes,” Minhyuk says promptly, a little more confidently than before.

“Can you trust me? Because if there’s no trust, there’s no point. I am going on a tour for six months. I won’t be here for more than a few days at a time. I will be out on the road.”

Minhyuk wipes his tears, and there’s a determination in his tone without any fear now. “Yes, I do. When I think of you, I don’t think of the guy who broke my heart instead I think of the guy who makes me laugh.” 

“And?” asks Hyungwon. Even though he isn’t one for long-winded love confessions, their relationship desperately needs one now. 

“You take care of me, you protect me. I love your laugh so much. When you are close to me and you speak in your low voice, I feel shivers run through my body. I always feel heard with you. You calm my anxieties. I feel like we are so...compatible and if I didn’t date you then I will be letting go of my best chance at happiness in a person. You make me happy, you make me feel loved. What more can I say? I feel like I can fight in any war if I have you to return to. If I have you by my side, then I’ll be alright. Does that answer your question?” 

It does. God, it does. Minhyuk’s confession makes him feel warm and he wants to pour his own confession by putting his lips against Minhyuk’s. 

But, Hyungwon is eternally scared of breaking anyone’s heart ever again so his urge to run away from all of this is still there, prodding at him, screaming that this is all wrong. The cracks reappear and tell him that he isn’t ready for this, that he’ll fuck up even worse than before and he needs to back out right now.

When it comes to Minhyuk though, he feels selfish. Even with the possibility that they might end up breaking each other’s hearts, he wants to be with him. So, he presses down on the urge to walk out, pushes every fear away. Instead, he thinks about the next logical step. He needs to make sure that Minhyuk knows what he is getting into even if it means that this might make Minhyuk run away from Hyungwon again. 

“It does but I still have plenty of follow up questions, Sunshine. You ready?” 

Minhyuk nods, that fierce determination never leaving his face.

“My headliner says stuff like 'There are no rules on the road', you trust me with such a guy?”

“I do. You have a problem with authority figures, so you are not gonna like him anyway.” 

“Don’t be a smartass, sunshine. I won’t say ‘I love you’ sincerely again but I might buy you gifts instead.”

“Gifts should be heartfelt though. I won’t let you get away with insincere gifts no matter how expensive they are.” 

Hyungwon looks at him in incredulity, his lips quirking in amusement. “Are you negotiating right now? I am listing all the reasons why this isn’t a good idea! Why are you negotiating?” 

Minhyuk shrugs. “I am going to date you if you agree to date me. We might break up in a month, we might grow old together. Who knows? No relationship is immune. Your warnings are just a cope out which means nothing to me.” 

Hyungwon protests because that’s not it but Minhyuk puts up a hand to stop him. “If you think I don’t know what I am getting into then you are wrong. I am absolutely aware of you and your emotionally constipated ways. Why do I need to listen to warnings before dating you? We already know each other. What are you so scared of, Hyungwon?” 

“I don’t want to hurt you again.” Hyungwon says, eyes not meeting Minhyuk’s. 

“I am a strong person, Hyungwon. I am not a child. You need to stop being scared for me.” 

God, such an obvious statement but it makes everything so simple. Hyungwon needs to stop being scared for Minhyuk. Didn’t he once tell Kihyun that Minhyuk is the stronger one? Hasn’t Minhyuk proved this already?

Hyungwon needs to stop being scared for him or else he would end up becoming a version of himself that never speaks his mind. They deserve each other with their qualities and flaws. They don’t need some perfect version of each other.

There are still some questions that need answering though. 

“Can you tell me what happened? Why did you suddenly stop talking to me?” 

Minhyuk sighs. “You remember when you took care of me when I was sick?” Hyungwon remembers, of course, he does. “You know one of those feelings when you see something cute, and you just have to do something about it like pinch it or something. It just felt like that. I felt so in love, I felt like I was home when you held me. I felt so loved and I felt so in love that when you left I missed you so much and I just had to let you know that I like you. 

So, I released the videos that I was holding back on because I never really knew the right time to drop that. You probably caught the hint. The earrings?” Hyungwon nods. “Yeah, so I dropped that and I fully planned on confessing to you but when I released that, I fully admitted to myself that I love you. It just became something...real? It wasn’t just a fantasy in my head anymore.”

“You got scared?” 

“More or less, yeah. The possibility that we’ll date again became real and it really scared me. I just put myself into this mindset where I talked myself out of it. It was easy to say that you’ll cheat on me again or I’ll become dependent on you and you’ll leave me or you don’t love me and I will end up making a fool out of myself.” 

“Is asking me out that scary?” 

“Everything seemed easier than asking you out. All my insecurities doubled. I felt that I had to cut you out of my life to just get a grip on my mind. I didn’t mean to stretch that silence for so long. I just needed some time but I think I took you for granted? I didn’t want to ask you half-hearted. I thought that you aren’t going anywhere. 

As time passed, it became easier to not talk to you than confess my feelings. There were so many times that I considered telling you all this but then I didn’t know how to start.” 

“You didn’t talk to me even after knowing that I’d be leaving.”

“When that happened, I realized that I was still living in a fantasy where I thought you’ll forever be there and I have all the time in the world to sift through my insecurities but I just felt that it was too late then. What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, I am sorry that I abruptly stopped talking to you but can you date me now that I know you are moving on?’ I got into my head too much. I am sorry.” 

Minhyuk talks and talks, his hands flailing wildly in gestures, and lets all his feelings out. Feelings that he must have kept bottled for so long. His words are hurried as if he needs to let this all out but Hyungwon hears each word clearly and it feels like such a Minhyuk thing to do that he feels stupid for giving up on them so easily. He should have asked these questions sooner. They both have let their past rule their present for too long and it’s now time to think of their future. 

“What changed now?” 

“The possibility that you might leave me behind for good became more real than my imaginary fears. I want you to be in my life.” 

Hyungwon wants to grab Minhyuk and spin him around because Minhyuk has stolen his heart. His confessions are so real and sweet, his tone so genuine that Hyungwon finally dares to hope. He doesn’t feel scared of heartbreak or anything else. He just feels brave. Minhyuk makes him feel brave and hopeful. His anger, his fears, his hurt get overtaken by the hope and love that he had suppressed for so long.

This hope and courage makes him want to fly to the stars and take Minhyuk with him. While he can’t fly, he can spin Minhyuk but he’s pretty sure that his back would give. 

Hyungwon raises his eyebrow, a subtle smirk on his face. “Jesus, all these mushy confessions and you want me to 'be in your life'. Just ask me out already, sunshine.” 

Minhyuk drags his knees up on the couch and wraps his arms around them, his irresistible pout making a comeback. “You ask _ me _ out.” Hyungwon rolls his eyes, and scoots closer because there will be enough time to tease things out of Minhyuk later but for now he needs verbal confirmation. 

He holds Minhyuk’s face in his hands and wipes his wet cheeks with his thumbs. In Minhyuk’s eyes, he sees his hope reflected. “I am still going on a tour tomorrow. You chill with a long-distance relationship?” 

Minhyuk nods, his eyes stuck on Hyungwon’s lips, tracing each word with his eyes. “Yeah, I am chill. The chillest.” 

Hyungwon mimics him and nods his head in the same rhythm. “Sweet. Wanna date then?” 

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Ye-” 

Hyungwon surges forward, his hand behind Minhyuk’s head, and after millennia their lips meet again. 

***

_ 6 months later _

Hyungwon gets out of the taxi but not before arranging his hair in the driver’s rearview mirror. Satisfied, he nods at the driver and turns on his feet to look at the various houses on the street. Christ, what’s up with these fancy houses? Jooheon must be rolling in cash. He takes out his phone and dials Changkyun. 

Changkyun picks his phone on the second ring, his deep voice cutting through the noise in the background. 

“Punk, what’s the house number?” 

“You here?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Wait, I will come out to get you.” 

“Just tell me the house number.” 

“No, I need to talk to you first.” 

“Ughh, fine. I am standing near the first turn on the right.” 

“That’s far. Just come up, the house number is A-86, it’s the last one on the street from your side. I’ll stay on the line.” 

“Lazy much?” 

Hyungwon glances upward at the dark night sky before crossing the street and then starts walking. 

“Whatever. How was tour?” 

“Eh. I loved it as much as I hated it. I’ll tell you more when we meet up.” 

Changkyun, spoiled for eternity by Hyungwon and Kihyun, huffs. “No, tell me something now. It’s a long street.” 

“Well. I learned about life. You know how there’s Starbucks here at every corner and I hate it? Well, kid, when you are on the road and you go to places that are in the middle of fucking nowhere, you’ll find yourself missing the comfort of Starbucks and its mediocre coffee. There’s a deep metaphor here somewhere.” 

“Interesting stuff. You should write a book.” Changkyun says, his tone dry as if this is the most pretentious shit he had heard in a while and he will personally burn any book that Hyungwon writes. 

“I am almost there, so now’s the time to say what you want.” 

“Did you get Minhyuk a gift?” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t bring it here. I dropped it at my house.”

“What? Why? You should have brought it here. You’re starting a new phase in your relationship. Ughh, be romantic!”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes and stops in front of the door. 

“Why would I bring a sex-swing to Jooheon’s party?”

Changkyun makes a retching sound. 

“I am a gift in myself. I’ll put a ribbon on my dick if Minhyuk insists on a gift then and there.” 

“You are disgusting, bye!” 

“Punk, wait! Open the door. I am not ringing the bell. I want to surprise Minhyuk.” 

“Finally, some romance.” 

“Just open the door.” 

“Coming!” 

Hyungwon hangs up the phone, and moments later, the door opens to reveal a red-haired Changkyun who glomps him on site. 

Hyungwon tsks but wraps his arm around him. “Missed me, kid?” 

They separate. “You wish. Minhyuk is in the backyard alone. Drink?” Hyungwon follows him in and inside people are dancing, eating, is that…? Are they playing snakes and ladders? He spots Jooheon sitting on the floor and painting a girl’s nails. Christ, is Jooheon throwing a party or a sleepover? Jooheon catches his eye and nods, Hyungwon nods back. 

Changkyun pulls off an impressive Moses as people part for him to give way without him even asking.

“Later. What’s he doing there alone?” 

“He kinda doesn’t know anyone except me and Jooheon. The music was giving him a headache. A girl spilled a drink on him, a guy asked him out, you know just fun housewarming party stuff.”

Hyungwon makes a show of looking around. “Fun, you say? It must be fun since one tenant is painting nails and the other is sitting outside alone.” 

Changkyun makes a face and opens the back door with a key and then hands it to Hyungwon. “Lock the door, but don’t be gross, okay? Be romantic. Bye!” 

Hyungwon nods and locks the door carefully behind him. His intention is to not alert Minhyuk of his presence but it turns out there was no need for caution because Minhyuk is lying flat on the grass, his eyes partially open, hands clenched in a fist. 

For a minute, Hyungwon just looks at him, and absorbs him in all his glory. It has been three months since he last saw his sunshine. His blonde hair has grown longer, currently spread around his head like a halo, his lips are pursed even in his sleep, his breathing rough. He is wearing blue jeans and his white t-shirt is riding up, giving Hyungwon an enticing view of his waist.

In the moonlight, his face plays with shadows and he looks ethereal. Hyungwon feels charmed, smitten, drunk in love and utterly surprised at his luck. 

His steps lead him to Minhyuk’s side, grass crunching with each light step until he kneels and sits behind him. He lifts Minhyuk’s head to put it in his lap.

Gentle. Gentle. Gentle.

Minhyuk, who isn’t a light sleeper by any means as Hyungwon’s rare morning calls that go unanswered can attest, starts blinking his eyes rapidly. 

“Huhh?” 

“Hi, sunshine.” 

“Hyungwon?” 

“Yup, sexy guy Hyungwon, that’s what they call me.” 

Minhyuk sits up and then pushes Hyungwon’s shoulder until he is lying flat on his back and straddles him. Hyungwon feels glad that even sluggish with sleep, Minhyuk is turned on by his presence. It would have been sexy if Minhyuk hadn’t been yawning and rubbing his eyes. Oh, who is he kidding? It’s still sexy or maybe Hyungwon is just horny. 

“I thought you would be late.” Voice sweeter than honey, and sensual than the dark caverns of the deep sea. 

“Surprise?” 

There it is, that sunshine smile. A bit sleepy but still bright. 

Hyungwon turns his face to both sides, there’s nothing and no one except this wonderful boy currently straddling him. “Look at all these people in this party. You’ve become such a party-boy in my absence.” 

Minhyuk pouts and, damn, he can’t believe he managed to leave this man three months ago. It had been difficult with Minhyuk clutching his shirt at the airport, folding himself until his face was against Hyungwon’s chest. How did he do it? How will he ever do it again? He might just have to pack him up in his bag from now on.

“I was getting a headache.” 

“You are getting a lot of headaches recently. Get your eyes checked.” 

“I will.” Minhyuk bends and pins Hyungwon’s hand above his head, his eyes moving between every feature of Hyungwon’s face. “I think you look really hot when you side part your hair.” 

“Yeah? I think you look really hot when you talk about how hot I am.” Minhyuk’s hands leave his arm to pinch his cheeks lightly. 

“I think you should stop being lame, and kiss me instead.” 

“They say for every nerd Youtuber working as a writer, there’s a cool stand up comedian on the rise, would you kiss yours?” Hyungwon says this as a nod to their first meeting. He expects Minhyuk to give him a shy smile or make the same retort as he did years ago or just smack his head. Instead, Minhyuk taps a finger on his chin acting as if he is thinking deeply.

“Is John here?” 

Hyungwon groans and puts his hands on Minhyuk’s hips under his t-shirt. “Don’t utter another man’s name while straddling your boyfriend, blondie. That’s no way to talk dirty.” 

Minhyuk giggles, a sound he hasn’t heard in person in three months. “I think we should make out now.” 

“Oh my, in public? How scandalous. I would nev-” Minhyuk shuts him up by kissing him, his hands unbuttoning Hyungwon’s shirt. Hyungwon hasn’t touched his boyfriend in three months so he decides to leave the banter and the stories for another day and drags Minhyuk even closer. Minhyuk, who has been sitting on his crotch, wiggles to adjust, and Hyungwon gulps.

Minhyuk smirks back giving away his charade of innocence. “Did you bring me a gift, prince?” 

“Of course. I want it in your pants after all, princess.” 

Minhyuk hums. “I will kick you if you said it’s your dick.” 

Hyungwon laughs. “No, it’s an actual gift. Now, blondie, you are talking too much for a guy who should be kissing me.” 

Minhyuk pouts again and this time Hyungwon pecks it immediately and pulls back when he feels Minhyuk smile. 

“I love you,” Minhyuk says. 

Hyungwon smiles too and tugs Minhyuk’s hand to lay down a few quick kisses on his wrist. “I think you are neat too.” 

_ I love you. I missed you. How have you been? I have so many stories to tell. _

Minhyuk rolls his eyes but his sunshine smile widens and Hyungwon flies in its warmth. Someday he is going to buy a castle and write ‘I love you, Lee Minhyuk’ on every brick to make up for all the times he couldn’t say I love you in words but for now - he grabs Minhyuk’s collar and drags him down - he’ll let his body do the talking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I actually finished something. Amazing. Incredible. Fantastic. Never heard of before.  
The story started with just the first chapter in my mind after that I went where Hyungwon's character took me, so the pace might seem off but I hope it didn't leave you unsatisfied.  
As you might notice, I made it into a series. So, I might come back to it in a sequel and side stories. Anyone interested?  
Thank you to the people who interacted with me about this story. That actually made me write with fervor, I didn't think I was capable of.
> 
> Let me know if you see any typos, and don't be shy to comment. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
Twitter: @mellow_minhyuk  
Curious cat: [MellowMinhyuk](https://curiouscat.me/MellowMinhyuk)


End file.
